Perfect Kisses Lead To One Night Stands
by Jasey Ray
Summary: Perfect Kisses. The "Mondays." Chocolate-chip Pancakes. Disposable Cameras. Friday Nights. First Dates. Saturday Mornings. Sleepless nights. Pounding Hearts. And all the heartache and butterflies a couple words can create. Rewritten.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

My name is Rainie.

Let me start with it would be priceless if my last name was Day.  
But it's not. It's Joseph. Rainie Joseph.

My mother named me this. I'm not sure why, it's just how it is. I hope I figure it out someday. But I doubt I ever will. I think I remember asking her once- why I was named this and not something normal like Emily or Sarah. I'm not sure if I remember this right but she may have said I had this name so I would always have something that made me different.

Nobody ever came to school with the same clothes as me. Nobody normally listened to the same music as me. Nobody had the same long fingers as me. Nobody loved the same books as me. Nobody watched my TV shows. Every kid is called _different_ but for me different is the one adjective to describe me.

I live in a town called Kerrington. It's a decent sized town.

From all I've seen in my life so far, Kerrington is a pretty generic town when you first look around. But the thing that makes it different and makes me love it here is because there's never just one of everything.

There are two high schools: Kerrington High School and Coolen J. High School. I go to Coolen but I know some kids who go to Kerrington. I just moved here so I'm pretty sure I don't even know half the people who go to Coolen so I'll probably graduate before I start meeting everyone at Kerrington.

I'm seventeen. A junior if you want to know.

And I am probably going to stay this age forever.

* * *

I park my car at the end of a long line of them. My cell phone vibrates beside me. I don't understand why people waste so much money on ring tones for their cell phones. If I do have one set I never hear it. But I can always hear my phone vibrating. Even in I'm in a different room.

I check it, seeing a new text message from Jessicah. _I found a boy :] His frend is sngle 4 u!_

Jess-ee-cah has been looking for a boy as long as I can remember. When she does find on they never make it past the first few dates, rarely ever making it to boyfriend status before she cuts them loose. I'm not looking for a boy. I had a boyfriend about a month ago, and he was an asshole named Kenny, and like all of my relationships so far it didn't work out.

I'm happy being single. I'm off boys for now.

But since Jessicah is looking for one, it sort of means I am too. I always get stuck with the single friend so she can hook-up with the new boy or to just distract him. They never usually mind getting sent off with me. I've given my phone number to about four guys in the past few weeks. All of them the single friends. But I never mind. They usually never text me anyways.

I start walking texting Jess-ee-cah back. The house is really deep in the woods all these cars parked up along the sides. I can barely see. I don't rely on my cell phone for the common-cell-phone-uses- like calling, texting, and taking pictures and sending them to your friends- I tend to use mine more as a flashlight.

All you need to do is open to a new screen and it works as a light. I try and make sure I don't trip over anything. I'm pretty clumsy in the dark.

The house is huge. It looks like it belongs in New Hampshire.

Kids pouring out of it and standing around talking, laughing and drunk. I ring the doorbell. This kid in my math class opens the door. He looks at me smiling a little funny. He's drunk. That's why. "Hi Tyler." I say waving.

"Hey Rainie!" He says. He slurs something and watches me ignore him walking by.

"Have a good night Tyler," I say smiling at him as I start walking away.

He salutes me. And I keep walking looking around for Jess-ee-cah. She's always in the middle of things which means I have to search for her. What makes it harder is the fact that she's always in a group of boys. So I just walk around saying hello to everyone I know.

I'm naturally confident with myself. It's from spending the first ten years of my life as an only child. But I'll get into all of that later. And I make friends easily and get along with a lot of people. But finally I spot Jessicah. Or she spots me. "Rain-ie!"

So let me put this on the record now. Jessicah, or Jess-ee-cah whichever you prefer, is not a slut. She just likes boys a lot. And she's not stupid she just likes boys more than books. But she's pretty smart. She's my unofficial math tutor. She tries to be all edgy and cool and bad. But I really think she's just looking for the right person. All these boys, and everything, I think she's just waiting and not realizing it yet.

I turn smiling. The boys standing around her are all sort of emo. I walk up to them. She hugs me, probably to make herself look cute. She acts really different around boys. But I think it's half because she has a cup that usually doesn't hold water at a big party like this that's only a quarter full. It's sort of late so I'm assuming it isn't her first one tonight. The boys are all watching us. "Hi there!" I say smiling happily at everyone.

"Everyone this is Rainie," She says pointing at me looking at the three boys. "This is Jack," A really tall dorky looking kid. He says hello. And I wave at him. "Brent," She touches his shoulder. I smile at this boy. He's the one. The single friend. He smiles quietly. And looks at me. Then Jess-ee-cah plants her arm on the last boy's arm. "And this is Thomas." Marking her territory.

"Hi," I say. I have always gotten along with people easily. I think it's a good thing. The fact that tonight is a party with the alternative crowd doesn't surprise me. Jess-ee-cah had come to me saying she was sick of jocks. You wouldn't think there were that many emo kids in Kerrington at all. But that's just because it's a very sports orientated town. The biggest days of the school year aren't like prom or anything like that. It's the day when Coolen play Kerrington at football. Coolen always wins, but when it comes to baseball we don't stand a chance against Kerrington.

But at these parties with the quote unquote 'emo kids' everything is totally cool. Everyone's really nice and my friend Bennett Williams plays a lot of them. He's this really nice kid that writes these really emo songs. He's really hot, but everyone is meant to him because he's the emo king. He's the definition here. But he's so nice and goofy and sweet.

I join into the group easily. The conversation is mainly Jess-ee-cah flirting with Thomas and Thomas flirting back. This leads to twenty minutes or so of awkward conversation for the five of us. But I have a feeling Jess and Thomas are hitting it off.

Brent is sort of cute. He is really quiet and doesn't say a word. He isn't drinking anything which sort of disappoints me because you can't drink when you're technically with someone at a party when they're not. It's rude. And usually that means they're straightedge and they start resenting you.

Jack suddenly bursts to life, standing there slouching and looking bored. I'm pretty bored too because Brent and him are so silent. I feel awkward joining into Jessicah's conversation especially when she's flirting with Thomas. He smiles at a girl, she's short and blonde and she waves to him.

"See you," He says to all of us. And he goes over to that girl. They smile and are a cute little couple. Kissing and saying hello. I turn back and I see Brent looking at me sort of waiting to get my attention.

"Hey, do you want me to get you a drink?" He asks.

I smile. "Sure."

He smiles back a little. Insecure. And cute. He's alright for one night right? Maybe not a date. But one night isn't a huge commitment. It's a beer and a party.

Thomas looks at Jessicah's drained cup. "I'll go with you," He says to Brent. He takes Jess-ee-cah's cup and she smiles at him. They'll hook up by the end of the night. I can tell.

She looks at me eagerly. "So..." She moves closer to me. "What do you think about Brent?"

I shrug. "He's a little quiet." I say. Knowing very well that word cute only goes so far. "But he's cute. I don't know."

She's so happy and bubbly. "You guys look so cute together. You would make a cute couple." I'm not sure how many times you can use 'cute' in a conversation. But we've nearly broken the world record.

I nudge her. "So what about you and Mr. Thomas?" I smile at her.

She grins, shrugging one shoulder likes it's no big deal. "I really like him."

"Date material?"

"Yeah," She says. "What about Brent?"

"I'll think about it," I said. I have a feeling it maybe on the fence- I mean, I haven't given to boy a chance. But he's sort of leaning towards a no.

She sighs. "You're so picky." She says laughing a little. "I need to find you a boy somehow."

I laugh a little. "I don't need a boy, Jess."

* * *

"Do you want to go downstairs?" He asks pointing toward where the stairs are. I've been waiting for this. Jess-ee-cah keeps shooting me these looks but I don't want to come across as a pushy type of a person. And I was waiting for him to finally get the hint from Thomas.

I smile. "Sure, I'd love to."

Whenever I smile at him, he gets all insecure and smiley and looks down. And cute. I'm so sick of that word. It just sounds like a euphemism or something. I need to come up with a more interesting word in place of that.

We walk along the side of the room. Most boys would take the liberty to dive into the heavily packed part of the room and hold your hand our something. But I just follow Brent stepping over a drunken couple. Making our way over to the downstairs. Where the music is softer and the people are talking.

It's a nice finished basement. There's only one couple making out and there are a lot of couches and TVs. Clearly a few from downstairs have been moved here. Brent leads me over to these two couches facing each other near a cold dead fireplace. Jack and his girl are there. Sitting together smiling when we come over. There are two other boys there. Neither of us turning to look me or Brent just sitting there.

"Hi," Brent says when we're over there. We sort of stand there in the distance in between the two couches. "This is Rainie."

Jack's girl's name is Gina. She's small and cute and smiles up at me. Waving and saying Hello. Then there's this kid Paul. Who's muscular looking. But he has this emo haircut and the emo clothes down. In fact I found myself reading his shirt- an Alkaline Trio one. I like that band. He just looked like he should have been a jock. Then there was this gorgeous kid. I didn't know his name but he just stared at me. His eyes sort of spacey and grey and empty. But he was hot and had this really perfect golden skin. He kept staring at me. It made me uncomfortable and mumbled a lot and nobody seemed to pay much attention to him.

I sit next to Brent finally. And we settle in. Myself a friendly distance from Brent. We sit there and it's like we're not even there. It returns to normal except for that kid who looks like Hercules or something staring at me.

It takes me a few minutes but I caught on. The conversation is more like a debate between Gina and Paul. Jack joining in sometimes but he just sits back. I think a little scared to join in. I finally figure out what band they are talking about. Three Cheers.

I saw them two weeks ago with this kid named Jonathon. He loved that band. It was an awful date and he was an awful and sloppy kisser. It's obvious though what the sides are. Gina thinks this band is so good. Paul thinks they suck.

I jump in when there's a short break before anyone says anything. "I agree with Paul, they _suck_." I say.

I feel Paul look at me. It's not long he looks at me quickly for a fraction of a second. "Thank you," He says to me putting a hand out towards me. He had someone on his side. He had been winning this debate before. But now Gina would just be beating a dead horse by going on.

He's intimidating. His arms look really strong. He has to be a jock. I put money on it. When he and Gina start fighting again I look at him. He's not that beefy though. A quick glance and he looks like a skinny alternative kid, but when he talks he uses his hands sometimes. The muscles moving. There clearly there. I look down at my boney wrists. He could break my arms like toothpicks probably.

You can tell though he'd rather fight about whether or not this-or-that band sucks than with an actual person.

"You probably haven't even seen them live." Gina says. This is like tug-of-war. Paul would win in both instances.

"I have, it was a fucking waste of time." He sits back a little. "I saw them with _you_." He leans forward again. Jack laughs.

"Well, have you seen them recently?" Gina asks.

"I saw them two weeks ago," I said. "They were awful. They were just another generic high school cover band."

"Exactly," Paul says moving looking at me. "They just cover lame mainstream crap."

I nod opening my mouth to agree with him. But Jack laughs. "Dude, you're in a generic high school band."

Paul looks away from me laughing a little. Sitting back again. "At least we can write halfway decent songs." He said. "They cover complete shit."

"True," Jack says considering this.

"No they don't!" Gina says. "They-"

"They cover fucking-" Paul starts but he's interrupted by- surprisingly Brent.

He hasn't said a single thing since he introduced me. And he sits forward a little more looking at Paul. Hercules gets up suddenly and walks away. We all listen to Brent talking. "They're not that bad." He says crossing his arm uncomfortably. "I mean, they're better than the emo crap coming from Kerrington-"

I interrupt him. Whenever someone starts ripping apart Bennett- which is surprisingly common- I always stick up for him. Bennett has to be one of the nicest people I've met in Kerrington. "_Oh_, Bennett Williams, right?"

Brent stops. Nobody says anything. "Yeah-" He says.

"He's a good friend of mine." I say smiling. It's such a bitchy thing to do, especially with someone like Brent. "His music is so good. I'm a huge fan of his. He's amazing." I mean his songs are emo, but they're so good. He's such a good singer. I would have added an "and-he's-so-hot" comment, but I would never do that unless the person was a complete asshole.

Everyone stays quiet for a second. A slight delay of Brent just staring at me. Beaten like Gina but he gives up. "Doesn't he play a lot of Kerrington parties?" Paul asks. I turn away from Brent. I had to stand up for Bennett though.

"Yes," I say. He's sitting across form me. "And he plays the coffee-shop downtown sometimes too."

"Yeah," He says nodding. "I used to work there; I mean I've never seen him, but..."

"Isn't he the skinny kid that goes to all of those concerts?" Gina asks me. Brent shrivels away. Not even seen anymore or noticed.

"I've heard of him." Jack says shifting. "Yeah," He says to Gina moving his arm behind her. "We saw him a couple weeks ago at that party."

A few minutes later, Brent sits forward. He looks at me ready to stand up. "Do you want me to get you another beer?" Any chance we had of anything is completely dead right now. There's no connection at all.

My cup is empty on the table mixed in with all of the other empty ones. I look at which one might be mine. "Yeah, thank you." I said looking up at him smiling a little.

He just nods and gets up not looking at me anymore. Jack asks Gina if she wants another too. He stops though looking at Paul. Brent looking around waiting for Jack. "Paul?" He asks.

"I can't." He grumbles, sitting back into the couch now. "I have to work tomorrow."

"Dude, its Saturday." Jack says.

"I know," Paul says.

Jack walks by patting Paul on the shoulder as he passes. I watch Brent disappear upstairs. My eyes land on Paul who is just sitting there looking over at Hercules as he sits down next to him again. This time Hercules' eyes are rolling around in his sockets all over the place.

I inch a little forward towards him. "So," I say, he looks at me suddenly. "You like Alkaline Trio?"

Most guys would look down at their shirts nervously. Paul didn't though. He just nods. "Yeah," He says. "I saw them a couple months ago."

I smile. "I missed that show." I say. "I was going to go with my friend but something came up." I was going to go with Bennett. But I didn't have enough money and so I got stuck baby-sitting that night.

He leans forward. "It was a good show." He says nodding. "At the venue the sound wasn't that great that night, but they were pretty good. That was the only time I've seen them."

"I wish I had gone."

Gina has been sitting there looking back and forth in between us. "Aren't they the band that sings that song you guys cover?" She moves closer to us.

Paul looks at her a little confused. Then he shakes his head. "No," He says. "That's a New Found Glory song." He makes a face like he can't quite understand how you can mix those two bands up. I feel the same way a little.

Gina looks at me. "They're in a band." She says.

I smile looking at Paul. "What's your bands name?" I ask happily. "Maybe I've heard of you."

He's hesitant. But he finally forces it out. "Caustic," He winces when he says it. Most guys are really cocky about being in a band. Like it makes them big rock stars, but Paul seems a little... embarrassed I think. Maybe just about the name. But even when guys in bands just say the name they act like it's a huge deal. I haven't seen a guy act like this before about being in a band. Maybe Bennett, I don't think that counts though because it's just him and a guitar.

I furrow my eyebrows. "What does _Caustic_ mean?" I ask.

Gina inches forward. "It means to eat away at metal or something, right?" She asks Paul.

"Yeah," He says a little quieter. "Thomas thought of it."

"Oh, I met him tonight; he's in your band?" I asked. Jess-ee-cah's Thomas.

"It's not my band," Paul says quickly. "He sings, and Jack plays bass and Brent plays drums." It's hard picturing Brent playing drums at all.

"What do you play?" I ask smiling.

"Guitar," He says. There isn't even a thread of cockiness in his voice.

"I haven't heard of you guys." I said. "What do you sound like? I'll listen to you sometime."

"Rock, I guess, I don't really know. We're getting sort of pop-punk." He winces again saying this. I laugh quietly at this.

"They play the Church downtown a lot." She says to me.

I look at Paul smiling. "So you're like _Christian_ Rock?" I ask to tease him.

"No," He says defensively. He scratches his arm. "They have some bands play downstairs a couple times a month. It's just for the church to make some extra cash."

I nod. "So what do you listen to?" I ask him. "Besides Alkaline Trio."

He seems a little more comfortable talking about this than his band. He's talkative too, he just doesn't sit there and expect me to drag along the conversation. That's always a good thing I think. He's not that intimidating now. He's sort of cute actually.

"I've been listening to Thursday a lot." He says. "And the Get Up Kids."

Bennett likes them. "Are they still around?" I ask. "The Get Up Kids? I haven't heard anything about them lately. Just from my friend."

He shakes his head. "No," He says. "They broke up three years ago."

"What do you think of Bright Eyes?" I ask. "I've been listening to him a lot lately."

He stares at me for a few seconds like I'm crazy. "Ugh." He says wrinkling his nose a little. "I hate Bright Eyes."

I look at him shocked. "What?" I ask. "It's so good. Have you heard 'Lua' or anything off I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning?"

He wrinkles his nose again. I smile a little. Opening my mouth to speak again. But Brent and Jack come back. Jack sitting next to Gina handing her a beer. Brent stays standing handing me my beer.

"You're, uh, friend Jessicah is looking for you upstairs." He says.

"Thanks," I say sipping the beer in my hand, it's really fuzzy. "Okay," I jump up. "I'll be right back." I start walking.

"Uh, Rainie," Brent says. "I sort of... I have to go. But I'll see you later."

This happens sometimes. He probably thought I was obnoxious for sticking up for Bennett. Or annoying, but I try and act disappointed. "Oh, you have to?" I ask. Fake as can be.

"Yeah," He says. I touch his arm.

"I'll see you around, okay?" I say. Maybe I overdid it but I end up walking away sort of relieved. I go upstairs. Looking around for Jess-ee-cah. Brent was too quiet. But this isn't the end of me being stuck with the single-friend. There will be probably a dozen more guys like Brent. It's just spring.

He's just another boy.

* * *

I had found Jessicah. She had come up to me. Smiling and all happy. She and Thomas are gone doing who-knows-what. And I just walk around saying hello and talking to people. It's alright. Sometimes it's more fun having a group of people to talk to like downstairs talking to Jack and Gina and Paul, but I felt weird going back.

Because in a sense I had been rejected. I doubt that Brent really had to go somewhere, but there's no sense being disappointed about it at all. He wasn't anything special. He was too quiet.

It was a little while later. And I was just walking around. Not really talking to anyone. Saying hello and waving to people. I saw Paul standing in line at the keg. Alone. Just standing there. I thought it was fine. I could go say hi to him couldn't I?

So I walked up to him, smiling. "Hi," I said.

He turned suddenly seeing me. He looked a little surprised seeing me. "Hey," He said. "What's up?"

I stand beside him. "Nothing," I said. "Just walking around." I nudge his arm. "What happened to work tomorrow?"

He sighs. "Whatever, I hate my job anyway." He says looking at me.

"Where do you work?" I ask.

"A store in the mall." We move up in line. I look at Paul. He's reading the back of the kid's shirt in front of us. Paul's sort of cute. I mean he's not amazingly gorgeous, but he's not heinous. He's not bad-looking at all. I start reading the words on the back of the kid's shirt. They're really violent lyrics or something .The kid looks like a metal-head anyways. "Brent was a total asshole to you."

I look at Paul suddenly. He said this very subtly I have to admit. He looks at me. I shrug. "He wasn't my type." That's the perfect thing to say when someone says something like that. "_Way_ too quiet."

"He's lucky you ever gave him a chance." He says smiling at me a little. We move to the front of the line. Paul asks for two beers. I was a little surprised. But no wonder. He's not disgusting, he could meet a girl he liked at a party easily. I tired coming up with an excuse to go, I felt really awkward suddenly standing there with him gettign a beer for anothe girl. But when the kid hands him a beer, he passes it to me.

I smile at him. He just waits for the second not noticing. I take a sip, it's a lot warmer than the one Brent had gotten me. Paul is pretty good-looking actually. We move out of line going to the side. I thought quickly. Now was when we it wasn't said it was just decided unintentionally. We were saying goodbye. There was nothing wrong with it. Why not?

"Hey, can I see your cell phone?" I ask. I start fishing mine out. He looks a little unsure and confused at first. Not knowing what I'm doing. He holds it out to me. A nice expensive one.

I've had years of experience at this. In a swift movement I trade my phone for his. He take mine. The "New Contact" page already open on mine. I start to put my phone number into his phone. "So text me sometime," I say. "I want to see that band of yours playing, but text me whenever."

He smiles trading my phone back for his. "Okay," He says to me. "I will."

I smile at him. Pushing my bangs out of my eyes. "So, I'll see you around."

"Yeah," He says. "Bye."

And we both walk away in different directions. Another night. Another party. Another boy.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Rain! Rain, it's time to wake up. It's almost lunchtime, Rain."

This is what I wake up to every Saturday morning. I turn my head looking at the little girl who is my Saturday morning alarm clock and smile. Her name is Caitlyn and even though she's my step-sister she's the little sister I always wanted.

When I was eleven my mother died. She had a car accident. And died on impact. I loved my mother. More than anyone. She was my favorite person in the world. I remember everything about her. A few things are fuzzy like how she smelled and how she smiled but it's all there somewhere.

My father really loved my mother. You could tell even from a six-year-old point of view they were going to be together forever. Till death do you part. And it happened after fifteen years of marriage.

Jess-ee-cah explained to me why a lot of girls hate me here. She says it's because I'm "gorgeous." But I look like my mother. And as I got older I looked like her more and more. I've always been skinny. But I stretched out as I grew. I'm not that tall but I'm so thin. I have her long dark hair and her eyes. She lived on through me. And because my father loved my mother so much, he stayed out of my life a lot when she died. I reminded him of her too much.

He married Susan Fitzgerald a year ago. I call her Queenie, but she used to hate me. But now I know what it is like to have a real family. They aren't my step-mother, step-sisters, and step-brothers. They're just my normal family now. She has four kids. And is still younger than my father. Jesse, Anna, Caitlyn and Jake are all products of a teenage pregnancy, a young marriage, a divorce, and a one-night-stand. And there's one on the way.

I was going through a lot of shit when my dad started seeing Queenie and that didn't help with anything. He moved on from my mother's death before I did. When we moved to Kerrington I finally moved on myself. Accepting everything and letting go.

I'm more than thankful for my Saturday Morning alarm clock. She's one of the reason I decided to move on from everything and start over.

Every Saturday Morning starts the same. Queenie sends Caitlyn to wake me up. Luckily this morning my forehead isn't pounding and I can think straight. I take a shower and come downstairs. Queenie almost out the door. She says to call her if I need anything.

Now my babysitting technique isn't perfect. Jesse's in college and is wicked smart. He taught me the skeleton of my current babysitting techniques. But his were to sit the kids and let them watch educational crap while you study. I don't study when I baby-sit. I watch the new kid's programs with the two little ones; Caitlyn who is six years old, and Jake who is four.

Caitlyn was born around her parent's divorce, which is sad because she soaks up any attention she can get. She's not spoiled. She just likes getting attention every now and then. Because she was born in such a rotten time and then when Jake happened, she barely got any attention. She gets a lot from me.

Jake sits there silently. Coloring. And watching the TV. Never saying much to me. A little like Anna but she acknowledges me a lot more. She's thirteen and quiet. She's really smart too. Her grades always better than mine. And every once in a while she's normal. She can sit there and be a normal kid, I think it's hard for all of them because they've had a rough start when it comes to everything.

I had a normal childhood. I was happy and I don't have any bad memories. When my mother died everything sort of fell apart. And it did for the following years. I didn't understand what happened or why she was taken from me, but when I met Jayme I sort of figured out why.

* * *

"Rainie!" I look away from the television screen. Caitlyn holding up a picture of our family. It all goes by height which is affected by age. I smile taking it from her to look at it more. She comes over and looks at it upside down. "See that's Daddy, Mommy, Jess, you, Ann, me and Jakey."

I smile at her. "This is really good!" I say. She gets all happy. Like a little girl. She has little blonde curls surrounding her face. She looks a lot younger than she is. The thing I love the most about her is her laugh. She still has that little girl laugh.

"You can have it," She says grinning. Then she turns back to the coffee table taking another piece of construction paper and starting a new drawing.

I suddenly see Jake pick up his picture. Looking at me and then at the picture. I smile holding my hand out. "Can I see yours Jake?"

He is hesitant. But he slowly gets up and hands it to me. It's really good. Some little kids draw blobs at his age or stick figures. He drew a car. My car actually- I got it from my uncle in Ohio. I smile at it. "Whose car is this?" I ask him smiling at him. He doesn't say anything. He sort of stares. "Is it mine?" He smiles a little.

Out of all the siblings I have now Jake makes me feel like a step-sister the most. I don't resent him at all. I love him as much as I love Caitlyn or Anna. But I wish he would speak. One year in this house almost and I've barely heard him say much of anything.

I look back at the picture smiling. "Can I have this too Jake?" I ask. "Unless you want to give it to Mommy."

He shrugs one shoulder and goes back sitting back on the floor. He gets a new piece of paper too and starts drawing. I look back at the car. My car. This is my Saturday mornings. I don't think about headaches or boys or beer. I think about my little brother and sister.

When Jake is napping. And Caitlyn is trying not to I got a text message. It's almost like I live a double life. I don't remember anything from the night before when I'm watching the little kids. The boys I may have kissed or the phone numbers I may have gotten. They all wash away and I'm just the big sister I always wanted to be when I was an only child.

But I got two text messages. One I didn't noticed and a new one from Paul. I open the first one- it's from Jessicah. _Kerrington Party tonight, you're going XD_

I smile texting her back. I look over at Caitlyn. The boring movie I put on purposely worked and she's asleep. Then I open the text message from Paul- it's a simple one. Just a hello and a what's up. I reply to it too.

Not many boys text me when I tell them they can. I'm not sure why. But whatever. If I ask them to text me they should know I actually mean it. Jess-ee-cah doesn't care how many boys' phone numbers I have and I don't care how many boys she hooked up with.

I look back over at Caitlyn. I really do live a double life.

* * *

We pull into the party. "You're driving tonight," I say getting out.

"Wait, what?" She gets out too. "You didn't even drive last night."

"Yeah, but the rule is we take turns on whose night it is to drive or not. Tonight's yours." I say smiling. We start walking up to the party. She sighs heavily. I open my phone. '1 New Message'- I've been texting Paul since this afternoon.

"God who are you texting?" Jess-ee-cah groans.

"Nobody..." I sent the message right before she lunged. Sniping my phone and checking my outbox.

She nudged me grinning. "Who is this Paul?" She said.

"Give me my phone," I hold my hand out. She dangles it away from me for a few seconds then gives it to me with no fight whatsoever. I take it putting it into my back pocket.

"So, who is he?" She asked. She perked up a little more. "Rainie, do you happen to like..." She gasped sarcastically. "A boy?"

I laughed. "No." I said. "I met him last night and we're just talking about music." We really were. We were talking about Silversun Pickups which he told me to listen to. And I did. I really like them.

She nudged me again. "Oo-oh." She said in a flirty voice. "You said you didn't want a boy."

I rolled my eyes smiling. "I'm staying single, Jess." My phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out reading the new message from Paul. I started answering. We were at the front foor of the house.

"Sure, Rain." She said. "Whatever you say."

I laughed pushing my bangs out of my eyes. "I'm really staying single for now." I said. The door opened and this kid- of course smiles and says hello to Jess-ee-cah and me checking both of us out.

"Sure... whatever. I never doubted you." She was doing this to annoy me and it was working. We both went off into different directions. Jessicah was meeting this kid and Bennett was playing. We were late- of course. These hosues are getting hearder and harder to find. And the sudden rush of people coming upstairs was a sign that Bennett wasn't playing anymore. I had missed him.

He was standing there in the basement. He's so tall and standing there drinking bottled water and laughing. He never drinks much anyway. I walk over to say hello. He's talking ot this really cute short boy. Not the Brent or the Paul kind of cute. He was sort of hot.

I smiled. "Bennett!" I called over the crowd.

He picked me out of the crowd smiling back. "Hey Rainie!" He said. I slipped by two more people and made it over to him finally. "What's up?"

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. I fought the urge to open it. I pushed my bangs out of my eyes. "Nothing, sorry I missed you play."

"It's cool," Bennett said. "You know Sean, right?"

That was his name. I met him before I think. An awkward quick introduction. I looked at him. "Hi, I'm Rainie." I said. "I think we've met before."

He smiles. "Yeah," He said. He starts thinking of when wo would have possibly met. He snaps. "Saves The Day!"

"Oh yeah!" I remember. I had been with Bennett and his friend Jonah who is freaking insane and I had been sitting up front and Sean had been wasted in the backseat with Jonah. I don't remember that night much, I got a little drunk myself. "It's nice to see you again."

"You too." He had a really nice smile. With white teeth.

Bennett was suddenly looking past us. "Hey... uh," He said looking in between both of us. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Yeah, cool." He said.

Then Bennett was gone. I looked back at Sean. He was looking at me too. He had really nice hazel eyes too. I smiled a little at him. I wanted to talk to him more. "Hey," He read my mind. "Do you want me to get you a drink or something?"

I smiled. "Sure,"

A kid popped up at the front of the stairs. "Keg's empty!" He yelled down. Everyone groaned a little.

Sean and I both looked at each other. "Want to improvise?" He asked.

"Sure,"

* * *

A bottle of Smirnoff later we were really giggly. And I felt warm. His hands were so warm on my skin. They felt nice. My phone buzzed again in my pocket. I opened it. I hadn't gotten a text from Paul in a little while. I opened it and read it. "Aww," I said accidentally out-loud.

"What?" Sean asked. He leaned forward and I leaned back laughing. "Come-on, who-is-that?" It's funny how when you get drunk with someone you always understand exactly what the other person is saying even if it is a slurred mess of gibberish. If you get drunk together, there's no need in the world to hear what they say you just understand,

I giggled. "A boy." I said. Shutting my phone.

"A Boy!" He said loudly.

I giggled. "A friend." I said.

"A Boyfriend!"

I giggled again. "No," I said. "Just a friend."

He smiled a little wider. "Am I just a friend?" He asked.

I planted my hand on his knee. "No," I said squeezing his knee-cap. I started leaning back but he smiled a little softer. And even when we were drunk we just looked at each other. I blinked. My eyes feeling like they were made of rubber. I laughed quietly looking down a little. Then back at him.

And out of nowhere, he leaned in and kissed me.

At first he just kissed me. I closed my eyes and started kissing him back. His hand moved to the side of my neck and we kept kissing. It wasn't weird. People were hooking up all around us. I'm not sure if I've done this in a while. Kenny was my last drunken hook-up.

But Sean was a good kisser even when we were drunk. My cell phone dropped behind me. And I felt it against my back. I forgot about it. Sean was cute. And now a good kisser.

* * *

I heard Jess-ee-cah call my name. I sat up. Sean trying ot pull me back down. I giggled getting off of him. I didn't know how we ended up there. "I have to go." I said laughing and slurring.

"No." He said getting up with me. He kissed me again.

I felt Jess-ee-cah grip my arm gently. "Come, on Rain." She said. "Say goodbye."

I giggled. "Okay, Jess-ee-cah." I said messily. I'm always messy when I'm a little drunk. "Bye Sean."

"I'll miss you!" He slurred.

Jess-ee-cah held my arm like a little kid. And swiped something off of the couch. Then she lead me upstairs. Sean and I shouted gibberish to each other. I didn't even know what I was saying. I was giggling and stumbling. But Jess-ee-cah is always good about this. She got me in the car and buckled me up.

"Jess-ee-cah!" I said loudly. "Jess-ee-cah! I don't have my phone! What if Paul texts me?"

She waved my phone in front of me when she slipped into the driver's side. "I got it right here. Don't worry."

About an hour later I was at her house. My mouth tasted nasty from puking and I had spent about five minutes brushing my teeth and downed a few Aspirin. I was sleeping over her house tonight.

She smiled up at me. "Hey Rain." She said. "How you feeling, hun?"

I groaned falling onto my sleeping bag burying my face into the pillow I always use when I sleep over. "How drunk was I?" I asked.

"You started calling me Jess-ee-cah again." She said. She doesn't get it, but I've gotten into the habit of calling her that now. When I'm drunk I have a filter in my head or something. It lets some things slip through but other things now. Jessicah's secret pet-name for example. My head hurts too much to explain. As always.

"Oof." I moaned.

"Oof." She said. "Want some coffee?"

I lift my head up. My brains feel turned to lead. I pull myself up and she has a to-go cup waiting for me. Microwave heated probably. I sip it. It is but it feels good. My head ache fades after a few sips a tiny bit.

"So," I notice she's still looking at my phone. "This Paul kid," She said. "Is he cute?"

I shrug. "I don't know." I say.

"You were flirting with him for about five hours." She said. "Must be." I sip again. I open my mouth to say I wasn't flirting with him. "But that kid oyu hooked up with was hot. You should date him, what was his name?"

"Sean..." I said. I looked at her squinting because my eyes hurt. "I wasn't flirting with Paul."

Her eyebrows furrow. "You don't have Sean's phone number?" She asked.

I shook my head.

"Classy," She laughs a little. "At least I go for their numbers before we hook up. Did you and Paul hook up?"

"No." I said defensively.

She looks at me kind of strange but my head hurts. Throbbing a little less. "Then why do you have his number?" She asked.

I sip again. "You don't have to hook up with a boy to have his phone number." I said. "You're a slut so you have to, but I was just talking to him about music. That's it."

"You texted him when you were drunk too." She announced.

"What?" I tore the phone from her hands. I looked at my outbox. There were slight typos. They got worse as the messages progressed. But they weren't that bad. I was sober enough to know that they were a little off but when I checked his messages he had worse typos. I felt better knowing he was probably drunk too. "Oh god," I said. I pointed to one. "What does this even say?"

Jessicah looked at it. "God," She took it from me. "I have no idea. This is from you?"

"No him," I said.

She laughed. "I bet he was telling you how pretty you were." She said.

I sighed crawling back over to my sleeping bag. "Shut up," I said. I slide into the sleeping bag. One that was permanently at her house along with this pillow.

"I like Sean though." She said. "Is there anyway you can get his number?"

"Mmhmm," I said.

"Go for it, babe." She said tapping my head. I groaned and she shut off the lights. "Night." I just rested my head falling asleep eventually. Not thinking about boys or all of that shit. I just slipped into thinking about anything.

Waking up, it was noon and I had a new text message in my inbox. Srry bout lst nght.

I told Paul it was alright and that I was sorry too. We both got really drunk. He doesn't remember texting me and I don't remember texting him. I suddenly remembered Sean and smiled to myself. I heard Jess-ee-cah in her bathroom brushing her teeth. I had to call Bennett and ask him for Sean's number.

The buzzing of my phone hurt my head though. I'd call him when my headache went away.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Jessicah came back in. She waved. "Hey," She said. She walked by me going to her vanity. "Hung over?"

I shook my head. "Not so much." I said. "Headache."

She made a puppy dog face. "Awww, poor Rainie." She said. I took the closest inanimate object and threw it at her. She dodged it laughing. "Cranky too."

I rolled over my phone vibrating. Another message from Paul. "Are you getting Sean's number?" She asked looking at me through her mirror.

"Nah," I said. "I'll get it later."

"Then who you texting?" She raised her eyebrows up and down. "Paul?"

I smiled. "Sure," I said.

"By the way," She said. "Thomas showed up last night-"

"Hence the reason we were probably there..." I cut in. She smiled still talking.

"-and he said that he was hanging out with Paul that afternoon. They're friends?" She said. I nodded. "So, I have to say I'm impressed" She planted a hand on her hip turning to look at me. "You've snagged three guys in thirty-six hours by now."

I looked at her confused.

"Sean, Paul... and Brent- that was that kid's name right?" She said.

My jaw dropped open a little. "Oh god, I forgot about Brent."

She laughed. "Thomas said he talked about you quite a bit asking if he could get your phone number. And Paul didn't announce that the girl he was obsessively texting all yesterday in front of Brent way you. And then you go to a party and hook up with the hottest emo kid in Kerrington- after Bennett Williams of course." She said. "Slut."

I snorted. "I get around." I got up. Pulling myself out of my sleeping bag. "Brent was an ass though. And I don't like Paul."

She laughed turning back to the mirror putting on make-up. "It's not the question if you like this Paul," She said putting on eye-liner. "It's the fact that he may possibly like you."

I rolled my eyes. "He doesn't." I said. My phone buzzed again.

"And you're becoming an obsessed texting freak!" She said loudly. "God, Rain, let me catch up at least."

"Has Queenie called?" I asked.

"Yeah, the family's at Church." She snickered. "And you're here hung over playing three guys at once. Class-y."

"You're not so classy yourself." I said. "How many times did you hook up with Thomas over the past forty-eight hours?"

"Seven times," She said. "But that's different-"

"Oo-ooh." I said mimicking her. "Class-y."

She laughed. "Shut up." I stood beside her at her mirror. I looked like complete shit. My hair a mess and my skin pasty. "We're just friends-with-benefits."

"Oof," I said. "Have fun with you little buddy Jess."

She smiled hitting me in the arm. "Have fun screwing with a load of guys Rain."

I stuck my tongue out at her and she did too right back at me. I laughed and ran a finger through my hair.

I pulled a brush through it a couple times. And wiped off all of my make-up. Texting Paul through the whole thing. And then I left. Getting into my car. It was sunny and my eyes hurt and stung from the light. I made it home and showered.

My family pouring into the house when I wasn't so hung over and had had a few aspirin. I was in my room I put on my iPod and started listening. "Hi Rain," Caitlyn slipped in. "How was your party?"

Kids probably think parties are like birthday parties with punch and cake and games. I haven't met a kid that think beer, drunken people, and loud music or drugs for that matter when you talk about a party. I smile though. "Good," I said.

"Did you talk to boys?" She asked.

I nodded. "Yes," I said. "I met a boy last night and he was very nice."

"Is he your boyfriend?" She asked smiling.

I shook my head. "No, we're just good friends." I said.

"How many boys are you friends with Rain?" She asked.

I look at her thinking. She stands on the edges of her feet and waits. Thinking I'm counted. I pretend I do. "Two." I say.

Her eyes widen and she seems surprised. "Two?" She asks.

"Yup," I said. "Two." I hold up tow fingers for her she mimics me.

"What are their names?" She asks coming up to my vanity next to me looking at her in the mirror. I brush my wet hair. My cell phone vibrates instantly. I let it sit there for a few seconds. Caitlyn looking at it still waiting for their names.

"Sean and Paul."

* * *

School is pretty fun. Junior year is easier than you think. I took SATs already and with that out of the way I don't have much else to do that would make this year hard at all. It's been a good one so far minus Kenny. But I hope it stays that way.

I pull into the school parking lot. My phone buzzing in the cup-holder next to my coffee I got from the Coffee shop downtown. '1 New Message' from Paul. I answer it downing the last of my coffee.

The school has an epidemic I think. A deadly one too. Especially for teachers. Everyone has The "Mondays." I'm lucky there's some glitch in my body that keeps me from getting the "Mondays."

I walk to the school in a sea of slouchy groaning zombies. Some of them cut looks at me and then return to stalking towards the cursed building which is Coolen J. High. I like Coolen a lot. People in Kerrington are meaner to people like me and at Coolen nobody really says much to me. I get called a slut by a lot of Kerrington people.

I find Jess-ee-cah at her locker. She has the Mondays too and is sleepy. Hiding the dark circles around her eyes with cover-up. I'm the only person alive it seems. I answer another text from Paul. She looks at me. "Still texting that Paul kid?" She asked.

"Yep," I say I shut my phone off. I don't text in school because I always get caught no matter what. Even if I'm just sitting there feeling the buttons and not looking even paying attention I get caught.

"Miss Joseph, please put the phone away." It's like teachers can see everything I do. It's creepy.

She nudges me. "When are you going to hook up with him?" This is a serous question.

"I'm not." I said. "We're just talking about music."

"Really?" She seems disappointed. "God, you emo kids are so weird. All you do is talk about music."

"How do you know Paul is emo?" I asked.

She looks at me. "If he's friends with Thomas and in his band it's a fair assumption. Was I correct?"

I paused. "Yes,"

She smiled and shuts her locker slinging a tote bag full of books over her shoulder. She waits for me. I take out my history book. "Jon called me last night," She said. "He invited me under the bleachers with him and some of the other baseball players on Wednesday, can you come?"

I shake my head. Queenie had asked me to take Caitlyn out somewhere this Wednesday. Jake had daycare and Anna could go over her friend's house. "I'm taking Caitlyn shopping," I said smiling a little. "Queenie gave me fifty bucks to take her, and she hasn't gotten new clothes since she was two and too small to fit into Anna's clothes."

"Awww," Jessicah said. "I love Caitlyn." She sighed as I shut my locker. "So I'm going to have to talk to that Christine girl from the cheerleading squad. Ugh."

I wrinkled my nose. "She's such a bitch."

"Tell me about it..."

I'm not in advanced anything in school. I'm good at English though. I like to red certain books though and sophomore year killed me. We had to read this obnoxious nature book that I wanted to slit my wrist instead of reading. And it was right when I got here too so I didn't get moved up.

I wasn't put automatically into good classes either because my grades sucked. I had a C in English I think. And Ds in all my other classes except for Health. I didn't need to study to take a test about sex.

In case you were wondering I used to be a slut. I met Caitlyn and Jake when I was baked and I was always getting smashed. I had about thirty boyfriends and slept with most of them too. I don't know anyone who was like me two years ago here. Jess-ee-cah is even better than I was. But I'd never do that stuff ever again. What made me decide this was my mother.

Even though she is gone, when I was little she would write me these letters. She didn't give them to me. She sent them to my uncle in Ohio and asked him to send them to me so I got them on certain birthdays. I got one when I was thirteen. Another when I was fifteen. And then when I turned sixteen I got another.

There are things I have in common with my mother. The way I look. My personality my father says. And everything I've been through. This is how I know she lived on through me. But something tells me she was taken away so she didn't have to see what happened to me in the following years.

So I changed for my mother, for Caitlyn, for Jake, for Anna, for my father and Queenie. And for whomever I would meet in the future. And last for myself. And here I am still climbing out of that hole I dug myself into two years ago. I'm not perfect. Night's like Saturday where I got drunk and hooked up with a boy will happen. And I'll get into relationships like the one with Kenny where all we did was sleep with each other and called that a commitment.

I'd never cheat on a boy. Or hurt them intentionally. I want my relationships to mean something. So that's why I texted Bennett asking him for Sean's number. I mean I don't know what will happen. I might end up getting to know Sean or not. But I'll never really know if I don't make the effort.

But Bennett never texted me back so I'm guessing I might not hear from Sean again. He's the one who needs to make that decision now. I made mine. Now it's his turn.

I've probably dated thirty-seven boys in my lifetime. Since seventh grade in middle school. If you want to count the boys I've only gone on one date with, I'm up to about fifty or sixty. Add drunken hook-ups I don't remember half of them so it's probably higher than I can ever calculate right now. And there's only one I can never forget, and he has haunted me ever since.

* * *

There's this kid in my History class who sits in front of me. When our teacher is done for the last five minutes of class. He always turns around and smiles at me and talks to me. His name is Patrick and he's new here too. He understands History.

"Need any help today Rainie?" He asks.

I stare at my notes. I can never remember what some of the words the teacher says means. And he uses them continually. I like Mr. Daniels' class, it's just I can't understand anything. "What does 'prosper' mean?" I ask.

"To earn money."

I smile perking up everything slicks now. "Thanks," I say.

The seat beside me slides out and of all people that cheerleader Christine sits down. "So," She says. "I heard you and Bennett Williams are dating."

There are rumors going around non-stop about me and Bennett. I have no idea why, but he's a celebrity here because he's The Bennett Williams but the rumors are ridiculous. I smile really fake at her. And tell her I'm not dating her ex-boyfriend for the billionth time this year.

She tells me what she heard. And Patrick listens intently. Absorbing until Rachel gets up and leaves. Patrick's on the football team and the baseball team. "So, uh," He says when Christine walks away finally and I close my notebook. "I heard you and your friend were going to come hang out with us after school Wednesday."

I smile weakly at him. "I can't," I say. "I have to take my little sister out. But tell me next time when you guys are hanging out." I say smiling at him. "I'll come for sure."

He smiles. "Yeah," He says. "Totally. You guys haven't hung out with us since fall."

"I know," I shut my history book. "It's been way too long."

The bell rings. "See you, Rainie." He says when I get up.

"Bye," I smile at him again and he turns around and packs up. Christine walks by glaring at me taking to her little Christine-wannabe who shoots a death glare at me. I sigh. And leave walking into a hall of "Mondays" infested kids and head to the cafeteria.

I don't eat lunch. I sit with Jess-ee-cah at our own little table and whatever boy she wants to sit with us today. It's Patrick's friend Spencer today. Thomas gets Jessicah all this afternoon. And she picks at Spencer's food eating his chips and smiles a lot and flirts with him.

There was a short flash when I saw him. It was Paul. I could tell. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and I could pick him out of the cafeteria. Jessicah turns to see who I'm looking at. "What?"

"Nothing," I said. "I just saw Paul."

"Paul Lacey?" Spencer asks.

I pause. "I don't know his last name." I said. "Maybe."

Jess-ee-cah looks at me shocked a little. "You like Paul Lacey?"

"I don't even know who that is," I say loudly. "And I don't like Paul."

Jessicah turns to Spencer, "Does Paul Lacey like music?" She asks. I roll my eyes leaning onto my elbow.

"Rap," He says.

I wrinkle my nose. I hate rap. "That's not him then." I said. "The Paul I'm talking to listens to emo music."

Spencer's eyes widened a little. "Paul Spinella?"

That was his name. Paul Spinella. I loved that name. The last name especially. He looked like a Paul Spinella too. When I saw him walking out of the cafeteria- even with his back to me I could tell he was one. A Paul Spinella. I remembered when I looked at him for the first time. He wasn't scary or intimidating anymore. He was just a Paul Spinella. I've never met one before, but he must fit the name the best out of all of them that might be out there.

Paul Spinella. Those two words fit together in some weird harmonic way. I loved it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I parked in the Q section of the parking lot. I don't know why people don't always park in the Q section. They're all lettered but Q is the easiest number in the alphabet and they don't have an X, Y, or Z section that I know of, but the Q section has always been easiest for me to park in. I always tell people to park in the Q section. Nobody else follows my example though.

Caitlyn is really excited about this afternoon. All she talks about to me is going to the mall. And how excited she is. It was one of those half-days so I got to leave school at noon and come home and take her. We skipped lunch so we can get fake Asian food she's never had before from the food court. I promised Queenie to feed her peanut-butter and jelly but once Queenie pulled out of the driveway: "Hey Caitlyn have you ever eaten in the food court of a mall?"

She stutters when she's excited. She's gotten better since we left and she holds my hand while she skips to the big Department store across from us. "What stores do you want to go to?" I asked.

"I don't know," She says. She's never been on an All-Caitlyn-Shopping trip before I think. She's used to the Specially For Kids store on the other side of town. "What stores do I like?"

I laugh. "Umm," I said. "I don't know. How much energy do you have?"

"A lot!" She said.

"Then let's go into all of them!"

"Okay!" We go into the Department store first. I haven't taken a little kid shopping before. It sounds fun though. Even when the only stories I've heard about taking six-year-old girls shopping are from groaning mother's and aunts.

We get her shirts. Bright colors with embroidered flowers on them. They're cheap. Ten dollars for five of them. Sale! There are a ton of spring sales right now. They're all last years stuff, but Caitlyn loves them.

We leave. There's this little girls store. It's named something cute and is all pink and flowery and perfect to draw in little excited girls on their own special shopping trips. She goes in before me. And we get this bright yellow skirt I know Queenie would never buy her but she'll wear it I know she will. In fact she decided to sneak it on over her striped sort-of tights and shoves her old skirt into the bag from the girly store the next time we're in a dressing room.

I just ripped the tags off.

There are times I think, when you can tell your making someone's day. When they're smiling and happy and there's probably nothing that can tear them down. Especially with little kids. Because nothing that's truly bad that makes them sad. They appreciate everything you give them until you make their day too much. Caitlyn never takes these special days for granted.

We walked by the record store Bennett works at. "Hey, do you mind if we run in here real quick?" I asked her. "Two minutes," I hold up two fingers.

"Okay!" She said brightening up even more. And she skips ahead of me into the store.

"Hey," Bennett says. But Sean's there too. I smile at both of them. Opening my mouth to say hello but Caitlyn interrupts.

"Hi!" She says loudly and happily.

Bennett looks down at Caitlyn over the register. "Hi," He says.

Sean smiles at me. This is the first time I've seen him since Saturday. I say hello to him and he says it back to me. "This is my little sister Caitlyn, and Caitlyn, this is Sean..."

She looks up at me. "Your friend Sean, Rain?" She asks. Smiling. Any big sister would hate things like this. But she can't help it. She's young. She doesn't know. She doesn't wait she turns to Bennett. "Are you Paul?"

I was a little embarrassed. "Nah," Bennett says smiling still. "I'm Bennett." He leans over the counter holding his hand out for her to shake. She does giggling a little. Her soft little girl laugh. Then Sean does the same- shaking her hand. He smiles at her. I think he's happy that I talked about him to my little sister. That means at least I talked about him.

"How old are you?" Sean asks her.

"I'm six." She says. "How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"So is Rain!" She says grinning.

"Really?" Sean asks.

Bennett looks at me smiling goofily while Sean and Caitlyn continue talking. He winks at me. Nodding towards Sean. I roll my eyes smiling still. "Are you doing anything Friday?" Bennett asks. Caitlyn asking Sean why he's wearing a hat indoors.

"No," I said. "I don't think so."

"... I gues I wear it just ot look cool."

"That's silly."

"I'm playing a party." He said. "Sean'll be there, right Sean?"

Sean looks up Caitlyn coming back over to me her conversation with him done. "Huh?" He says. "Friday." Bennett says.

"Oh yeah," Sean says. "You should come to the party."

"I will," I said. "Where is it?"

"I'll text you the address," Bennett says.

"Come on Rain, you promised we could go to the food court." Caitlyn whispers to me. I look down at her.

"It's only been one minute, you promised me two." I said.

"Oh, okay." She said. She holds me hand looking at Bennett and Sean.

I hear my cell phone buzzing in the bag I'm holding. I say goodbye to Sean and Bennett. Fighting myself. It's like leaving a glass of wine in front of an alcoholic. I squeeze the bag tight. I act normal. Or try to.

When I'm out of the store, I finally give in. Taking out my phone opening it. Holding Caitlyn's hand with my other one. '1 New Message.' There's a small tug in my hoping that it's from who I hope it's from.

Jessicah.

Paul Spinella hasn't texted me since Monday Morning. Telling me to listen to this band Sunday Drive. I've sent him two messages. Monday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon. Both have ceased to have been answered.

"Rain?"

"Yes, sorry." I said.

"Do we get to ride in the escalator?" She asked grinning.

I smile. "Come on."

So we've packed about three lifetime changing experiences for Caitlyn into one. First All-Caitlyn Shopping Extravaganza. First Ride on the Escalator. And First Meal at the Food Court. I buy fake Asian food and we sit on the booths next to the window. She looks out over the parking lot. We've been shopping for an hour. Leaving at one. Jess-ee-cah just got here for work. She works at the Pretzel Shack.

She fills me in on the hanging out and hooking up with Spencer while Caitlyn spends five minutes gawking over the parking lot and obsessing over the fake Asian food we got.

Finally she gets bored and looks across at me. "I thought your friends that are boys' names were Sean and Paul." She said. She points a finger at me. "That's a lie."

I smile shaking my head. "I forgot Bennett."

"Then what about Paul?" She asks.

"He's my friend too." I said.

"Oh," She says. "I like Sean. He's silly."

I smile. "Me too." I said. "I think I have a crush on him."

Her face lights up and she has this cute surprised face on. "Is he going to be your boyfriend?" She asks.

I shrug. "Maybe," I said.

She smiles and eats some more fake Asian food. I do too. My phone buzzing again. But my hopes are low. I open it. It's from Jess-ee-cah.

I don't think I'll hear form Paul again. I have a good feeling he'll just disappear from my life. I didn't have a crush on him. But I have a good feeling the next boy I date will be Sean. So losing Paul as a friend won't be much of a loss in the long run. He'll just be another boy who never texted me back. His name added to another list of the boys in my life.

* * *

"Caitlyn!"

She runs into the store. "Jess!" She loves Jess-ee-cah. She stops at the counter. And grins standing on her tip-toes. "I went to the food court!" Caitlyn's beaming.

"Really?" Jessicah says smiling. "That's so cool. Do you want a cinnamon sugar pretzel stick, Hun?" Caitlyn nods excited. She's obsessed with them. I watch Jessicah fish one out of the box half-eaten on the counter near her. She passes it to Caitlyn's eager hand.

"So how was this afternoon?" I asked smiling at Jess.

"Great!" She said happily. "Spencer was-" She catches herself seeing Caitlyn licking off the sugar of her pretzel stick watching. "-a really nice boy."

I laugh. "We ran into Sean and Bennett." I said. "I'm going to a party this Friday. Bennett's playing and Sean'll be there."

"Oh really?" She asks. "That's fun. Did you get his phone number?"

I shook my head. "No," I said. "He doesn't have a cell phone." I had asked Sean for his phone number. He said he dropped his phone into a bathtub. Which he was serious about. Caitlyn thought that was "silly."

"That stinks," She moves over twisting pretzels into their shape. She's pretty good at it. She's better when she's pissed off. Which I know because of her co-worker Jacob. She thinks he's an ass but he's pretty funny actually. Always teasing her. But she can't stand him. "Do you think he-"

"Jess," Caitlyn says suddenly. "Rainie has a crush on Sean she thinks."

Jessicah smiles at Caitlyn. "Really?"

"Yeah," Caitlyn says. "He's silly."

I laugh. Jess-ee-cah looks up at me waiting for me to confirm. "Maybe." I said.

Jacob came out from back. He's really tall and skinny. He picks up the box Jessicah stole the cinnamon sugar pretzel form for Caitlyn. "Who ate my pretzels?" He demanded.

Caitlyn giggles. He looks at her grinning. "Hi Caitlyn." He says smiling.

"Hi Jacob."

"What other stores are you going to?" Jessicah asked me.

"I don't know." I said. We had a lot already.

"Can I get a sweatshirt like Anna's?" Caitlyn asked me.

"The Gap one?" I asked.

"Yeah," She said. "Can I?"

"Of course," I smiled at her.

"Text me later," Jess-ee-cah said to me. "Tell me more about the whole Sean thing."

"I will," I said. "It's not that big, but I have a good feeling about Sean."

"Another boy?" Jacob asked.

I ignored him saying goodbye and going with Caitlyn to the big map to locate the Gap. It was about seven stores down form the Pretzel shack. So we went. Our last store because Caitlyn was tired and wanted to get home and show Anna her new skirt. She skipped around. Her bright yellow skirt twirling around.

* * *

We were in the store for a few minutes. She found a sweatshirt she liked. And she was obsessed with it. But I froze smiling.

Kids in my grade have to have embarrassing jobs. Jobs that are ridiculous because some kids get lucky and snipe all the good ones. But they are usually where you least expect that person to work. Working at the Gap would be fine for some preppy guy fashionista who wears a polo and a sweater everyday of his life. Paul Spinella was the opposite of that.

I saw him pushing a rack across the store not noticing me and wearing a yellow striped polo he looked uncomfortable in. He stopped at a table close-by covered in a mess of sweaters. He started folding them instantly. And quickly. Looking pissed off. That must happen often. People screwing up the sweaters.

Caitlyn was playing with my cell phone she fished out of my bag. Pressing buttons and believing that if she called someone she'd get in trouble. Such deep trouble she couldn't even hear it.

So I contemplated it. I was hidden behind a rack of clothes he wouldn't notice. His back to me. I walked up behind him. Preparing myself. He went on folding. And folding. And folding. Finishing the first row of red sweaters. I jumped up behind him covering his eyes.

I hit target. Sometimes you miscalculate and your hands half cover one eye or miss both completely. I covered them perfectly. He jumped out of defense when it happened. Almost knocking me backwards. I bit my lip to keep form laughing. He froze. "Rainie?" He asked suddenly.

I let him see again. I moved to the side of the table. "How did you know it was me?" I was surprised he had known it was me right away.

He looked at me sort of shocked he had been right. But he went back to folding. He shrugged, smiling a little. "Only you would do that to me," He said.

He's called me random, ridiculous, and a series of other words over our texts. I smiled. "You didn't tell me you worked at the Gap." I said. Leaning onto the table.

He looked at me raising his eyebrows. "Would you tell people you worked here?" He asked.

I thought about this. "No," I said. I laughed a little. He smiled returning to his folding. "So, what's new?"

"I have to work on my day off." He said, pissed off and pessimistic. "What about you?"

"I'm shopping with my little sister," I said looking over at Caitlyn. Who looked down when I looked at her. Paul turned and looked at her. "We've been here for about two hours shopping now."

"That's better than working here," He said folding again.

"I listened to that band you told me to though," I said excitedly.

He looked up. "Really?" He asked. "What did you think?"

"I'm obsessed with them!" I said smiling.

"If you don't like Sunday Drive something's wrong with you." He said smiling at me. He kept folding. He folded each into perfect squares even not looking.

"I haven't listened to them before, and I've heard of them and like one of their songs, I just never knew what it was." I said. "But they are amazing."

He smiled at me. "I'm glad you like them," He said. "You're not the hopeless cause I thought you were." He hated a lot of the music I liked. All the pop-punk and poppy alternative stuff. He liked good techno but not the stuff I liked. And we had debated those topics the entire time we texted.

"Did you listen to Clarity?" I asked him.

He looked up. "The Jimmy Eat World record?" He asked. "Yeah, I actually bought it. It's alright. I'm a little surprised it's your favorite record though. I didn't think you liked that kind of stuff."

I smiled. "I'm surprised you work here, I thought you'd work at a CD store or something."

He sighed. "I got fired from my last job at Carol's," He said. The coffee shop Bennett plays a lot. "And this is all I could find."

"I got fired from my last job a month ago." I said. "Starbucks. I kept messing up people's orders." I smiled. "I bet you get a sweet discount."

He didn't find this very funny he exhaled thorugh hhis nose closing his eyes. I smiled at him. Caitlyn came over to us. "Hi," She stood next to me looking up a Paul.

Paul was sort of tall. I was about a head shorter than him. My head was level to his chest. And Caitlyn made it to my waist. She was really short. Paul must look like a giant to her. She looked up at him. And he smiled down at her. "Hi," He said to her.

"I'm Caitlyn," She said. "Are you Paul?"

He smiled not even looking at me. "Yeah," He said. He went back to folding. He was really close to being done with the table. Caitlyn smiled up at me. I nodded. "I haven't seen you around school." He said to me.

"I haven't seen you either." I said. I saw him that one time but that didn't count to me. It was just a quick flash of him. "What hallway is your locker in?"

"The history one," He said.

I nodded. "I'm in the English hallway," They were right across from each other with the library in between. "I'll look for your locker-"

"Paul, register, now!" A guy said cutting across the store. Snapping his fingers as he walked. There was a line accumulating. I tried not to laugh.

"I hate this job," Paul said under his breathe watching the man who I assumed was his manager. He looked at me. "I'll see you around."

"Text me when you get off of work." I said.

He smiled. "Okay," He said. "Bye,"

"Bye."

He walked over to the registers ringing up the clothes of the obnoxious looking woman in line. His manager ringing up another. "Do you want to pay?" I asked Caitlyn.

She tugged my arm down. I leaned over and she whispered something in my ear. I looked at her smiling a little. "Maybe," I said.

We got in line. Except Paul's manager helped us. While he rang up the sweatshirt I looked over at Paul. He smiled at me a little. Taking a shirt off of a hanger. He was sort of cute. And he was really nice. And funny. I felt sort of different all of a sudden. One word rang out in my mind again, still hanging in the air: maybe.

I paid. His manager- Steve- put it in. Everyone using credit cards. I used cash. I looked back over at Paul. And he was looking at me differently. He blinked and I smiled at him. He smiled back and we both looked away. Caitlyn looking up at me all smiley too.

I don't remember what might be running through my head if I saw two kids looking at each other smiling at each other a little. I have a feeling though Caitlyn had forgotten Sean. She had said she liked him a lot at lunch. And now I'm not so sure who was winning the popular vote so far. Because all of a sudden it seemed like a choice. I didn't like Paul. Maybe I just liked the idea of him now because he was texting me. Or the fact that we liked the same things. But I had this weird feeling in my gut. Not butterflies. Something else. I walked out of the Gap. The least likely place it seemed to find Paul Spinella.

But I felt him watching me walk away. Rain, do you have a crush on Paul?

Maybe.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I was home. Caitlyn had shown all of her new clothes to everyone. And Queenie thanked me for taking her. She had an ultra-sound and they had pictures of the baby. The first picture of the baby. My dad looked so happy.

I don't think I've seen him this happy except for maybe his wedding. But he was always like this when my mother was alive. I'm so excited for my future half-brother or sister. I wish my mother could see all of these good things happening. I wish she could understand that we're all so happy. But I don't know how much I believe she's watching over me. If she was I have a feeling that I would have never gone through half of the stuff I did two years ago.

There's always a part of me that wonders how my father could have managed to fall in love again. So quickly too. Well no quickly, but in the sense that he lost my mother. He had planned to be with my mother for forever and now he has found someone else he wants to spend forever with. It's confusing. I guess maybe there aren't soul mates. I mean for the rare few they might have a soul mate, but I don't think I know anyone who does. My father didn't if he would fall in love again.

It's occurred to me that I don't know what love is. But I will probably know it when it happens to me. When I find that person. My parents fell in love young. High School Sweethearts. I'm graduating in a year and a half. I don't think I'll have one of these 'High School Sweethearts.' Watching my father seeing him smiling and happy about being with Queenie I have a good feeling I have a while before that happens.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I jump a little. Caitlyn talking about our shopping trip. Sitting next to me. I take my phone out and open it under the table. Answering Paul quickly. "Who was that?" Anna asks quietly looking at me.

I look at her. "My friend," I whispered.

Caitlyn looks over catching this. "I met three of Rainie's friends." She announced suddenly. I was expecting this. Surprised it hadn't been brought up earlier. Caitlyn was getting so much attention today. It must feel like her birthday. "Sean, Bennett, and Paul."

"They're all boys?" Queenie asks raising her eyebrows looking at me.

"Yeah," I said smiling a little. "They're all just my friends."

Caitlyn looked at me. "I thought you had crushes on two of them," She whispered to me.

Anna heard and laughed a little. "What?" My dad asked Anna. I smiled looking down at my dish. "Caitlyn what did you say?"

"Rainie has two crushes." She said.

"Two?" Queenie asked smiling. "I hope you're not teaching Caitlyn anything." She isn't a paranoid person as I first thought. She trusts me now. Enough to let me watch her kids and accept me as a daughter.

"No," I said shaking my head. "They're all just friends. I don't know, I might like one of them, but I don't know them that well."

Anna looked at me. "Bennett Williams?" I don't know how she knows Bennett. Everyone seems to in her grade. Her friends asking me if I was friends with him.

I nod.

"What does 'emo' mean?" Caitlyn asks Anna.

"Nothing," Anna said.

"Am I emo?" Caitlyn asks.

"No," I said.

"Are you?" She points at me.

I shrug. "I've been called it a couple times." I said.

"Rain!" My dad snapped. I explained 'emo' to him a while ago. Probably seventh grade when we were driving and he saw Peter White our neighbor in girl's jeans mowing the lawn.

"What?" I said. "It isn't a bad thing."

Anna looked at Caitlyn. "You just like this certain type of music a lot." She said. That was simple and Caitlyn didn't ask any more questions.

Jake finished his meal quietly. Not saying anything all dinner. He took his plate silently into the kitchen and went up the little wooden steps that were also in the bathroom so he could reach both sinks. He turned on the faucet and rinsed his plate before climbing down and sitting down again.

My phone buzzed in my hand. I opened my phone again. Answering another text message from Paul. Queenie watched me. Not saying anything or telling me to put my phone away. We finished dinner before I got another text message from Paul a few minutes later. I had told him to listen to this Jimmy Eat World song he hadn't heard yet.

* * *

I was doing my math homework. Struggling. Listening to Sunday Drive and trying not to notice that Paul hadn't texted me for an hour. I liked texting him. There was something about it. I was addicted. I got a message form Bennett telling me where the party was and what time he was playing and everything. And when Sean was going.

My phone rang. It vibrated actually a couple times before I answered. It was Jess-ee-cah. "Hello?" I said.

"I'm in love with Thomas!" She said loudly. I winced her voice hitting this sharp note and stinging my ear. "I hung out when him when I got out of work and we didn't even hook-up the whole time. We just talked."

"That's good," I said changing my phone to my other ear so I could keep writing. "What did you talk about?"

"Well we talked about you a little," She said. I stopped writing to listen. She was silent for a few seconds waiting for me to respond. She took this as me waiting for her to continue. "He told Paul about Sean."

I sat up a little more. "How did Thomas know about Sean?" I felt a shock. That was why he hadn't texted me after Monday morning. I felt awful suddenly like a complete whore. I was caught on a fence. Paul one side and Sean the other. I was leaning towards one side.

"He saw you hooking up with him at that party." She said. "I couldn't find you. I asked him to help me." She paused. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Paul didn't text me for a few days." I said. "I think that's why."

"He probably liked you Rain," She sighed. "That's what Thomas said."

"I ran into Paul today, and he was fine." I said crossing my arm across my chest. I felt so trashy. It was awful.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" She said. She was probably smiling. "I thought you only ran into Sean."

"No." I said. "I ran into him at the Gap. He works there. And he was completely fine and everything."

Jess-ee-cah paused. "What did he say to you?" She asked suddenly.

"We just talked about music again." I said. "And Caitlyn likes him a lot more than Sean. We were completely fine." There was a pause.

"Are you still going to that party with Sean?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Bennett sent me the address a few minutes ago."

"I'm sort of," She started. "Going to see Thomas' band play. And if you want you can come with me and go to that party later."

"I promised Bennett I'd go. And Sean." I said. "I think I like Sean. But I don't really know anymore."

"Why?" She asked.

"I think I like Paul more than I like Sean," I said. "I just feel trashy blowing Sean off to go somewhere Paul is when Paul probably secretly despises me for hooking up with another boy."

I heard her laugh quietly. "God, a week ago you decided to take a break from boys and now you're completely split in half not by one- but two! Geeze, Rain."

"I know," I said smiling. I dropped my head back. "I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to hear what I think?" She asked. "I say Sean is a safe bet. He probably likes you a ton and he's really cute and nice. And you knew you liked him before Paul. You don't know Paul that well, and you don't know Sean either but... I don't know I think you guys would make a cute couple. I mean you ran into him today, and Caitlyn obviously liked him. You obviously liked him. I think you just liked Paul because he was the last one you talked to."

I nodded. Listening to her. I don't believe everything Jess-ee-cah ever says. But I figured she was right to some extent. We talked a little more. Not about boys. And she told me that I could sleep over her house on Friday after the party. I figured I would so I could tell her about Sean and whatever happened.

But Queenie had asked me if I could pick Anna up from her friends house at ten-thirty. That means I can barely drink at all Friday. Because I'll be driving myself around and picking Anna up. And Jess-ee-cah had to tell me how everything went with Thomas.

When I hung up the phone I hadn't gotten a text message from Paul. I had a feeling he would be texting me on and off for the rest of my life. So I think what I decided was a good thing.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I was downstairs. I had just taken a few steps away form the steps, when I heard my name called. I turned smiling. I haven't heard from Paul since Wednesday. I saw him in school once but he didn't see me again. But I have a feeling my choice is made. Bennett told me that Sean really likes me.

So I have a feeling I won't be single much longer. And I couldn't stop smiling once I heard him say my name. I turned and saw him. He looked really cute tonight. He smiled and I went over to him. "Hey," He said.

I smiled. "Hi." I stopped a few feet away form him and he smiled a little more. He had such a nice smile.

"I didn't think you were coming." He said. I had been late. Of course. Jess-ee-cah having me over and not letting me go until I heard her Thomas-story. She was really excited. I left a few minutes before her passing a Thomas' car at the end of her street. I had missed Bennett playing and couldn't see him anywhere. "I'm so glad you're here though." He said smiling.

My heart started pounding a little. Slowly and loudly in my ears. "Me too," I said. And he smiled at me still. The same.

"Do you want me to get you a drink?" He asked.

"Yes," I said. "I can't drink that much tonight though."

He smiled, stepping a little closer to pass me. "One won't hurt." He said.

So I had one drink. And he had one. He was so nice. And smiley. We talked awkwardly for a few minutes. But then suddenly he looked at me. He touched my hand. "I really like you Rainie," He said.

I smiled. "I like you too." It's been a little hard spitting that sentence out for me since Wednesday. Even telling Jessicah I liked Sean was a transition. I started to drop words like "think" and "sort of" and now reached the point where I could say it.

He smiled at me. He was the kind of guy who played with your fingers. Fiddled around with them and laced and unlaced his with mine. I didn't mind that. And we talked a little more. Flirting and being a nice happy couple. Until finally he kissed me. And I finally got anything that was bothering me out of my head.

I'm not sure really what was. But it all washed away. And I kissed him back. He had another drink. This one I think was a little stronger and he got more comfortable. He played with my hands and said cute things I don't think he meant to. "You're so pretty," He said leaning in to kiss me. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen."

I smiled and thanked him.

I'm not sure there was really anything for me to say or any chance for me to. Because I started kissing him back. He was a good kisser. He wasn't the most amazing or flawless he was a little sloppy maybe because I was more sober than him. But he was so nice and cute. And upgrade form Kenny.

Kennedy was his real name but everyone called him Kenny. He was a senior now and he lives in the next town over- Natick. He wasn't tall or short or anything special. He just seemed to get a lot of girls and everything. We met at a party and hooked up. But he cheated on me too. And he didn't care at all about me. I think we just slept with each other. And when we broke up it never really mattered. It never does matter to me. I'm not dating boys to latch onto them and cry over them. They'll be other ones. No matter what. There's always going to be another. It's sad to say but it's always true.

My rules for dating boys go as follows: if you don't like them for the right reasons you shouldn't date them. If they are your friend's ex after the eighth grade you can't date them. No cheating on them. Don't break up with them for other guys unless you know the other guy is worth it. And always know they'll be other boys. There's no use slitting your wrists over one. We're all too young for that.

Sean was almost drunk after his third drink and was saying really cute things like how much he liked me and how much he thought about me and how much he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I think when Sean's drunk he has no filter at all in his head. He just lets it all come out. It was a little cute though. I smiled and thanked him. Not sure what else to say to the things he was saying.

But at Ten fifteen my cell phone alarm went off. I smiled at him weakly. Disappointed I didn't' want to go. "I have to go pick up my sister." I said. "I'll be right back like I promised."

He pouted a little. I smiled and kissed him. He kissed me back. When I got up, he took my hands again and pulled my face to his and kissed me so gently. His lips moving softly against mine. I kissed him back the same. And then he let me go.

I had coffee in my car already in a to-go cup Queenie had. She doesn't drink that much coffee anymore because she heard it is bad for the baby. So I've been using it. I drank about half of it before I left. Pulling out into the street to go to Anna's friend's house.

Anna has four best friends. Three of them are these really nice girls. And the other is this boy she is secretly in love with. Her best friend. And she can't say anything because Anna is sort of shy unless she's around the right people. The right people being these four best friends. And the boy the rare exception.

When I pulled up in front of her friend's house I saw three girls. They were running around in the front yard. One of them must be gone already. This is the only time I see Anna act like a normal kid. Queenie's kids have been through a lot. Seeing their father go and not knowing who Jake and Jesse's fathers are just adding to the drama. Everything their mother has gone through has been inherited by these kids. Jesse has a future. A goal. He's in college now. A big Ivy League one. Full scholarship because he was so smart.

But I'm worried about Caitlyn and Anna. Caitlyn is suffering from never getting enough. And Anna seeing all this happening and understanding why. And having me as a sister.

My past here in Kerrington isn't flawless. I stumbled into the house a couple times. Giggling. And there was one time when Anna saw me slip in late seeing I didn't have a shirt of and was hiding it by wearing Kenny's zip-up hoodie. There are moments when I'm not me greatest. And I hate having her see that.

And her understanding. Because Anna always understands in her own quiet way. It's just the big picture she can never piece together. But when I pulled up I watched her running around with her friends. I smile and watch her.

I always am a little depressed by this because even though I have the father she never had until now, she has the years I never had. And it's sad to see what I missed when I watch her.

She slid into the front seat of my car though. Her cheeks were flushed and she was halfway out of breathe. "Hi," She said smiling still. Her normalness wearing off only a little.

"Hey," I say smiling. "Did you have fun?"

"Yes," She said still smiling. "How is your party?"

I smile a little. "I think I might start dating this boy."

"One of the two you liked?" She asked looking at me. Her breathe becoming even and quiet again suddenly.

"Yeah," I said.

She smiled. "That's good." She said. And she sat back as I started driving. She looked out her window. Then she turned her head looking at me. I keep my eyes on the road. "Rain, how come you always get boyfriends no matter what?" She asked suddenly.

I looked at her. A little surprised by this. She never asks me questions like that. I shrug. "I always show them that I like them, and they usually like me back." I said.

"Why don't they ever last very long?" She asks.

I look at her quickly. She's staring out the windshield. I open my mouth. "Because sometimes you can like someone and it won't last forever. It's not ever meant to be." I said. "I mean you can say you love them, but you never mean it."

"Why though?" She asked. "Why would you say it if you didn't mean it?" This was a side of Anna I never knew. One that was questioning something. I saw she was just trying to understand.

"You always think you mean it but you never realize that until after." I say suddenly. My voice staying even and honest. She was thirteen she didn't need me to lie to her. "I'm too young to be in love anyways."

She nodded. Falling silent again. I felt slightly uneasy with her. She was someone else on the inside. She was getting comfortable with me. I saw that she was looking up to me like Queenie always said she was. I never really believed it because there always seemed to be a part of her that resented me. Resented the parts of me that tried to hide the fact that I was missing my shirt and the fact that I was drunk. But there were parts finally coming up that showed she looked up to me in a small way. I watched her drive home.

She hides those parts of herself well from me.

* * *

I was driving back to the party with Sean. I thought about all the things I could have said to Anna to answer her questions but didn't think of them in the moment. I was stuck behind this car near the Quick-E Mart.

The light there lasts forever because it's so old. It lasts for ten minutes it feels. And the car slowed down right when the light turned yellow backing up so it was behind the white line in the street. I sat there at the wheel drumming on it.

I hate getting stuck behind someone like this. It always happens when you want to get somewhere. I finally settled back. Pressing my back against my seat looking at the driver. No- glaring. But they were too busy waiting for the light to turn red.

This was going to take forever. I turned my head. A flash of washed out red caught my eyes. I knew who it was. Of course. He walked leaving behind a black expensive-looking car to the Quick-E Mart to probably pay for gas. Even from behind he screamed the name Paul Spinella.

I looked ahead. The light still red. But I caught a green arrow. Pointing to the left I needed to take to go to the Quick-E Mart. I weighed it all out. I looked over as he finally stepped into the little crappy gas station store. Why not?

Taking one last look over to the gas station, I pulled into the lane putting my blinker on and turning into the small lot. Parking where he couldn't see my car or me get out of it. And then began walking up. The register made it so his back was to me. I slipped inside the door open letting the warmer spring air come in.

The table with crappy coffee and Twinkies was close so I ducked down behind it ninja style. He didn't notice but the college-kid behind the counter eyed me. I smiled biting my lip. He'd never notice me. I moved to the ninety-nine cent candy isle. Catching his profile.

It struck me though how honest he looked. There are moments when you look at someone and really see them. Not just look past everything. It was one of those moments when you could just see everything laid out for you on that person's face. When they're hair isn't perfect and they aren't trying to be anything or make you think anything. It's the way people look when nobody's watching and they are only themselves. They are one-hundred percent what they look like without posing or being someone they aren't when they're like this. And it made me feel like this wasn't so hilarious. I smiled because seeing him made me feel kind of nice.

I watched him pay for his gas. And then he took a pack of cigarettes off of the counter having paid for them too. He walked out. Not even noticing me still. Watching him, ducked down- my face level to a pack of stale looking stiff gummy worms and gummy bears and gummy dinosaurs.

Paul walked out again taking his time opening the pack of cigarettes as he went. I followed him. The kid behind the counter watching me with rubber eyes. Nodding at me when I looked at him.

My aim was great these days. This time when I jumped up behind him, my hands covered his eyes perfectly again. He jumped a little. Not so much this time. Showing me he didn't expect me to jump up behind him. But the moment his eyes were suddenly blocked he had a feeling it was me. Because the first words to come out of his mouth when he relaxed- his lighter and cigarette hitting the ground loudly- "Rainie, what the fuck are you doing?"

I had myself pressed a little too hard against him- maybe my aim wasn't as good as I thought. I laughed a little. Moving my hands away from his eyes. And letting him see again.

He looked at me once. Sighing heavily. I smiled. "I'm sorry," I said. I put my hands up, palms flat towards him. "I couldn't resist."

He smiled a little shaking his head. "Only you," He said under his breathe. He bent down getting his lighter and leaving his cigarette there on the ground, not even lit yet. Never will be.

He took out the pack from his back pocket again. I moved up on the curb next to him watching him again. I was struck yet again by how honest he looked. He didn't pay me any notice. He just lit his cigarette and took in a deep drag.

"I didn't know you smoked." I said looking at him. I never smoked myself, but I've inhaled enough secondhand smoked to say I have. Tonight though, the wind blew the smoke from his mouth away from me.

He looked at me. "Not really anymore," He said. "I'm trying to quit."

I smiled a little brighter than before. "So you don't want me to give you a lecture," I nudged him. "Huh?"

He exhaled smoke again. Looking at me. "Nah," He said smiling. "Not tonight."

He looked forward. Taking in another drag. I sat down on the curb. Looking up at him. I felt so small. He exhaled another trial of smoke and then sat down next to me. I crossed my arms. Even though it was spring it was still a little cold. It was a nice cool spring night though. The moon a thick slit in the sky. Barely visible through the washed out light of the gas station.

"How was your show?" I asked. He looked at me suddenly. His eyebrows down. I took this as confusion. "Your band played a show at the church tonight right?"

He nodded. Looking down at the ground quickly. He eyes traveling forward again. "Yeah," He said. "It was an alright show. Fifteen kids probably."

I smiled. "That's good." I said. "My friend was there." I looked at him. "I'm a little disappointed in you, though, Paul."

He looked at me. "Why?" His eyebrows were furrowed again.

"You were supposed to tell me when your band was playing." I said smiling at him. "I just found out the other day through my best friend."

"Sorry," He said smiling quietly. "I didn't think you'd be interested in going." He paused. "Is that friend you heard about it from named Jessicah?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "She was there tonight."

He nodded. "Yeah, I met her." He looked forward taking in another drag. "Her and everyone else went to some Kerrington party she insisted on going to."

I smiled. "Figures," He looked at me. His cigarette burning out. "I was there, but I had to drive my little sister home from her friend's house."

He nodded.

"What about you?" I asked.

"I'm kind of tired," He said shrugging a little.

I looked forward again. Seeing a reflection of us in his big black expensive looking car. We were two people, extremely different. My skin pale. He was sort of dark. But under the lights, out flesh was washed out and three shades lighter. I was small compared to him too. My arms like tooth-picks and his were nice and muscular. He wasn't chunky. He was pretty slim, he was just average. And I was almost a sickly kind of skinny. But in some weird way we complimented each other. We fit. If it was possible for two people as different as we were to do so. I watched him look at me. Casually and almost unnoticeably. In a weird chaotic way were fit together. We harmonized. In an odd way we fit.

There was a pang in my chest when I realized this. I laced my fingers together. My stomach suddenly filling with this different feeling. And my heart was reacting the same way. I looked over at him. He looked down dropping his cigarette on the ground.

"So, uh," He started. I was scared this was going to be goodbye. Something wanted me to stay a little while longer. "There's this party tomorrow," He said. My stomach started to shake. I pushed my bangs out of my eyes. "It's not that big of a deal, just a small-ish one. I'm not sure whose going but it's at my friend's house, and if you're not doing anything," I smiled. My heart was singing I realized. That was the best way to put it into words. "And I don't know if you want to, maybe we could... we could go together."

He looked at me. "I'd love to." I realized his eyes were this nice green- it didn't' make a big deal out itself. And they filled with shock. Shock almost to see that I was smiling.

There was this cat we used to have. My mother found him at a pet shelter and took him home. He was an indoor cat I guess, but we didn't know that just yet. He used to climb trees. And not only did he climb really high, but he didn't know how to climb down. So we made him an indoor cat again. His one goal after that was to not climb trees and get stuck in them, but to get outside. We'd stop him Ninety-nine percent of the time. But when he did get out, he had prepared himself for failure, so he never was sure what to do or where to run. And as he stood in shock that he had finally succeeded, we would grab him and get him inside. I thought of that seeing Paul struggle to come up with something else to say.

I think he expected me to say no. So I let him stutter trying to put a sentence together.

"Cool," He says finally. "So, I'll pick you up at Seven-thirty or-"

"Seven-thirty's great." I said smiling at him patiently. It was so cute in a small way to watch him squirm slightly.

He looked at me finally. Smiling. "Great," He said.

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. Making me jump. I took it out. '1 New Message' from Jess-ee-cah. I looked at him. "I'm sorry," I said. "I have to go, but text me tomorrow." I smiled. "Or you could call me if you want to. I'll be around all day."

He smiled. "Yeah, sure." He said blinking. "I will."

We both stood up. Gravity not that strong anymore. I felt like I might float away any second. "Talk to you tomorrow," I said smiling. I started walking backwards to my car.

"Bye," He said smiling at me watching me.

I turned walking normally. He walked to his big black expensive looking car. I watched him. Opening my door. He looked at me. I smiled waving. "Goodnight," I said. My voice traveling the distance of washed out light in between us.

"You too." He said smiling back to me.

I got into my car. Starting it. I took a different way out of the Quick-E Mart lot than him. And we went in different directions. But my heart was still singing. I don't think I'll be able to go back to that Kerrington party. Suddenly remembering Sean. So I took the left up the street a little going towards Jess-ee-cah's street.

* * *

She came upstairs at two in the morning. Her hair was a mess. And she waved to me quietly. Getting the clothes off of her vanity. "Hi," I said quietly. I felt sort of tired. My phone buzzed next to me. '1 New Message.'

I texted Paul actually. Bored. I didn't lie to him about where I was. And we've been texting talking about music. And surprisingly we've been flirting with each other the whole time. I felt all happy and like my heart would start singing again whenever I got another message.

"Hey," She said. She changed in the bathroom. Coming back into the room. She pulled her hair back.

"What's new?" I asked crossing my legs.

She sighed letting her arms drop. She smiled a little sheepishly. "I slept with Thomas." She said. "You?" She asked.

"Do you really like Thomas?" I asked.

She nodded walking over to her bed and sitting on it. "What happened tonight?" She asked looking at me. Her eyebrows coming together. "I saw Sean and no you. Why did you leave?"

I smiled to myself. "I have a date tomorrow." I said.

Something clicked in her mind. She smiled a little. "Paul, right?" I opened my mouth to ask her how she knew. She was psychic but not usually about something like this. I realized how slightly random it was. She shrugged a little. "The guys were teasing him all night for being too chicken to ask you out. I figured that was the only thing that would have kept you from going back to the party." She smiled at me a little. "He's sort of cute actually. I didn't think you liked guys like that."

"Like what?" I asked pulling my legs against my chest.

"He's kind of muscular." She said. "Has to have been a jock. And he's sort of... different looking."

"He's really sweet." I said. "And he's really easy to talk to. And he's not that bad looking."

She smiled. "Who'd of thought?" She said. "Two weeks ago you say no boys and here you are all smiley and happy about a date tomorrow."

I smiled to myself. "I know." I said. "And look at you. All smiley and happy. I thought friends-with-benefits were just a few free hook-ups."

"Touché." She said. "Night, Rain."

She turned off the one lamp on her bedside table. I texted Paul for a little whole longer in the dark. We both fell asleep on each other. Who'd of thought I'd be going on a date with Paul Spinella?


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I came downstairs, I had showered and I was feeling surprisingly upbeat. I smiled when Caitlyn looked up from her coloring. "Hi Rain," She said happily. I had gotten home a little while ago and gone right upstairs and showered and changed into new clothes like I always do. Even though I wasn't drunk last night.

"Hi," I said. I sat on the couch looking at the TV. "What show is this?"

"Sesame Street." She said wrinkling her nose. "It's a little kid show."

"I love this show!" I said happily. I crossed my legs so I sat Indian-style. Looking at the TV. Jake looked at me like I was crazy. And Caitlyn looking back at the TV too.

She shrugs one shoulder. "It's okay." She says to agree with me. I knew Jake chose to watch this. I smile at Jake. And he smiles a little too, covering his mouth. He has these blue eyes. These really bright radiant blue eyes. It's almost inhuman, but they're amazing.

Caitlyn looked at me. "How was your party last night?" She asked.

I smile. All I've thought about is Paul since I woke up with a text message from him this morning. I gave him directions to my house last night. And his message said good morning. "Do you remember Paul?" I asked.

She nodded instantly smiling.

"I'm going on a date with him tonight," I said.

* * *

Once Caitlyn knew it was impossible to hide from anyone. When I was upstairs she opened the door for Jess-ee-cah and told her the moment she walked in. I was a little nervous. A little excited.

"Ready for your hot date Rain?" Jessicah asked shutting the door of my room.

"Yeah," I said. Smiling at her. I was using my computer. I turned looking at her.

She smiled goofily. "Someone's looking a little nervous." She said. When I got a message from him my hands shook a little and I got all jittery and my heart started speeding even if he said something that wasn't that big of a deal. I was getting more and more nervous.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not that nervous," I said. "I am a little though."

She dropped onto my bed kicking off her shoes. She smiled and stayed until I forced her out. I was ready. I put on a little make-up. I had caked it on, but took it all off. I don't think he even really care what I looked like. So I didn't dress up and put on all the make-up I own. I wore what I would to any party. Today was a band t-shirt I bought when I was smaller and it fits me nicer now. And the same jeans I would wear any other day.

My dad was sitting on the couch watching me. I was sitting watching TV. My stomach going insane inside of me. And I was jittery and excited. I really like Paul. But my dad was reading the Sunday newspaper watching me like I was crazy.

"You nervous?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. I paused. "I'm not usually."

He sighed mumbling something under his breathe. I smiled turning away. A pair of headlights swung around the street. It was five minutes after he was supposed to pick me up. And I peeked out the window quickly.

"Bye," I said waving to my dad. I started walking to the door.

"You still have a curfew," He said loudly.

"I know," I said stopping at the door.

"Just checking." My dad is pretty average. We aren't extremely close but we don't live on different planets and despise each other. We just are never going to be the same after my mother died. I sighed smiling to myself, opening the door quickly. Catching Paul just as he was about to get out of his car.

I don't like boys I'm dating to meet my parents so soon. I've done this for as long as I remember. I never let them walk up to my front door. Ever. And they catch on sometimes and stop coming out. It's rude I guess- at least corny parents or friends of Queenie and my dad say whenever I run out of the house.

It's a habit. It's in my set of rules and guidelines for dating a boy. So I smiled hurrying to Paul's car. He shut his door awkwardly. They never know what to do the first time it ever happens. But I climbed into the front seat next to him. Smiling. I shut the door. "Hey," I said smiling.

My bar is never set high for dates. I never believe first impressions of the insides of cars or anything. I went on a date with a stoner kid once and his front seats were entirely filled with crunched beer cans. And it was an alright date actually. We dated for a couple times. But I looked around. Paul's car was sort of expensive looking. It was a big black SUV-type car. The inside though was just cloth. Nothing like all leather with cherry wood whatever it's called. And it was pretty clean. There wasn't anything like cigarettes lying around or questionable stains anywhere. In fact it was a nice car.

"Hey," He said smiling back at me. "What's up?"

He wasn't wearing a seatbelt so I didn't bother to put one on. That's another little thing. Never put on a seatbelt unless you have the exact instinct to. He pulled away from the curb outside of my house and started driving. "Nothing," I said. "You?"

"Same,"

I looked at the stereo. "What's this?" I asked.

He looked at me. "Oh-" He started quickly. "Sorry, it's the, uh, Smashing Pumpkins. I know you don't like them..." I had said that as one of the bands I disliked that he said he liked. We "discussed"- if that's the proper word for it; more of a euphemism for fought over them for about twenty minutes. But I listened as he reached for the radio. I moved his hand away with mine.

"No," I said. I smiled a little. "I like this song. What's it called?"

He paused listening to it. "'Mayonnaise'" He said.

I listened quietly. He looked at me. Then back to driving. "You said you hated everything by them," He said smiling.

I rolled my eyes shaking my head smiling back at him. My stomach settling a little. We've only talked three times in person. Texted the rest of our conversations. And it was good to realize that talking to him was the same as texting him. "You said you hated Jimmy Eat World..." I brought up again.

"Fine," And he dropped the subject.

"You know we've only found one compromise so far musically." I said smiling at him.

He looked at me, he hadn't stopped smiling and neither had I. "What?" He asked.

"Sunday Drive," I said. "I'm obsessed with them."

He paused thinking about this. "Alright," He said. "So we have one thing in common musically."

"And Alkaline Trio," I said. "That's two! We're soul mates, Paul Spinella."

He laughed shaking his head a little.

We kept talking. He kept conversation going well and we talked easily. Tonight, even driving in the dark to a party, it didn't feel like a first date. We were just two old friends. I smiled and kept talking to him. Scared I wouldn't be able to stop smiling. But he was so nice and everything. I had my hopes high after the drive there.

The party was pretty small. There were people I didn't know, and Paul went to get me a drink. Leaving me off to the side. I looked at all of these people I didn't seem to know. I saw Gina though, Paul's friend Jack's girlfriend. She came over to me smiling really sweetly. She was nice. "Hi," She said.

"Hey," I said.

"You and Paul are here together?" She asked smiling. She sipped the beer in her hand. I nodded smiling a little. Or trying to keep myself from doing so again. "You two are so cute together."

I never heard that. It's sort of nice to hear. That you look cute with someone. That you look good standing next to someone and that you fit. All expressed witch such a varied word like "cute" but I smiled and thanked her. We talked a little. She told me how Paul was getting ripped apart by his friends last night about "chickening out" but I thought it was a little cute to hear that. To know Jess-ee-cah wasn't exaggerating.

But Paul was coming back, and she said goodbye, slipping back into the crowd to Jack. I smiled at Paul when he came back over. And I started talking to him. In a weird way he seemed a little shocked to find me still where I was. And that I was still interested in continuing conversation.

Paul Spinella, who'd of thought.

* * *

There was a pool table downstairs and I was sitting on it. He was standing still talking to me. He was such an easy person to talk to. And I loved talking to him so much. I could have gone on for hours.

But there were really sweet subtle things he'd slip in. Nice comments that made my stomach fill with butterflies but he'd keep going. Like he had never even said anything to make me smile at him or feel like my heart would explode. I tried doing the same thing, but it didn't work out. I'd smile at him too much when I said them and he'd smiled back at me. And we'd usually stop talking for a few seconds. Just looking at each other.

We were talking about music. And stories about songs and that turned into talking about all different things. I smiled a lot. But when I slipped in another trying-to-be-subtle comment he stopped and just looked at me.

I got this feeling. Like my chest was singing and my stomach was shaking. I smiled a little softer and he looked at me in this different way. I swear he was this close to kissing me. I wouldn't have minded it either. I would have kissed him back.

"Paul!"

He looked in the other direction. And I slid off of the table. I felt weird being shorter than him again. The table made me a few inches higher than he was. Now I was just short again. Barely making it up to his chin. I looked over next to where I was sitting getting my beer. Almost empty.

It was Thomas. Paul looked at me. "Sorry," He said. "Do you mind?"

I shook my head. "Of course not." I said. And in a minute I was sitting next to Paul on a couch talking to Paul and his friends. Thomas was flirting with this other girl but him and Jess-ee-cah were just friends-with-benefits. No matter how awkward it was I did my best to ignore it.

My knee was almost against his. I sat more forward than him though. He sat back and talked. It was obvious we were together. We were on a date. It was comfortable and I liked being there with him. I liked Thomas looking at us funny when I said something only for Paul to hear. And Paul always smiled at me funny. And I smiled at him too.

I like talking to Gina. I feel like we would have a lot in common. Paul said if he had to pick a best friend he guessed it would be Jack but he doesn't really have one.

"Do you want me to get you another drink?" Paul asked leaning forward.

I smiled. "Sure,"

And he stood up. "I'll come with you," Jack said he took Gina's cup. And simultaneously Thomas and that girl got us and walked away holding hands.

Gina looked at me when they were gone. She finished her beer off and put the cup in the table. She ran her fingers through her hair quickly. Thinking. "Do you like Paul?" She asked suddenly.

"Yes," I said, he disappeared up the staircase. And I looked back at Gina.

She looked at me. "I don't know," She said. "It's just I've heard a lot about you and I've never seen him positive before."

I finished off my beer. Placing it on the table and nudging it forward a little. Keeping my mine busy. I clenched and unclenched my teeth. "The story about me and Bennett Williams?" I asked. She paused not knowing what to say. Her mouth opened but she never said anything. "Or stories- I should say." I pushed my bangs out of my eyes. "I'm not like that. I mean people talk a lot because he's Bennett Williams and everything and we're friends and we talk sometimes at parties. They're not true at all."

She nodded. She smiled asking her head. "The reason I'm like this is because Paul and I are just family friends. Our older sisters used to be friends and I've known him for a while." She shrugged a shoulder. "He's still my friend, and I look out for him. Those stories though, are oddly detailed."

I nodded widening my eyes. "You have no idea."

When Paul sat down next to me again, his knee was against mine. He started to move but I actually shifted too. Our legs stayed against each other's. I liked being close to him. He sat back again and I sat forward.

We talked to Jack and Gina for a little while before they had to leave. When they did I sat back. He must have had his arm there before. Not expecting me to sick back. But I felt comfortable sitting there. And I felt nice being so close to him. I smiled softly at him. And we just looked at each other.

He looked so honest right then. Nothing about him was fake or overconfident or anything. He was himself. One-hundred percent. I waited for him to kiss me. I wanted him too. My heart picking up speed as I looked at him. He smiled softly at me. "Do you want to go somewhere?" He asked.

His voice was sort of low. The type of voice every boy has. Low and sweet-ish. But we were so close his words vibrated in me. I nodded. "I'd love to." I said. My voice falling softer. I just kept looking at him though.

* * *

I slipped my hand into his when we were walking away from the party. I smiled swinging our hands. "Where are we going?" I asked.

He smiled. "I don't know."

"A surprise?" I asked stopping. He didn't let go of my hand, he stopped and looked at me. He smiles shaking his head. He wove his fingers into mine and tugged my arm gently. We walked to his car. His hand was warm and soft. My own fit within his. I smiled and kept walking next to him.

And he started driving; I played around with his radio. Putting on the Top 40. He groaned turning the volume down all the way. He stopped at a stop sign, pushing my hand away as I reached forward. "That's my favorite song," I said. He opened his glove compartment full of CDs. And turned on the light.

I put on a Sunday Drive CD. And didn't pay attention to where we drove.

He parked in this little dirt patch on the side of the road. I looked at him. "Is this where you kill me?" I asked sarcastically.

He sighed. "Yep, come on," He said opening his door. "Let's get this over with."

I slipped out of my side and met him in front of his car. He started walking to this path turning and looking at me to follow him. I slipped my hand into his again. He wove his fingers into mine.

It was a short walk and we went to this little clearing. It wasn't a making out place, it was a talking place.

We sat across form each other. The moon was really bright tonight, and I could see him. Or the outline of him. His back was more to the light of the moon. I shifted to Indian style. "Let's play Truth or Dare." I said smiling at him. He leaned back onto his hands. "You're turn: Truth or Dare?"

He looked at me like I was insane. "What?" He said.

My jaw dropped a little. "You've never played Truth or Dare before?" I asked. That was impossible. Everyone's played this game before. Even boys. It was programmed into your minds at birth along with the ability to speak and breathe.

He rolled his eyes. "I know how to play," He said. "I just don't see why we have to."

I leaned onto my hands. "Why not?"

He sighed again. I took this as a sign I had won. "Fine," He said, his voice slightly irritated. "Truth."

I smiled, straightening my shoulders. "Do you want me to coddle you?" I wagged my finger at him. "Start you out slow and ease you in." He looked at me. Not in a mean way. Just a no way. I smiled looking down at the grass in front of me. "Okay," My smile faded. I picked the grass. Plucking out the top halves of the small thin green stalks from the ground. "Do you like me?" I looked at him. He opened his mouth to answer. "I mean," My voice sounded so pathetic. So vulnerable. I hated it. I sounded so different. "Really, really, really like me."

He waited an extra second. To see if I made the question more specific. "Yes." He said with a nod.

I smiled at him. And then leaned back onto my palms too. "Truth," I said.

He paused thinking. "Same question." He said.

I smiled a little less and looked at him. Barely visible through the dark, he waited there a few short feet from me. "Yes," I said. I could see him smile though. Through the natural dimness of this clearing.

"Truth." He said again.

I narrowed my eyes at him a little. "You're one of those boys that just picks truth after truth, aren't you?" I asked.

"Is there a problem?" He asked.

I shrugged. And thought about it. Again. Taking my time. I looked at the dark ground. Then up at him again. My eyes were adjusted in the darkness so I could see the outlines of his face. "Why did you stop texting me after Wednesday?" I asked.

He was quiet for a few seconds. His eyes going towards the ground away from me. "I didn't think you liked me back." He said. His voice sounding soft and vulnerable as mine had. I stared at him though.

"Why?" I asked softly.

"You can't ask two questions." His voice back to normal.

"Follow-up," I said quickly. He sighed again. He looked down again. He didn't fight me this time.

"Look at you Rainie." He said suddenly. His voice so soft and low. It vibrated in my heart from the distance between us. "I mean, you're gorgeous. You liking me back was such a long-shot. And I heard about you and this other kid, and I didn't want to keep screwing with myself. I didn't think I stood a chance."

I looked at him so softly. "I chose you." I said softly.

He looked at me. His eyes traveling through the dark to me. Seeing me in a different way. It made my chest feel funny.

"Truth," I said leaning forward.

He thought of a question. "Why me?" He asked.

I smiled a little, looking at him. "You're really nice. And even though I despise fifty-percent of the music you listen to, I like talking to you a lot. You don't make me sit here and pull along conversation like you learned to talk yesterday. And everything I know about you so far makes me like you. And I don't know." I said I picked some more grass. "I feel like the fact that we kept running into each other must mean something."

He looked at me. "You're into that Fate crap right?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Sometimes." I said. "But other times you have to take fate into your own hands."

He scratched his arm. And let my words hang in the air. "Truth," He said.

We went back and forth. Truths going back and forth. Things you always wonder on that first date. Things you sometimes never find out. I liked having them all out of the way. I had so many more. I liked him so much. Now I liked him even more than before. He was almost a new person than I thought. He was soft right now. In not a fake way. He was more real than probably half of the guys I've ever dated. It was nice. I liked talking to him. And being with him.

Finally he paused, smiling a little. He looked at me. Locking his eyes with mine. "Dare." He said.

I smiled wider. "Oof." I said. "Are you ready Paul Spinella? Do you want me to coddle you now?"

He paused thinking. "No," He said.

"Alright." I started thinking. All of the completely ridiculous things I could make him do or do to him. As we sat in the silence he seemed to catch up on this. He shifted uneasily. Not quite sure I would throw at him. Finally I had one. I looked at him. And smiled. "Okay. Are you ready?" I didn't wait for a response. I let the moment climax. "Close your eyes."

He looked at me. "What are you going to do?" He asked sort of scared.

I laughed a little. "That's the dare." I said. "Close your eyes."

He looked at me steadily. And then closed his eyes. I sat there for a few seconds. Making sure he would keep them closed. "You're not going to do anything weird are you?" He asked.

I laughed. "Shhh." I said softly.

I waited sixty seconds. He remained unmoving. I stood up softly. Making sure he didn't cheat. I went over to him and sat on his lap facing him. My hands around his neck. He opened his eyes.

There were two reactions. One was to kiss me. The other was to hesitate. Showing that I had rushed this. Pushed him to kiss me. And forced him to do something he probably didn't want to. But he paused. Not saying anything. Just looking at me softly. In a way I never expected. H didn't do anything he just looked at me. His eyes soft and searching mine. Looking inside of me. Into my soul.

That scared me. I felt his eyes locked with mine. I tried not to blink. Tried not to ruin this. But my stomach started shaking and I lost all confidence. He broke me free of whatever confidence I had to bring me here. To make such a bold move towards him. And we just sat there looking at each other. I wondered what he was thinking.

He touched my face lightly. And leaned in. I closed my eyes. And felt his lips find mine softly. I pressed mine against his. It wasn't a movie kiss. Those aren't that rare. Or special. Or anything. It was one of those perfect kisses. When your heart starts beating really fast and you can't control your thoughts. And you're so scared. Yet you let all of this happen. It's one of those kisses when everything really is perfect. And nothing else matters. It's when all you can do is feel. You feel everything at once. In a way you can't even start to describe it. We didn't' stop kissing. And don't be mistaken, he was a great kisser.

* * *

We were lying there. I cuddled against his side. His arm around me and resting against my lower back. We lay there silently. It was getting later and later. We hadn't taken any clothes off or anything like that. I was past curfew but I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay there for as long as I could.

He kissed my forehead. His lips warm on my skin. I smiled at him. "I should take you home." He said softly.

I sat up. Leaning onto my arm and looking down at him. I pushed hair out of his face and smiled. "Okay," I sighed. "I guess."

He smiled a little. "What? Do you want to stay here and freeze to death all night?" He asked.

I smiled. "I'm not cold at all."

He sat up. He kissed me. "Come on," He said. He stood up pulled me to my feet too. I looped my arms around his neck. And his moved to my waist. I smiled at him.

"I had a great time," I said. He kissed me. Pressing his lips softly to mine. It was perfect. It really was.

"Me too," He said against my lips.

I held his hand walking out of the clearing. And he drove home. Apologizing for it being so late a thousand times. I was an hour past curfew, but whatever. He didn't even know my weekend curfew so it didn't matter. Whenever we reach a stoplight I leaned over and kissed him to shut him up. He didn't need to apologize for anything.

We had another date tomorrow too. He'd pick me up at six-thirty. We were going to IHOP. My choice. And he didn't seem to mind. We were both so happy for no real reason at all. Well I guess there was a big one to be happy about, but we pretended like that reason wasn't there at all.

He stopped in front of my house. He leaned in and kissed me shortly. "Goodnight," He said. His face a few inches from mine. I pressed my lips to his again.

"Night," I said softly. I moved my hand to the door. My fingers hanging off of the handle. He kissed me one more time. It lasted longer than the past few times. It speeded my heartbeat and made me smile when it ended. And I got out.

Walking up the walkway to my house. He didn't start driving away. I reached my front door when he started to pull away. I turned and watched him. I never usually did. In fact it was a guideline not to watch a boy drive away; it made you look clingy and strange. But I watched him. Knowing he probably didn't even notice. I smiled a little. My heart losing speed again.

First dates are few that end like this. With a perfect kiss and this weird happy feeling. Like anything could happen. I had hope. And I turned and slipped into my house. It was late. And I was out past curfew but it was a first date. And I couldn't stop smiling.

I was looking forward to tomorrow. When I'd go on another date with Paul Spinella. I was never this excited about fist dates. Maybe back then before Jayme. When I discovered first kisses instead of perfect ones. Tonight I proved to myself that I've come a far way. I was out of that dark hole I was once in. And I had just experienced my first perfect kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Rain, Rain!" I woke up. Caitlyn's small little girl hands shaking me awake. She gripped my arm as tight as she could. Shaking it back and forth. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was dressed for today and smiley. "Did you go on your date last night?" She asked.

I sighed stretching. And I sat up, moving my legs over the side of my bed. I yawned. Nodding. "Yes," I said smiling.

She smiled climbing up and sitting next to me. "Did you kiss him?" She asked poking my arm.

I laughed. "Yes I did."

She wrinkled her nose. I mimicked her. "Did he kiss you too?" She asked.

Again, I assume her images of me kissing boys is a peck on the lips like our parents every morning when Queenie is pregnant and making coffee or pancakes or whatever she feels like making in the mornings. But I don't like getting into the details with my little sister. She's six years old. Let her think movie kisses are real. But I smiled. I couldn't help it. "Yes," I said. My stomach filled with butterflies thinking about him.

"Is he your boyfriend?" She asked smiling too.

"No," I said. "Not yet." I got up looking at myself in the mirror my hair was a mess. I tugged a brush through it a couple times.

"Why?"

They always wonder why. Every little kid does. I shrug one shoulder pulling my hair back into a pony-tail. "We haven't decided if we want to be boyfriend and girlfriend or if we just want to go on a few more dates." I said.

"Oh," I try and let her understand. "Do you want him to be your boyfriend?"

I looked at her. "Can I tell you a secret?" I asked. She nodded excitedly. "Cross your heart hope to die." I said. She crossed her heart. "You won't tell anyone?" She nodded again. "Pinky swear?" You never go back on a pinky swear. We linked fingers.

"Yes," I said. "I do."

And she smiled all happy for me. "I like Paul more than Sean." She said.

"Me too." I said.

I looked at the clock sighing. "It's so early." I said.

"We were going to wake you up and go to church," She said. "But mommy told daddy that you got home very late. And you should sleep. But mommy's making breakfast."

"Did you eat yet?" I asked.

She shook her head. "They told me I can wake you up."

I smiled. "Come on," I said. She jumped off of my bed in her sundress. I followed her downstairs. We sat at the dinner table. Queenie giving the kids pancakes.

"Do you want some Rain?" Queenie asked.

I shook my head. I never eat plain pancakes. "No thanks," I said.

"Mommy, Rainie went on her date last night." Caitlyn said. She stabbed her fork into her pancakes. These kids love plain pancakes.

"I know." Queenie said looking at me from across the kitchen.

Caitlyn turned in her seat. In a sad attempt she whispered-sort-of: "She kissed Paul." She said.

I smiled. And shook my head. Jake looked at me. And then back at his plate. He reached out and took a sip from his cup. There is this boy in his playgroup that still needs straws and sippy-cups. Jake graduated that part of his childhood last year.

Anna was looking at me too. Her eyes taking in my probably disgusting hair and smile and piecing it together in a way that Caitlyn never would. I think she had the best idea out of everyone.

My dad though, just sat there reading the paper and drinking coffee peaking over the top of the newspaper and looking at me. He doesn't pay attention to my relationship status unless I have a defined boyfriend. Which Paul is not. We've gone through this routine many times before. With Kenny and any boy I've been on a date with here so far.

"Oh really?" Queenie asked. She looked at me. "What time did you get home last night?"

I paused looking down at the table. "One." I said. Queenie looked at me a little longer. "One thirty."

"You were out until two thirty?" My dad asked loudly putting his newspaper down. "What were you doing for six hours?"

"I was only a little late." I said.

"An hour Rain?" He asked suddenly.

Anna looked down at her plate. And Caitlyn did too. "I didn't do anything bad." I said. "It was just as first date. And I don't do anything I'm not supposed to. And if I did do anything last night I wouldn't be sitting here completely responsive like this."

"Not now, Craig." Queenie said. She looked at me though. Changing the subject. "Do you like Paul?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I said.

My dad snapped his paper. Reading again. Anna looked at me. Her eyes taking me in again. I didn't think I looked like shit or anything. Or like I had done anything remotely bad last night. I looked at the little TV set up in the corner for the news.

My spine stiffened. There was a car accident last night. They showed footage of the cars blazing with flames. My father looked up too. His eyes reading the headline. The room got quiet. My father and I staring.

This is when my mother's presence in the house is most visible. Caitlyn and Jake remained quiet and Queenie busied herself washing dishes. And Anna looked at the burning cars. The newscaster talking. Telling the details. Who. What. When. Where. How. "... Luckily both drivers are alive, only suffering minor burns and a few minor injuries..."

They were lucky.

Everyone seems to be lucky now.

* * *

It was in the afternoon. Queenie had convinced my father to un-ground me. This had only happened because he thought I was lying about getting home when I did. Queenie's looking out for me. She always will be. Jess-ee-cah came up to my room though, around four in the afternoon. "How was last night?" She sat on my bed again. Waiting. She's like another sister.

Her mother's always gone so she's comfortable in our house. Coming in and hanging out. She watches sports sometimes with my dad and Jake. It's because there used to be nothing on TV on Sundays and she got into football. But everyone likes her. Except for Jake. Who never really likes anyone he meets right off of the bat. Myself being the best example.

I smiled at her, shrugging a little. "I really like him." I said.

"Is he a good kisser?" She asked.

My eyes widened. "Yes," I said. "He's so good."

She grinned. "I heard some little things about him." She said. "Do you want to hear?" I nodded. "So he's had two serious girlfriends. And he used to hook up with a few girls last year- a lot, and-"

"Don't tell me gross stuff." I said. "I don't want to know what I'm not supposed to." I sat at the chair at my computer. Spinning around to face her. My legs against my chest and my arms wrapped around them. I don't need to know Paul's sexual history which I assume Jess-ee-cah would have dived into.

She stopped then. "Fine..." She said. "So the last girlfriend he had was named Marty." She ticked this girl off on her finger. "She was really gothic and emo and scary. And she was just plain creepy. I've met her. She went to my middle school but she transferred to a private school. And he broke up with her in the beginning of the winter..."

"Where did you hear all of this?" I asked suddenly curious.

"Thomas," She said. "Like I said we talked about you when we hung out and I asked him about Mr. Spinella. And he told me all of this."

I rolled my eyes. "Figures."

"Stop interrupting." She said smiling a little. "And then he had The Girlfriend." I looked up at her suddenly.

The Girlfriend. Most of the boys I've dated have had that. Their first love. Their first everything. The girl they never got over and would dump you in a heartbeat to have back

"Her name was Lauren." She said. "And they were a cute high school couple. You know the football player and the straight-A cheerleader. Except she moved and didn't want to go long distance. Paul- devastated!" She said using hand gestures. "Becomes emo Paul. Dropped sports and everything. And started getting around. Up until Marty."

I nodded, looking at my carpet. My shoes lying in random directions. Soaking up all of the new information.

"No girls since Marty though." She said. "You're the first one."

I smiled a little. "I really like him." I said.

She smiled. "I think he likes you a ton." She paused looking at me. "You look really happy Rain."

I nodded. "I am."

She smiled a little more slyly. "I told you that all you needed was a boy." She said.

I sighed chucking the closest shoe I could reach at her. She dodged it laughing. I smiled too. Looking at the clock. Two hours.

"I hooked up with this kid on the track team, last night." Jess-ee-cah said suddenly. "Those guys have great legs and stuff but he was awful."

I laughed. He wrinkled her nose again. "I got my emo guitarist." I said. "I'm happy."

She rolled her eyes. "I got my emo lead singer." She said grinning. "I bet Thomas is better at hooking up than Paul."

"No," I said jokingly. "Paul's probably in my top five."

We both stopped. Anna coming upstairs, her footsteps soft and audible. I looked at my door. A crack open. The last thing I wanted was for Anna to think I was a slut. "When are you going out with Paul again?" Jessicah asked.

"Couple hours." I said. "We're going to talk probably. Figure everything out."

Jessicah groaned. "I hate that, when guys pull the whole 'let's talk and figure some stuff out' and all of that shit. It's annoying."

I shrugged a shoulder. "I don't really care." I said. "It's better than friends-with-benefits."

"No strings," Jessicah said counting off on her fingers. "No commitments and hooking up whenever you want... friends-with-benfits is a flawless system."

I sighed. "I'm more into traditional dating than that."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever," She said. "You're still a slut to me..."

"Love you too Jess..."

* * *

**A/N:** **Started a blog actually.** _And it's my homepage..._ .com/ _so check it out. I updated it a lot and I'll be keeping you guys up to date on my writing and stuff. _


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

When I get into his car, I smile at him. He's on time. And he tried getting out of his car again but I ran out before he took a step onto the front lawn of my house. "Hi."

"Hey," He says. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I say. I kiss him quickly. As I pull away he leans forward kissing me again. My heart starts to speed. Electric shocks moving through my body. I start kissing him back but he pulls away. Teasing me.

I smile at him. And he smiles back pulling away form the curb. I listen to what's in his stereo. "Ugh!" I wrinkle my nose. I hit eject. "Paul, what did I tell you about metal?"

He rolled his eyes. "They're not even metal!" He says defensively. "You listen to pathetic cheesy acoustic crap. You don't even have any idea what metal is."

I roll my eyes sticking the CD he had in into the case sitting on the dashboard. He doesn't protest he watches me. I open his glove compartment. He had a few CDs in there. He mixes them up a lot. I start flipping through them. "Don't put on anything annoying." He says.

"It's your CDs," I said. "What's annoying out of them?"

"No, you'll put it on." He said. He was getting to know me well. I have to say.

I sighed. I found a Sunday Drive CD. One I had never seen before. I flipped it over. It had songs I had never heard before on it too. I took it out and put it on. He looked at the record in my hand. "Sunday Drive?" He asked.

"Yep." I said. And I nudged the volume up a little. And I sat there listening. I looked at him. He looked really honest. We came up to a stop sign though. And he looked back at me. He leaned in and kissed me. Teasing me again. He moved away after a few seconds. "Stop." I said. And I took his hand and pulled him back. He smiled and kissed me again.

My heart was still speeding from when I first got into the car.

* * *

We went into the IHOP. I'm usually really comfortable around boys I like. Paul wasn't any different. And he was comfortable around me too for the most part. He was a little on edge but once we started talking we never really stop. And then he's fine.

The IHOP on Route 27 wasn't that crowded. We sat at a window in a small booth and we were still talking. In fact we were close to fighting which relaxed him a little. He didn't understand why we were at a Pancake House on a Sunday Night. My response "Why Not?"

He wasn't bitching about an answer he was just looking for why I chose this place and not a more normal place. My response: "Why not?

And we started "debating" about it. Until finally he caved. He didn't say I won. He just sighed and sipped his coffee. Rainie: 1. Paul: 0.

I looked over across the restaurant. There was a table and I could have spotted him a million miles away. It was Bennett. I watched him. Listening to his friend Jonah talking. I had never known he had hung out here. But suddenly I had felt guilty.

Sean. I had forgotten about Sean completely. My promise to him to come back was broken. I was here at an IHOP on route 27 with Paul Spinella. It's been broken for two days now. And there was no hope in fixing it, but then again, I couldn't even find the desire to want to. Sean was a hook-up. A boy. He'll end up just another one. And here I was with Paul. I looked at him. He was looking out the window. He sipped his coffee.

He looked honest again. He odes more than most people. There was no regret I could muster for Sean's sake in my being. I smile a little sipping my almost cold coffee but it was warm once it hit my tongue. He put his mug down and looked at me steadily.

"I really like you Rainie." He said looking down fiddling with the handle of his coffee mug.

I put mine down too and looked at him. His eyes were down still and he came up with more things to say. Where we were going. I wondered in the back of my mind if Sean was over there with Bennett seeing this. A more official date with another guy right in front of him. It was awful but what was worth I could visibly see him as I left him behind me. Because whatever came out of Paul's mouth next was the basis to whatever we were going to plan to do with the relationship we had to one another.

"And I don't know you that well." He looked at me. "But I want to get to know you. I want to know you a little better before I jump into any kind of relationship right now."

I nodded. He had a point. "Yeah," I said. "I think so too."

He nodded a little. "I think maybe we should just date now, and you know, get to know each other..." He said.

I nodded. "Exclusively dating," I said, but he didn't seem to follow. "Dating set to certain rules."

He nodded. Absorbing this. He sipped his coffee. "What are the rules?"

I shrugged. "We make them up," I said smiling. He smiled too sipping his coffee again. "There's one main one: no cheating."

"Yeah," He said. "That's automatic. But the rest we make up?"

"Yes." I said.

We came up with rules. They weren't rules they were more warnings. There was a lot of little ones I made up to tease him. Like no metal music. He said no cheesy acoustic crap. But I fought him on that so he just le me win and that rule was abolished. Then again most of them in the beginning were serious. No leaving parties with one another when we didn't go together in the first place. No lying. No hook-ups at parties we went to with other people. No dating anyone else.

It got to the point where it was more of a relationship than dating of any form. But it was. Because we weren't chained together. And if you cancelled a couple dates and sent out the message no break-up was even needed. It was dating. And it was simpler.

When we finished we had pancakes. He was boring and got strawberries and whipped cream. And I got my chocolate chip. I told him how lame and old fashioned he was. But he let me steal half of his whipped cream. And didn't yell at me.

He wouldn't ever yell at me. We bickered though. About music. And then about other things. He was easy to tease. And I found a million things to pick at. I couldn't help myself. He'd fight for a little while back. Before finally he'd sigh.

I finished picking on him though, and I looked at him. "You played sports right?" I poked my fork at him.

"Yeah," He said. He seemed sort of thrown off by my question. "Why?"

I shrugged. "You look like you play sports." I said.

"I used to." He said. "But my dad gave me so much shit about it I quit last year in the middle of the seasons. I played football mainly. But I also ran track."

I raised my eyebrows. "Really?" I said.

He nodded. "I still run and lift weights-" That explained the arms. His perfectly muscular arm. They weren't a freaky type strong looking but you could tell he wasn't a couch potato and didn't waste his life away doing nothing athletic. "-I quit smoking because I could barely run anymore."

"I thought you were in the process of quitting." I said.

He shook his head. "I'm stopping for good now."

I put my hand out for a high five. He gave me one that lacked majorly in the enthusiasm department. But I accepted it. Cutting into another pancake. IHOP has the best chocolate chip pancakes known to man. They are amazing. "That's good." I said smiling at him. "Now you will live longer and won't die of cancer."

He didn't say anything but he made a face chewing. I laughed, and put my fork into my mouth.

I was really happy all of a sudden. I wanted Paul to be my boyfriend. I wanted to date him because even though we fought and bickered a lot I loved it. I would never rather forbid metal music from anyone but Paul for now. But other than that I had a feeling forever wasn't written in the sky for us.

He was a boy. A date. An almost certain boyfriend. We wouldn't get married. Or grow old together. In fact high school couples like that don't exist. At least not in Kerrington.

There was one couple in my last town. I didn't know their names, I forgot them. But they were in love. It was nauseating. They were attached at the hips and lived off of each other like a person would in a coma on life support. They were always kissing- not in a sloppy way in a cutesy way- and they were going into their third year of dating. Broken up a billion times. Always going back to each other.

I got a text message in the middle of my second pancake out of three. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I checked it. '1 New Message' and I opened it stealthily. Paul noticed. He didn't say anything.

First date? It was from Bennett.

I texted him back saying it was our second. Sneaking a look over there as Paul looked down at the table. He was smiling goofily at me. He sent a thumbs up in my direction.

I looked back at Paul. And smiled at him. And yet again cut into my pancakes. They were so good. Best pancakes I've ever had.

* * *

We ended up just drinking coffee. And talking. The next day we had off so the teacher's could have meetings and what not. But even though people came in and out. The waitresses started pacing.

We were on our fourth talk. Our waitress was an older woman. She was nice. She gave us coffee. And the other waitresses would walk by looking distraught and desperate. Rushing out plates off food and out of air. Glaring at us as we sat comfortably soaking up the happiness we were feeling on our second date.

Paul got annoyed though at these people trying to get us out in the most polite way. I liked our waitress though. When she came she didn't push us out. She smiled and gave us refills and I thanked her smiling while Paul shot a look at the young college-aged waitress who walked by huffing and puffing and lugging out syrup covered plates and napkin packed mugs drained of coffee.

I would distract him though and talk to him. Ask him questions. He aimed a few mean comments at my Conor Oberst which I defended gloriously. And then I bashed and smashed his Pumpkins.

"You can't even hate them now," He said to me, smiling a little. He sipped his coffee. "You said you liked them yesterday."

"Then when I find you a Bright Eyes song," I said pointing at him. "No more verbally abusing them."

He shrugged a shoulder. "Sure," He said. "Won't happen though." He smiled sipping his coffee again.

I smiled and rolled my eyes.

Bennett and his friends weren't loud or annoying. But sometimes I'd see Bennett looking over at me. Making faces to distract me. I ignored him and listened or kept talking to Paul. But finally they were asked to leave. And then suddenly another waitress walked by, and Paul finally was done.

Snapped. "That's it." He said. "I can't handle this anymore."

And we were out. I laughed as we walked out of the restaurant. I could almost hear the many waitresses cheering loudly at our departure. But in the parking lot we walked by our waitress. The nice one. "Have a good night," She said to us.

"You too," I smiled at her. She was nice. And she had that look on her face like she could tell it was one of our first dates. Looking at us and thinking about how she used to be in our shoes. Young and happy and on first dates.

As we walked I slipped my hand into his and he wove his fingers into mine. I kissed his cheek. "I had a good time." I said. "And I will find you a Bright Eyes song."

"No you won't." He said.

I smiled. And swung our hands. We walked over to his big black car. I got inside. "I don't want to go home." I said. "What time is it?" He started his car.

It was still early. "Do you want to go somewhere else?" He asked.

I looked at him. "The question is where could we go?" I said.

He started driving. "Do you want to go to that place we went to last night?" He asked. He was cool about it all. "Sure," I said.

* * *

I was sitting across from him. We were a foot away this time. Both sitting Indian style and we were just talking still. We never had awkward pauses. We always had too much to say to let them happen. We'd have one person say something and then when they finished the other would start. And we'd "debate" little topics and things.

I teased him about his job. I squeezed in a dozen Gap references in five minutes. He'd just sigh. And pretend I never said anything.

But I liked him so much. He was actually really cute. People like Bennett and Sean are the type of good-looking that you notice right away. With Paul you need to look a little harder to see it. When I'm talking he listens. And when he talks I listen to everything he says. Somehow we just fit.

There was something in me that had my hopes so high right now. I was looking forward to when we may or may not be official and when he kissed me my heart started speeding. And whenever we touched I felt a shock of this weird different feeling.

When we finally left it was midnight. In his car I slipped my hand into his and he wove his fingers through them. And we sat there in the car. The radio playing commercials. And I'd squeeze his hand. Smiling. My hand fit into his. And his skin was so soft. But that was just on this hand.

On the other it's rough. Callused. I had held it asking him why. "From playing guitar." He said. And when his fingertips brushed my face I could feel the difference. One rough. The other soft. Not left or right. Those were two extremes that didn't register in this situation.

When we said goodbye, he kissed me softly goodnight. I closed my eyes and moved my hands around his neck. My eyes closed. I kissed him longer than last night. Finding it hard to force myself out of the front seat of his car.

I was in sort of a daze. My head spins and my heart speeding. I was happy. A new feeling of positivism and optimism that didn't fade for a few moments. And when it did I came back to reality finding myself on my front porch watching him drive away.

That was always a weird part of this. I had watched him drive away the past two nights. But I accepted it and went inside. Finding a smile engraved into my face. Only to fade while I dreamed.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I was lying in bed asleep. I heard my door creak open and soft footsteps slipped in and made their way over to me. I opened my eyes a little. Caitlyn was standing on the side of my bed. I scooted over and held the covers up for her to climb under. She climbed up and lay on her back next to me.

My eyes closed. I was so tired. Telling Jess-ee-cah everything that had happened last night over text message and texting Paul too. I was exhausted. Knowing it was well before I was to normally wake up.

She poked my face lightly. "Rain," She whispers. "Is Paul your boyfriend now?"

I open my eyes again. "No," I say, my voice rough and tired. "Not yet."

She pouts a little. Someone has finally given an appropriate response. Jess-ee-cah not saying what I wanted to hear. In fact she asked me something that started bothering me last night. Why not Sean? She said she liked Paul and everything, but why didn't I go to Sean?

There was no answer I could explain in less than forty letters. There was no answer short enough to give properly to anyone. Not even Paul. Or Sean or anyone. I always just knew. That was enough.

I smiled at Caitlyn. "But he will be," I said. "I'm positive."

She sighed. "Why not now?" She asks. She's young. She doesn't understand relationships. But I open my eyes wider and wake up more.

"We don't know each other that well," I said. "We need to be better friends."

She nodded. She smiled. "I want a boyfriend."

I wrinkled my nose. "Boys are gross."

She giggled. "You are going to have a boyfriend." She pointed at me.

I smiled. "I'm older, I'm allowed to." I said. I sat up a little leaning onto my elbow. "You're still a kid."

"That means your old!" She said giggling.

I dove in tickling her. She erupted into the little-girl-giggles that I'm going to miss when they are gone. They're so cute. I hope if I have a daughter she has a giggle like this. She screeches and giggles. Erupting and exploding she laughs until she digs her soft hands into my wrists. Holding them.

I smile and pull away getting out of bed. "Ah, Cait." I sighed looking at my clock. "It's seven in the morning."

She giggles again and hurries out of my room. I check my phone. There's a goodnight message waiting for me- and has been for six hours- from Paul. I smile opening it and reading it. I stretch. My back stiff and tired.

There's no sense in sleeping now.

I go downstairs. Queenie is cleaning up plates. Her stomach getting bigger. She's pregnant. And you can tell. She doesn't look like she's just gaining weight rapidly anymore. Jake is sitting in his seat drinking milk and Caitlyn is in the living room watching Television.

"Hi," I say. I sit in my seat at the table.

Queenie turns around. "You were home early last night." She says to me.

"I know," I smiled. "I was."

She looks at me steadily. "Your father was this close to keeping you in all week." She said. "Don't stay out too late. Be careful." I notice her hand on her stomach. Any other girl would be moaning. Not another sex talk. But I see where Queenie's coming from. Jesse, even though he's making a better life and everything in the Ivy League, was a seventeen year old mistake.

I nod. "I will be."

She turns back to the dishes. Jake is looking at me from across the table. I smile at him. "Are you excited to no have daycare today?" I asked. He sips his milk remaining silent. But I smile and sit back taking out my phone. Rereading the last text Paul sent me. I felt strangely happy today.

I took the kids to the playground today. I sat on the park bench and watched Jake play in the sandbox while Caitlyn ran around calling to me to watcher standing on top of the jungle gym or jumping off of the swings.

But I kept sitting there for Jake's sake. Because he doesn't normally like playing the sandbox if I'm off with Caitlyn. He stays within ten feet of me at all times. And looks to check if I'm there still a lot. I'll never leave him or get annoyed.

He's the little brother I always wanted.

When I was little I had my mother. I always wanted other siblings but somehow I never got them. I always dreamed of having little sisters to play dress-up and "House" with. Then again I also wanted a little brother to ride roller coasters with at amusement parks and Ferris Wheels and fun exciting things. But I stayed an only child. My mother being the older sister I always wanted to. And the mother I could never forget.

"Rain!" I looked over at Caitlyn. In top of a big slide. "Watch me, Rain!"

She slides down. We go to this old playground. Both of their favorite. It's old and everything is a gray stained wood with red metal or plastic equipment. The sand box is huge and full of broken toys mothers leave for kids to play with when they come here when they owner's of them are too old to.

And everything is quiet. Every once in a while there will be one or two little kids running around here too. But usually it's just me and them.

And just that. Queenie brings them to the nice new playground downtown neat Kerrington High, but they love it here. And the swings go higher and the jungle gym is taller. There are toys in the sand box and there aren't other kids to intimidate Jake. And no matter what I can always hear Caitlyn call to me.

It's nice. And even though I'm texting Paul, I can still feel the fine line in between this half of my life and the other half.

And somehow everything seems to be falling into place. In a few months I'll have the closest to a blood related sibling I'll ever get and to finally feel like there is something more connecting me to this family.

* * *

The next day I park in my normal parking space. Number 323. Right near the tennis courts and not far away from the front door. You pay about a hundred bucks a year to have a parking space. The kids who ride the bus pay two hundred. So it isn't that bad a deal. Except the whole gas situation.

But I walked up to the school tucking my keys into my backpack. I am one of the few girls who use a backpack. Everyone uses off the shoulder bags, but when I saw my backpack it was too cute. It had pins all over it. It was in a thrift store and I was there with Jess-ee-cah shopping for her Halloween costume. She was going to a party. I was staying home and taking the little kids trick-or-treating. Which was fun. I liked that better than getting wasted at a party in all this Halloween crap.

Something about it made me love this backpack. I slung it over one shoulder. It's small and carried just enough opening my phone again. Another message from Paul. My goal today is to find his locker.

Everyone had the "Mondays." The most incurable disease known to teacher and academics alike. Everyone's a zombie. They walk deprived of sleep and everything vital. They just slouch and walk. It's funny sort of. But I kept my head held high. Walking texting the boy I'm non-exclusively dating.

Coolen's much bigger than Kerrington. But on my walk to the junior hallway I saw him. He was walking slouching like the rest of the crowd. I felt a rush inside of me. I was happy to see him. I loved talking to him. And being with him was also great. I smiled and moved up behind him. Ready to cover his eyes. He turned suddenly. As if sensing me. "What are you doing?" He asked.

I smiled. "Nothing." I moved up walking next to him. "Hi," I said smiling at him. "What's new?"

He smiled a little too. He looked so tired. But everyone did. "It feels like Monday." He said.

"I know," I said. "Looks like somebody's got the case of the Mondays."

He looked at me for a few seconds. Slowing down. Before sighing and shaking his head a little looking around the hallway. I smiled kissing his cheek. He rolled his eyes smiling.

"Displays of Public Affection aren't against the rules right?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

"No," He said. "I don't think so."

"Just checking." I said. I stopped where I needed too. I pointed behind me. "I'm this way, but what lunch do you have today?"

"Second," He said pausing to think about it.

My smile widened. "Me too," I said. "We can sit together!" I tried to act overly excited.

He smiled a little shaking his head again. He leaned in and kissed me. I'm happy he isn't awkward about things like this. We weren't pulling the sloppy couple move. It was a short kiss. He didn't notice the few people staring. I'm not sure why they were but for some reason they did.

I smiled at him. "I'll try and find you," I said. "But walk down this hall before you go to lunch."

"Okay," He said. "See you."

I smiled kissing him again. He kissed me back. "Bye," I started walking waving over my shoulder as I walked through the stream of students to my locker. I see Jess-ee-cah stopping and leaning against hers waiting for me. She's downing coffee and looking as dead as everyone else today.

"I'd like to inform you that Shelly Harris just asked me if you were dating a Mr. Paul Spinella." She said sipping her coffee. "Don't know where she heard that from."

I smiled. "I just ran into him in the halls." I said doing my combination. "What did you tell her?"

"Said you were dating." She said casually. "But I have to say her reaction- which was wrinkling her nose and saying you could do better- wasn't the best start for today. Especially for you and Mr. Spinella."

I laughed. "Oh man," I said. "What will I do? Shelly Harris doesn't approve of me dating a boy I actually like?"

She laughed too. "I wonder how many times people are going to ask me about you and Paul now." She said sipping her coffee again. "Shelly's going to tell everyone and make it sound like you're in love with the kid."

I rolled my eyes. "Who believes Shelly anyway?"

She paused, thinking about this. "You're right." She said.

I shut my locker with my books all switched out of my bag and I slung it over one shoulder. "Come on," I said starting to walk to advisory.

She came up behind me hitting me sharply in the butt. "Does this whole dating situation mean you're not single anymore?"

I shoved her slightly. "Yeah," I smiled. "I'm exclusively dating someone."

She sighed. "I'm hanging out with the baseball team tomorrow afternoon, can you come?" She asked. "I mean I'm not going to sell you off to the other guys on the team, but I'm going to be the only non-peppy-cheerleader there. I need my emo best friend to be there with me."

"I'm not emo." I said defensively.

"Fine," She said. "I need someone normal there with me. Please, Please, Please!" She begged. "I'd do anything for you."

I laughed at her. "Fine, I'll go." I said.

"Yes!" She said happily. And we walked to advisory.

I like school. It's not fun and wild and crazy exciting. It's alright. I like talking to the kids in my classes and I like a majority of my classes and I like that Jess is in most of them. Except math. I'm awful at math. I got to division and sort of lost it in elementary school. I have the mathematic ability of a fourth grader. Jess-ee-cah is amazing with numbers. Like I said she's always smart. Sometimes I think she likes numbers more than boys.

But today I had something to sort of look forward to. Jess-ee-cah kept count of all the "are Rainie and Paul Spinella dating?" questions. We were up to fourteen by third period. But I had lunch. A period Jess anticipated to put the count well over thirty. I went to my locker and opened it taking out a water bottle and started walking away from it. Figuring I could just meet Paul in the cafeteria if I could find him.

I saw him walking in front of me. Probably not even seeing me. "Paul!" I called. This caught people's attention and not even his. Everyone around me looked at me. I hurried up to him looping my arm into his. "Hi!"

He looked at my smiling. "Hey," He slipped his arm out from mine.

I laughed a little. "Did you miss me?" I asked.

He looked at me. Sighing and shaking his head smiling. He kissed my temple not answering.

By the end of lunch thirty-seven people asked Jessicah if we were dating.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

It was after-school the next day when I heard what people were thinking through a first hand experience. Shelly Harris ambushed me and besides listening to the many theories people had of why I was dating Paul Spinella. Jess-ee-cah had told me some of them. They involved things like tequila and Bennett Williams telling me to stay out of his life.

Both of which were far from the truth.

I was just walking down the hallway. Meeting Jessicah to meet the baseball team under the bleachers which Paul hadn't asked anything about which meant I wasn't lying. But I felt guilty about it. I heard my name called. Her annoying high sing-song voice calling me like it was her show-tune debut in the Coolen hallway. I winced.

"Hi," I said turning and seeing her.

"So I heard you and Bennett broke up." She said. "I'm sorry."

I smiled shaking my head. "We never dated." I said. "Those were all rumors." The rumors that go around about Bennett and I are so random. Things like seeing us canoodling at parties and getting drunk together which happens when we're in different rooms. Things I don't even want to hear anymore.

She nods. "I also heard you and Paul Spinella are dating now."

I nodded. "We are." A few people who are friends with Paul have asked us. It was subtle and calm. Girls like Shelly go right to Jessicah or something. Paul's not so open and in your face about it. I'm glad he isn't awkward about it or cocky. I don't like feeling like a trophy around guys. Paul just said "Yes, we are." Which is the same thing I did to the rare person asking me if I was in fact dating the jock-like emo kid who's in a band.

Shelly did this sigh. I could hear it over the bustle of the hallway. "You could do so much better, Rainie." She said touching my arm. "I'm not sure how many people have been saying this, but you deserve more than him."

That really pisses me off. It happened to me with Kenny. Although I did deserve better then. Now it was just bitchy to say that to me. So I just made a face at her and rolled my eyes. "Thanks Shelly." And I started walking away.

I almost went right to my car and drove home. But Jessicah was waiting for me in case I backed out. "Rain!" She called.

I've hung out with the various sports teams with Jess-ee-cah under the bleachers. There are times when it's been the two of us with about seven other guys. And sometimes there are more girls than guys. But they are all usually the same. We walked under.

The pitcher- Spencer jumps off of a support beam he was sitting on. "Hey," He said to Jessicah. There were a few girls around. Dyed hair and big boobs. Jessicah smiled and said hello to Spencer.

There were about five guys. Three were talking to the other girls. There was one who had been talking to Spencer. "This is Rainie." Jess-ee-cah finally introduces me. I lift my hand in a wave.

"Hey."

"I'm Patrick." The kid who had been talking to Spencer said.

"Hi," I said smiling at him. A few of them had been looking over.

A girl came over towards us. "Aren't you dating that emo kid...?" She snapped her fingers searching for his name in her mind. She looked sort of dumb. In the nicest way possible.

I smiled politely. "Paul Spinella." I said.

"That's it!" She said pointing at me. She turned to another girl. "See I told you."

The awkwardness level went up. I kept smiling though. "Yeah, I am." I said.

Patrick looked at me. "Really?" He said his eyes widened. "Dude, that kid was so good on offense. I used to play football with him."

I smiled. Jessicah walking over to the kid Spencer and starting conversation. "When did you play with him?" I asked. I was always curious about the whole sports thing. He didn't tell me much about it. He held back when it came to that. I never teased him about it. But he must think I might if he told me too much.

"Up until last year," He said. "He quit the middle of the season. His dad was such a dick about sports though; nobody was surprised when he stopped showing up and got into all that emo crap."

I laughed a little. "Yeah," I said. "I didn't know why he quit. It was because of his dad?" I also heard nothing of his parents. He didn't like them. I knew that. And the only reason he worked was so he could have as little to do with them as possible.

Patrick nodded. "He was one of those obnoxious ones," Patrick said. "Screamed at him all game and after."

I couldn't picture that happening. I could barely see Paul in a football uniform. I kept talking to Patrick about Paul. He asked me to ask Paul if he remembered him. They used to be friends in middle school. Patrick had a girlfriend too, which made me feel better about this.

The rules we came up with were ones I wasn't planning on breaking. I liked Paul. And here talking to Patrick who was taken also made this seem less like lying. I made up my mind to tell Paul if he asked me about this afternoon. My cell phone was in my car so I didn't even know if he was trying to text me or call me.

While Jessicah flirted Spencer I talked to Patrick. We talked about Paul for the most part. But he was hilarious. I thought some of the things he said were hysterical. But I never thought about it in any other way.

I was thankful Patrick wasn't the horny type of boy I usually get stuck with when we hang out under the bleachers. We don't do this often but the past times I've always been stuck with a guy who doesn't care whether or not I'm seeing someone. They just care that I'm female.

* * *

I left before Jess. Going out to my car and finding '1 New Message' from Paul on my phone. He just asked me what I was doing. I he might be working. But I wasn't sure. I called him. Counting the rings as I started my car and started leaving the parking lot.

"Hello?" We've talked on the phone once before. He had called me yesterday to see what I was doing. We hung out. I loved how his voice sounded on the phone.

"Hi," I said smiling. "What's new?"

"Nothing," He said. "I'm at work." He didn't sound like he was folding sweaters.

"Oh, sorry," I said quickly. I checked to see if any cars were coming. "Do you want me to call you back later?"

"No," He said. "Please. I hate this job."

I laughed. "You're being negative. What will Steve say?" I've learned that his manager- Steve, is not only extremely hardcore about his job but he pushes Paul more than anything. And even though he wins employee of the month at the Gap every month he said that Paul has "potential."

One of the reasons why Paul is hoping for another job to come along so he can quit. He sighed. "What were you doing today?" He asked casually.

I took in a breathe. I didn't know how this was going to go over. "I promised Jess to meet her and some kids under the bleachers to hang out." I paused for a quick second hearing no reply. He would have cut in if he was mad. I knew that by now. "I met this kid who used to play football with you. Patrick something."

"Oh, cool." He said quickly. "Yeah, I used to hang out with that kid."

His voice sounded different. A little squeakier. If you could put it that way. I'm not sure if his voice could get squeakier. "Are you mad?" I asked stopping at a Stop sign.

"No," He said. His voice didn't crack this time. "That's fine."

I paused. "When are you getting off of work?" I asked. I took a left. I felt awful right them. Ready to shoot myself in the foot. I didn't do anything wrong, but it felt like I did.

"Half hour," He said.

"We could hang out," I said.

"Yeah, yeah." He said. "If you're heading to your house I could pick you up when I get out."

"Perfect," I said.

* * *

We went to our place. I really liked there. Even in the daylight. It wasn't some shitty place to go and get a quick hookup and leave. It was nice. You couldn't see it from the road but you could see his car. And it was quiet.

I sat across from him really close. "I'm sorry about this afternoon." I said softly before he could say anything.

"You don't need to apologize." He said. I looked at him. And he kissed me really softly. It was the different kind of kiss than I was used to one. It was really soft. And it made my heart start pounding really hard so it echoed in my ears.

I tried my best to kiss him back the same way but I felt like I was lagging behind a little. I never feel that way.

He took my hand and wove his fingers into it. It was the rough hand. The one with the callused fingertips. I was used to the other hand holding mine. The soft one. This was sort of new. But I liked the feeling of his palm against mine.

Even though the differences were painted clear in front of up half of the time, it was good to see that we fit in a more visible way than the way I could never describe or make sure it was real.

I kissed him again. And smiled. "You look awkward in a polo," I said smiling. Before he could react I popped half of his collar up.

His hand took my other. "Stop," He said. "Don't give me a hard time about my job."

"I think your job is very noble," I said. He leaned in and kissed me a little more naturally and normally. And pulled me down onto the ground with him. It was all he could do to fight me. Get me to stop talking. Rainie: 8. Paul: 0.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

I was driving Anna home from CCD. I had to stop for gas, and even though Anna was given the option of coming into the Quick-E Mart with me, she chose not to. She fiddled with the radio and sat silently while I pumped gas into my car and saw an old tan car pull into the parking lot.

Bennett had been saving up for a car since he got his license. Playing parties and working two jobs to get enough money to buy the shittiest car he could find for the money he had. That's when he found that one. Except it wasn't shitty. It was just cheap. A widow trying to get a car sitting in the garage off of her hands. And Bennett had the highest bid for it.

He got out and waved to me. "Hey," He said. I was walking up to pay. I could feel Anna's eyes penetrating the window of my car watching me.

"Hi," I said. "What's new?"

We walked up to the Quick-E Mart together. "Nothing," He said. He nudged me. "But I don't need to ask you what's up. I've heard enough about you for a week."

I rolled my eyes smiling. "I don't need to hear it."

"I'm sorry I had to dump you because I'm gay." He said sighing, goofily. "I sort of saw it coming, but you dating Paul to make me jealous isn't working."

"I'm dating Paul to make you jealous?" I asked making a face.

I grabbed a bag of ninety-nine cent gummy worms I saw. Paul was picking me up in a half hour. "Yeah," Bennett said. "I didn't know you were that desperate."

I laughed. I went up to the counter.

"So what's the story about this Paul Spinella." He said getting serious. "I thought you were into Sean."

I paid for my gas and my gummy worms. "The night before Sean and I..." My voice trailed off a little. I didn't think I'd have to explain this to Bennett so soon. "I met Paul, and you know, we kept running into each other and-"

Bennett nodded. I stepped out of the way so he could buy whatever he was going to. He bought cigarettes. I was a little shocked. "He asked you out Friday night I assumed when you told Sean you'd be right back. Or before then?"

"Here actually." I said. "Yeah, it was when I picked my sister up and was driving back."

Bennett nodded taking his cigarettes and his change. He eyes it carefully. And then we walked out. "Sean was really into you Rainie," He said. "I have to tell him."

I nodded, clenching and unclenching my teeth. I couldn't muster any pity inside of me to stand a chance against the happiness I had been experiencing all week. One week ago in a few hours Paul asked me out.

"But you look happy when you're with him." Bennett said smiling.

I smiled. "I am," I said.

"Well," Bennett said slipping his cigarettes into his back pocket. "Enjoy your gummy worms and Paul. I'm not that jealous, but just try to stop parading him in front of me. I am a tiny bit envious of him." He added a little sarcasm.

I laughed. "That's what you get for dumping me."

He sighed sarcastically. "Fuck my life." He said. "Well see you later. Hope you and Paul break up soon." He saluted me.

"I hope you don't die of cancer someday." I said smiling at him.

He laughed and turned walking away. I walked back to Anna waiting in the car watching Bennett. "Who's that?" She asked.

"Bennett," I said.

"He broke up with you?" She asked.

I laughed shaking my head. "No, that was just a rumor. I never dated him." I said. I started pulling out of the parking lot. Bennett beeping behind me.

"Is he friends with Paul?" Anna asked turning on a Country station. She wrinkled her nose and changed it back to the Top 40.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "I don't think they've ever met actually." She nodded. "Why?"

She shrugged. "You seemed like you two were flirting." She said.

I smiled shaking my head. I didn't respond to that.

* * *

I got into his car. "Hi," I said.

"What are those?" He asked looking at me hand. I kissed him.

"Gummy worms." I said. I took one out and ate it. I was only halfway done with them. "Do you want one?"

"No," He said. "Are they those nasty ones from the Quick-E Mart?"

"Yep!" I said happily. Swallowing. "They're fresh today. I could resist." I popped another in my mouth and he started driving.

"You're going to get food poisoning from those." He mumbled.

I laughed. I listened to what song he had playing. I took out another gummy worm. The bag rustling loudly. He looked over at me again. I went on listening and eating. I purposely got louder until he snapped.

"Fine." He said. He pulled over and hit eject. He took out the CD and put it in its case waving it in front of me. He put it in the glove compartment and took out Sunday Drive and put it in. "Happy?"

I smiled. Kissing him again. I closed my eyes and he kissed me back. As a joke I reached back into the bag of gummy worms in my hand, the cheap plastic bursting making noise.

He pulled back and breathed heavily. Giving me a look. I tried not to laugh. But it was hard. I bit my lips trying not to but a few laughs escaped. He sighed. Rainie: 10. Paul: 0.

He pulled into the IHOP on Route 27. Sighing heavily he got out. I left the gummy worms in his car. He gave me a look. But he can never stay mad at me or annoyed with me long. When we were walking up his hand lid around my waist and he kissed my forehead.

I smiled and stopped turning so I could kiss him. Pressing my lips to his. And we walked up. He didn't say anything about how sick he was of this place already. He was quiet and we were fine until we started fighting about Bright Eyes again.

"What else do you hate that I listen to?" I said.

"I don't know," He said. "A good amount."

"The Starting Line?" I asked.

He wrinkled his nose. I lifted a finger up on my hand to count. I didn't think it was possible to not like The Starting Line. "Sunny Day Real Estate?"

He paused. "I like them."

"Really?" I smiled. "Sweet. What about Death Cab For Cutie? You hate them right?"

He shook his head. "I love Transatlanticism."

My jaw dropped open. "Really?" I said leaning forward. "You're joking."

He looked at me. "Why would I be joking?" He asked. Not seeing what had me completely shocked and amazed. I would have bet my life that he hated Death Cab For Cutie.

I smiled. "That's it, we're soul mates." I said happily. I sipped the coffee in front of me. He smiled shaking his head. "Transatlanticism is one of my favorite records ever. It's so good."

"It is," He said.

I paused looking at him. "You know what I just thought of," I leaned forward again. "We should have a song. We could be a completely cheesy exclusively dating couple." I said this sarcastically.

He smiled going along with it. "What song?" He knew it was better to go along with it now. When I was just suggesting it now.

"Whatever plays next," I said pointing to the ceilings. They have speakers playing really random bad music. He groaned. "Will be our song, okay?" I stuck my hand out for him to shake it.

He shook it with his soft hand. And we sat quietly. Anticipating our future song.

I smiled at him. "I've never had a song before with someone." I said. "Have you?"

He nodded. "I think so," He sipped his coffee. "It was some creepy gothic song between me and my last ex. She was weird..." He said laughing at my face of distress when he said 'gothic.' "And I had one with this girl a few years ago. It was this really cheesy one she picked out too."

"So at least I'm original." I said grinning. "This is completely spontaneous and random."

He raised his eyebrows up and down the song fading. I grabbed his hand. His rougher one. "Ready?" I asked. I expected something either really funny or completely awful. But we both listened.

These chords came on. I knew them for some reason. My eyebrows went down. It wasn't either of the songs I expected. I looked at him. And he knew the song. I could tell. He was listening his face lit up when the singer started singing. "What is this?" I asked. "I know this from somewhere."

The weird thing was I knew all the words. I know all the melodies and the voice. He looked at me. "You don't know this?" He asked squeezing my hand smiling. I liked holding his hand. Even when it wasn't intentional like this. "It's Oasis." I must have still looked lost.

"'Wonderwall.'"


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

I was at a party with Jess-ee-cah the next day. She and Thomas are still doing the whole friends-with-benefits thing. And I didn't know it but, when I went to a party with Jess it was like I was single too.

She yanked me around with her. I got caught up with single-friend after single-friend. And even though I was serious about the whole dating someone thing, about nine out of them would still hit on me.

They were all weird too. On about the fifth I looked over and saw Paul. He was with a group of his friends. I would have been happy to see him. Would have gone up and said hello and surprised him. Had he not been looking at me.

Something told me he had known I was there much longer that I knew he was. I waved smiling a little. He waved back. Not smiling. Looking at me kind of weird. Off. And then he looked at the kid quickly; not for me to notice.

The conversations were all the same.

"Hi I'm Bob." They would all say inserting different generic names.

I'd force a smile. "I'm Rainie."

"That's a different name." He would say. "I've never met anyone named Rainie. Then again I've never seen anyone like you."

I'd nod.

"Are you single?"

"No, I'm dating someone."

"Cool, I like a challenge."

They were usually drunk. Touching me whenever they could. When I was looking around to find Paul they'd touch my arm and lean in to say something to me over the music. They'd tap my shoulder. I drank a little. Always finding Paul. I'd smile at him weakly.

He'd smile back the same. I don't think he was jealous; he's not the jealous type. I think he was just uncomfortable. Especially around Martin. He was tall and hot. Extremely drunk and all over me. Not even asking me if I was single. He had a lip ring. Piercings are nasty. I think. Jess-ee-cah loves them.

I don't think Jessicah understood. She would ask me if she could hook up with the single friends I was assigned to when her guy didn't work out. And I'd tell her to go ahead. I just looked for my chance to go up to Paul.

When finally Jess-ee-cah was busy with Martin I found him. I went up to him. And he stopped waiting for me. I kissed him. We aren't a sloppy couple. We aren't ever shoving our tongues into each other's throats in public. I can kiss him in public. We don't make out in the halls. We're still testing each other's boundaries.

A quick kiss is okay. At least I think so. He does too. So nothing's wrong. We just can't leave parties like this together.

"Hi," I said smiling at him.

"Hey," He said. "What's up?"

I sigh. "I'm sorry about everything." I said. I was a little drunk. I didn't know what to say about this. "Jessicah doesn't understand anything and she keeps doing it over and over again."

He understood. "It's okay." His voice the same as it was Wednesday. "Whatever."

I looked at him. "How was practice?" I asked. We were supposed to come here tonight together. But he had band practice suddenly and cancelled.

"Thomas and I started fighting and it ended early." He said acting more normal. He looked around. "Same as every practice."

I smiled. "Make sure I go to one of these practices sometime." I said.

He shook his head. "No," He said. "They are a waste of time."

I laughed. "Come on. I have to see your band play live too. When's your next show?" I asked.

"Friday," He said. "You don't need to go though."

"I want to." I smiled. "You promised you'd tell me when your band played and so far I haven't seen you once. Come on."

He smiled a little looking at me. "Paul!" It was Jack. "Dude come 'ere that kid's here after all."

Paul looked at me. "I have to go." He said. "But I'll see you around, okay?"

"Okay," I said. And he kissed me. I closed my eyes kissing him a little longer. He pulled away. "Bye," I smiled a little.

"Bye," He said smiling a little and he walked away. I watched him walking.

"Rainie!" I turned seeing Jessicah. Her hair a mess and a little drunk. "Come here I need you to meet someone!"

And so the night continued same as before.

* * *

Two weeks went by quickly after that. Things changed a little, not much. Jess-ee-cah slept with Thomas three times and started dating that kid Martin. She also started ignoring his calls. She said he talked too much and he had bad breather.

My house has been the same. I don't tell my dad or Queenie much about my love life. If you can call it that. I just say I'm going to hang out with Paul. They never seem to mind. My dad always reminds me I have a curfew and even though I never tell Paul I have one he's caught onto it by now.

Paul has green eyes. They don't make a big deal out of themselves and they are a little pale and dull. I like them though. They're different. He doesn't smoke anymore and after two weeks he stopped smelling like cologne mixed with cigarettes he just smelled like him. He calls his band "the band" and never claims it as "his band." He thinks that's too cocky. I still haven't seen them live, though, his band I mean. He buys CDs even though he has an iPod. He buys vinyl too sometimes. He's allergic to peanut butter, but only if he eats it, which works because I don't like peanut butter at all. He's scared of clowns and being alone when he doesn't choose to be. He hates a lot of music, most of which I love. And he has the Oasis record "Wonderwall" is on.

Everything with Paul is perfect. Neither of us has broken a rule. We've never left parties with each other. We never lie. No metal. And although we bicker to the point where we are this close to hating each other we always make up without saying sorry once.

He acts different around me when we're alone. He says cheesy things and pulls cheesy moves. I like that. In front of everyone else we're just a normal dating couple.

He kissed me. I smiled pulling away. "You're so cheesy." I said. I kissed him again. "You're the cheesiest guy I've ever exclusively dated."

That led to him pulling away too. "How am I cheesy?" He asked. I don't think he liked being called cheesy.

"You just are," I said. "I don't know how to explain it." I didn't want to either because I loved the moves he pulled. He always wove his fingers into mine when we walked and he always kissed me at the appropriate times. He always said sweet things and he always did the right thing. He made my heart pound in my chest and he made me all bubbly inside. "Why don't you like being called cheesy?"

"I'm not," He said.

"Cheesy is a good thing." I said. He wove his fingers into mine.

"It is?" He asked leaning in.

"Definitely." And I kissed him.

Being official is set in the future for us. I can tell. We already act like it and we're not even thinking about the words boyfriend or girlfriend. I always bring up "exclusively dating" when referring to us. It's really fun to say actually. It sounds very mature.

It was a Friday and I had gone to a party with Jess-ee-cah. I started to really get mad at Jessicah because I told her to tell the boys I was dating someone. She did for a week and then suddenly the boys were acting like leeches and were all over me again. I put ten bucks she stopped telling them because they would be less interested.

And I managed to sneak away from one of the single friends. Paul was there that night and I feel worse when he's not there then when he is because he doesn't even know its happening. I hate seeing the look on his face when I see him. It's gotten worse.

I walked away looking for him.

That boy Patrick I talked to from under the bleachers waved. I went up to him. It seemed like an okay thing to do. Patrick had been nice. "Hey," I said smiling. "What's new?"

"Nothing," He said. "I'm just looking for Shannon." His girlfriend.

"I'm looking for Paul," I said looking around.

"I haven't seen him," He said. "You sure he's here?"

I had seen him. He had been worse tonight. Talking to Jack and looking at me. I knew who he was talking about to Jack. And that made me feel even worse about everything. No matter how much I apologize for it. He says he doesn't care. I know he does. "Yeah," I say.

Patrick sighed. "I'll never find her in this..." He said.

And we started talking. I asked him about something we talked about last. And we started just talking. He was so funny. We didn't talk about our significant others in this conversation it was a friendly one. Just about school and stuff and then onto sports and stuff like that. Safe subjects.

"Rain!" I turned my head. Seeing Paul. I was smiling. I looked at Patrick.

"Sorry," I said. "I'll see you later maybe."

"Yeah, totally." He said.

And I walked over to Paul. He looked different to me. He didn't look himself. Not that I could tell but I knew something really wasn't right. The music was loud. "Can we go somewhere real quick?"

"Where?" I asked looking at him. My eyebrows went down.

"Ten minutes, I swear." He said.

"Paul-" I started to remind him of the rule we had. But he looked at me. He looked desperate. I care about him and as little as I know him I stopped. "Ok."

The room was crowded. People everywhere, he took my hand. His soft one. And he led me out. I got into his car. We drove in silence. I looked over at him nervously. He held the wheel with both hands not looking at me. He didn't look angry. It was a two minute drive. The air around us was uncomfortable. I felt nervous.

I didn't want to know where we were going or where we were heading. I just let him drive. He pulled up to this patch on the side of the road. I knew the drill. I was used to it. We've come here a lot. It's like our place.

Without another word we got out and he followed me into the little clearing. I turned looking at him. He didn't say anything first so I took the liberty. I crossed my arms. "We aren't supposed to do this, Paul." I said softly.

"What?" He asked.

"Leave a party we didn't go together at," I stated. "It's one of our rules."

He stopped closer to me. "Fuck the rules, Rain." He said, his voice almost cracking. There was a shakiness to it. I didn't like it. He was stronger than that. "What are you doing?"

I looked at him. He looked so small. I didn't look at him now and see his arms or his muscle; I mean he wasn't a big muscle-builder or anything. I didn't see that stuff at all actually. I saw the kid he looks like he's hiding his muscles with. When in reality he's just the emo kid he's dressed as with whom he was still a part of him. But even though he's the cheesiest and one of the nicest boys I've dated, I know he's not this weak. "What?" I asked softly.

He looked at me. There were streetlights cutting in a little. Not much. "You're just going to all these fucking parties flirting with all these other guys," He said. "And you remind me of the rules now?"

"I'm not cheating on you." I said steadily. Defensively.

"Oh," He starts again. He's getting angry about this, and hurt. "And flirting with other guys right in front of me is okay?"

"I'm not flirting with them." I said more loudly. "I wouldn't do that to you. I'm just talking to them. They're-"

"Tonight you weren't." He spit at me. I froze. He was seriously accusing me of this. We weren't even official. I don't even see why he would think that.

"How would you know?" I said loudly. "Were you listening to what we were talking about?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's not brain science." He said.

We were fighting. Actually fighting. I didn't think that was possible. It was. But here was a chance we couldn't make it out. We couldn't make up as quickly as we fought. I swallowed looking at him. My voice got quieter. "I wouldn't do that to you Paul." I repeated really softly.

Then suddenly he snapped. If that were possible for him. He always let me win. And no matter what we didn't think about things turning into this. When we were actually fighting. He got weaker than he was. He got really soft. But still, he was closer to himself that he was all night. "It's just," He said calming down. "You could get any guy you fucking wanted-"

I stepped closer to him. "I picked you." I said.

That was true. I knew that best out of anything. I could have had Sean. Good-looking, nice, "into me" Sean. But I chose Paul for some reason. And no matter how many times I tried to figure out why, there was no way. It just happened. I took another step, moving close to him. I bury my face in his chest. Moving my arms around him.

His arms can, I swear, wrap around me twice. My own are too short to, but I hold him as tight as I can sometimes. His arms move around me twice, I swear. And he buries his face in my hair. He kisses the top of my head. "I like you too much to lose you, Rain."

We don't talk about how much we like each other. We just try and project it. We just try and show one another without words. Or at least I try to. Paul might do this unconsciously. And he made my heart pound in my chest with that one sentence.

I moved away enough to look up at him. I moved my arms around his neck. We do this a lot too. And his fall to my waist. He leans in kissing me softly. I close my eyes an kiss him back.

It was one of those perfect kisses too. They happen a lot when he tries and I do too. Whenever they do they knock me sideways. Sending me for the same thrills and ride the first did. Only tonight it felt better. I felt everything in me. I closed my eyes and when he moved away I looked down. Scared to look at him and feel the same second rush of emotions I did whenever we had one of these perfect kisses.

"Will you be my girlfriend, Rain?"

My heart burst open again. And I looked up at him. I smiled and kissed him again. Standing on my toes and pressing my lips against his. He kissed me back. And moved away weaving his fingers into mine. "Is that a yes?" He asked softly against my lips.

"Yes." I said.

* * *

I slipped inside. Making it to the stairs. "Rainie?"

I froze it was Queenie. I slipped back down hem going into the living room. She sat up on the couch. "What were you doing out so late?" She did this when I dated Kenny. And now I felt bad because she was pregnant and she had to sleep on our couch and wait for me.

She flicked on a light. Squinting her eyes until they would adjust to the burst of light coming from the fake antique lamp she bought in San Francisco one time. "I'm sorry," I said. "We went to IHOP, it's open all night and we lost track of time."

"Rainie," She said. "I want you to be careful. You're a smart girl, I want you to make the right choices. Be careful, please."

I nodded crossing my arms. I've heard this before form her too. It always feels awful hearing this. Because I've lived what she means. She's talking about Jesse and her mistakes. I've lived that life ten times harder than anyone. And remembering everything is what makes it worse. It's my past haunting me.

"I will be." I said softly. "I promise."

She blinked, her eyes used to the light after the few seconds it's been on. "Paul seems like a nice boy." She says. Her eyes have bags underneath them and she's tired, but she talks to me more.

I nodded smiling. "He's my boyfriend now." I said. "It's official."

She smiled. "I'm really happy for you," She said. "You deserve a nice boy."

There was a part of me that always feels bad after these short conversations. It follows me when I go upstairs leaving her on the couch and the light now off. Letting her eyes readjust to the darkness they were once used to. This is her first test run of being a mother of a teenage girl. She has two, possibly three more runs before she's done.

And something tells me she knows what's happened to me. What I've been through. She's a mother to me now. Even though she'll never replace mine.

I hope my mother's happy for me too. And sees how Paul makes me feel inside. Queenie can't.

* * *

**A/N:** _Here's a few things I'm curious about._

**- How do you think Queenie is as a mother to Rainie?**

**- Having read "Last Place" is this what you'd think Rainie would think?**

**- Having read my recent blog, has your image of Paul changed? How?**

**- How do you picture Paul?**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I was leaving soon. Caitlyn was happy about me having a boyfriend. I had told her and she was happy it was Paul. Didn't understand the whole dating thing. But I was happy too. I didn't call Jess-ee-cah or tell her yet, and I expected a big "I told you so," because she was the one saying I needed a boy and I always said no.

And here I was with boyfriend before her.

My dad was at work and I went into the kitchen finding Queenie digging in our junk drawer. I think every house has to have one. That drawer that has basically no real use to it except to hold things like batteries and birthday candles. Wire, screwdrivers, and light switch covers. At least ours holds all of that. And you could tell. Seeing everything spread out on the counter.

I picked up a little disposable camera. "I'm going to hang out with Paul." I said fiddling with it. It had a full roll of film in it. I examined it. And turned it around in my hands. "What's this from?"

She looked at the camera in my hand. "The wedding," She said. "Remember? The photographer cancelled so we bought a hundred of those."

I smiled. "And only about twenty were used?" I asked. She nodded heavily. She went back to her digging.

"Do you know where any Double-A batteries are?" She asked.

"Take them from the clicker," I said sticking the camera in my back pocket. I looked at the clock. Paul was supposed to be here any second.

"I've told you a million times not to do that." She said stopping and looking at me. I kept my eyes down on the camera. And she went back to the drawer. "When's Paul picking you up?"

I looked at the clock. "Now," I said. "I won't be out that long, but I don't know when I'll be home."

"Okay," She said. "I want you home before ten."

"Thanks," I said. "I will be."

I walked into the living room. I saw his car pulled up and he was getting out. I hurried yelling goodbye to Queenie. I stepped out of my house and caught him halfway. The camera in my hands. I took a picture.

He froze looking at me. "What was that?" I walked towards him winding the film.

"Nothing," I said. When I was close I snapped another picture.

"No," He said. I walked past him to his car. "Don't bring that." I think he knew what to expect when I had a camera. One that could take thirty eight pictures. Now thirty six.

"Come on," I said. "No pictures." I opened the door of his passenger seat. He walked around the front I snapped a picture. He shot me a look. When he got into the car.

He reached over grabbing it. "I say we have rules for being official too." He said holding it away from me.

"No," I said. "That's the difference between exclusively dating and being official." I smiled and kissed him quickly. "No pictures."

"No pictures." He repeated. Looking at me steadily.

"Can I have my camera back?" I asked. I put my hand out for it.

"No," He said. "You'll take pictures anyway."

I kissed him softer this time. "If I do you can listen to metal all you want." I said. I kissed him again and he kissed me back. Letting me slip my hand over my camera and taking it from him.

"That's fair." He said. He restarted his car and kept eying me in case I did sneak a picture or try to.

I didn't. I opened the glove compartment and went through his CDs. "Didn't you say you had that Oasis record?" I asked.

"I do," He said. "It's not in here."

"I see," I said flipping through the new selection of CDs for the week. I don't know why he changed them or how. It just did sometimes overnight.

He put his blinker on. We were going to our spot. "Why?" He asked.

"Why not?" I asked. He smiled shaking his head. I smiled looking back at the CDs in my hands.

"I should have been prepared for that." He said.

I laughed. "Yeah," I said. "We dated for three weeks. God, it's like you don't even know me." I teased him.

I looked at him. He was smiling just driving and paying attention to that. I picked up my camera sneakily. And snapped a picture. "Hey!" He said loudly.

"I couldn't help it." I couldn't have. He looked so honest. I've never met anyone who looked so honest so often. We came to a stop-sign and he reached over grabbing a record from my lap. He stuck it in and turned it up a little.

Metal. I took another picture. "Hah." I said. "Now I can take pictures of you all I want."

He sighed heavily. And looked at me shaking his head again. Rainie: 23. Paul: 0.

We got to our place. I slipped the camera into my pocket after I promised I leave it in the car and he didn't notice. Which was great. We sat down and we started talking like we always do. I teased him less today. And we were both really happy.

He kissed me. We don't hook up a lot. Even though we both like to. We talk more than we kiss which is a good sign. We haven't run out of things to say. But he's such a good kisser. But when we did hook up you could tell he was looking for boundaries. Boys always do. They always look and test you. He's never done anything major. He just kisses me and we don't take any clothes off or anything. He's just looking for my limits. To know me better. But he never finds them. We both just stop kissing eventually.

We were talking. I was lying on the ground and he was sitting looking down at me. I was talking, and very stealthily I snaked my camera out of my pocket. And when he started talking looking down took a picture.

He looked at me. I wound the film. "You said you left that in the car." He said steadily.

I smiled. "I lied." I said. I took another. He reached out to grab it, and he did. "Why are you so insecure?" I asked smiling. "You're just a cheesy emo kid huh?"

He stopped holding the camera tightly. Looking at me. "I'm not a cheesy emo kid."

I sat up smiling. "You are." I said. "You're just a soft little emo kid on the inside. I know it." I kissed him. And he kissed me back. Pulling away. I leaned back onto my hands. And he took the camera into his hands. He brought it up to his eyes and took a picture of me. I smile. "So you can take pictures of me, but I can't take pictures of you?"

"I can play metal all I want now." He said. "Don't forget that." He was smiling. I laughed and kissed him again. I kissed him really softly slipping my hand into his and taking the camera.

We started talking. After I promised to never get these pictures developed he let me take all the pictures I wanted. I lay down and took pictures of him from all angles. Twisting the camera like a crazy photographer and snapping them. I checked the film finally. "Damn," I said. "Only one left."

He sighed. "Thank god." He said. He reached out and took it from me. I reached out for it as soon as he took it away but he wouldn't let me get it.

"That's it I'm getting them developed." I said smiling. He rolled his eyes. "And I'm going to hang them up all over my locker and room. So everyone knows who my cheesy emo boyfriend is."

He kissed me quickly on the lips. I sat back on the ground normally. And he took the camera up to his eyes again. And he paused. Taking the picture. The final flash. "I'll just have my two pictures then." He said.

I smiled and he leaned in and kissed me. Handing me my camera.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The room was a little crowded. There was like twenty-five kids here this week. And I walked up beside him. He was talking to this short cute chubby kid. He was wearing a green Mae shirt. Paul slid his arm around my waist; still talking to the kid.

When there was a pause the kid smiled a little. He was familiar. I knew him from somewhere. "I'm Aaron." He said.

"I'm Rainie." I smiled back at him. "I think I've met you before."

He paused. Studying me. "Yeah," He said. "Do you hang around with Bennett Williams?"

I nodded. "That's it then."

"Yeah," Aaron said grinning. "I'm good friends with Jonah O'Connell."

"Oh yeah," I said smiling. "Now I remember you. Bright Eyes right?"

"Yes." He said loudly.

"Aaron!" It was Jonah. "Dude, get your fat little ass over here." Jonah had a sort of normal haircut for guys in our grade. But it was dyed a really dark color with blond highlights. Aaron said goodbye wishing Paul a good show.

I turned to Paul moving my arms around his neck. He moved hi around my waist. And he looked at me. "You went to Bright Eyes?" He asked.

"I told you," I said smiling. "I love Bright Eyes."

He sighed kissing my forehead. And let go of my waist. We were in the basement of the church. I was finally going to see Caustic play. They were actually pretty big it seemed. Especially tonight. But then again Bennett wasn't playing anywhere and was standing in the corner of the room.

We've been official two weeks. And somehow that spread faster than the rumors about Bennett dumping me and me rebounding with Paul Spinella. But there were more girls coming up to me telling me we were cute together than that I could do better than him. In fact only Shelly Harris was telling me that now.

The people who probably still thought that kept it to themselves because there's nothing bitchier than telling a girl she can do better than her boyfriend. But leave it to Shelly to not be aware of that.

Jess-ee-cah was out back with Thomas in his car, and when they came back in Paul went to set up. Jessicah came over to me. I nodded raising my eyebrows up and down. "How's Thomas?" I asked.

She nodded. Seeming out of breathe. Her hair pulled back, unlike before. "Good," She said. "And Paul?"

"Good," I said. I looked in Paul's direction. He was tuning his guitar. Jack was tuned and Thomas was setting up. Brent behind his drums and the noise level shot up. "Are they good?"

She shrugged. "Too emo for me," She said. "I don't really know. Thomas sings better than that Williams kid."

I nodded. I looked over and say Bennett. He saw me too. Smiling and raising his eyebrows looking at Paul. I rolled my eyes looking away quickly. Catching Bennett shooting me a goofy thumbs up. I smiled. Jess-ee-cah looked in Bennett's direction.

The thumbs up was gone. She nudged me. "Getting bored, huh, Joseph?" She said. But Paul started playing. I looked and saw him. His head down and his amp blaring the sound of notes. I've dated guys who play guitar. Or been on dates with them. They usually suck and aren't in bands. But Paul was good.

Everyone was quiet. Then suddenly they got heavier. With Jack playing bass it added to it. Thomas came in playing some thick chords. And then Brent. They were good. But they were still really heavy. As expected. Except Thomas sounded like a pop singer. So it didn't fit.

That was an old song. They switched to a new one. Paul hadn't told me that or anything, but he had said he hates how "the band" is starting to sound. The next song was a pop-y one. And it had a lot of the girls in the room getting into it a lot more than the guys had been before.

I slipped off to the side. This kid jumping up in between my and Jess-ee-cah during the first song. The boys here in front were hardcore. So I ended up being pushed to the side. Paul was on the other side, but I could still see him. But I felt the need to pay attention to everything, knowing he'd ask me about it later.

Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned my head. It was Bennett.

He seemed taller to me than usual. He had to have been taller than Paul by a few inches. Less than six. But I looked up smiling at him. Stepping over so he could stand next to me. He crossed his arms. "You're boyfriend's band's pretty good." He nudged me.

I smiled. "Yeah," I said. Shrugging a shoulder. Everything with Bennett was a joke. We acted like nothing was a big deal. Acting jokingly cocky and sarcastic all the time. I looked over at Paul who was tuning not seeing me or looking for me. "They are."

"how do you like dating a musician?" He asked smiling at me.

I paused smiling for dramatic effect. "Eh," I said. "It's okay. He had great hands though."

Bennett laughed. Knowing I was being sarcastic about that. But I smiled looking at Paul. He was playing again. Heavy notes again. Close to the first song. "I see," Bennett said. "You like that huh?"

I rolled my eyes not answering. There was a pause. Thomas singing it was louder. But the amps were tuned away from us so we could still talk and hear each other. He looked at me a little more seriously. "I told Sean before he started hearing it from other people." He said. "I think he had a hunch though."

I nodded, my smile fading. I felt bad now. I had been with Paul for five weeks now. And Sean was officially out of the picture now. "He was a little crushed by it," Bennett said. "But I think he might start dating this other girl. I just don't think he's a big fan of Mr. Spinella."

My eyes went over to Paul again he was playing. Not noticing me. I nodded. "I like him so much." I said.

Bennett smiled nudging me. "How's it living the non-single life?" He asked.

Compared to past experiences it was one of my better relationships. I smiled. "I like it." I said. "How's single life?"

He shrugged. "I'm not complaining. I get to hook up with whoever I want." He said. "I'm happy."

I rolled my eyes. "Wait until you find a nice girl." I said. "Then you won't miss single-life at all." Bennett hooked up with sluts. Obnoxious little pains. They wore too much make-up and cheated on their boyfriends with him. He talked about it when he was drunk once. He hides how unhappy he is very well.

He laughed. "Okay," He said sarcastically. He looked up. "Paul's good at guitar."

I nodded looking over leaning to the side to see him behind Thomas. "He is." I said.

Bennett and I didn't talk for a few minutes. We listened to them play. He looked at me. "I'm gonna' go find Jonah." He said. "He's been taking this little energy tablets lately, and he gets all jittery and all over the place."

I smiled. "See you later," I said.

He waved moving through the crowd much easier than anyone else. I looked back to Paul playing. They went right into another song and he was still just playing. He looked up occasionally and didn't pay much attention to the room. He just kept playing. And I knew even though he never said it, he loved playing his guitar in a band.

* * *

**A/N: **_If you've read "The Last Place You Look" Mike is now Aaron. _


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

On Monday I was sitting outside of my house. Waiting. His car pulled up front and he didn't get out. I got up and walked across my lawn. Making tracks as my shoes began to soak. Whenever there is dew on your lawn you know spring is here. You could smell it in the air. I walked to the passenger side climbing in.

He had the Mondays.

I kissed him, pressing my lips to his shortly and then pulled away. "You have the Mondays don't you?" I asked smiling weakly at him. He was cute when he had the Mondays but it was in a Paul way that he was adorable.

"What?" He asked looking at me, confused.

"The Mondays." I said. He still looked lost. I sighed, like he would when he had to explain something that was so simple to him. "When you're like a zombie on Monday basically."

He raised his eyebrows. "I guess," He said. I kissed him again. And moved back. He started driving. His car silent.

I thought up something. I don't do this on purpose, it just happens. "You know what?" I asked opening his glove compartment. "We need theme music."

He stopped at a stop sign. "We already have a song." He said looking down either streets. I rolled my eyes. And found it. I didn't realize what it was, I just knew the title of the album. I put it in the stereo.

"No," I said. "Like music that fits the mood and everything."

He looked at me. "That's mood music then." He said.

I looked at him, my finger paused before I hit play. "No." I said. "It's theme music."

He didn't fight me. He knew he'd lose. He didn't go any further. He sighed and drove. I hit play and adjusted the volume. He looked at me with a blank stare. "You're joking?" He asked.

I smiled. "What's the story morning glory?" I asked. I laughed a little and he sighed again. Rubbing his eyes leaning onto his door driving. I was too much for him today.

After a series of fighting. Him pausing it me playing it. We made it to the third track when we hit the school parking lot. He started to take the keys out but I heard the familiar chords. I had heard this once since we were sitting at IHOP. I was driving Caitlyn home from school; she had missed the bus. But I reached out touching his arm. Laying my hand on it stopping him. "This is on here?" I asked.

He looked at me now like I was slow. "You didn't know that?" He asked.

I shook my head. And he moved his hand away from his keys. I liked having a song with him. Even if I barely heard it. I was listening. And suddenly his hands moved to my face turning it so he could kiss me. We kissed. It was perfect. It made my heart pound.

I felt it in my ears, my heartbeat. It was so loud. It fell in tune with the beat.

He moved away when it ended. Cutting the engine as the next song started. He opened his door looking at me. I was still sitting there. My heart still pounding. "Come on," He said. "We're going to be late."

I smiled and got out. He smiled too meeting me in front of his car. I slid my hand into his and kissed him. The school was surrounded by zombies. But even though Paul had been one. He wasn't anymore. He was awake just like me. Leaving me in the hallway near my locker.

Jessicah was kneeling down at her lower locker. She looked up to me. "You know what I just found out?" She asked. "Every kid at Kerrington has a fucking full locker."

I laughed. "Obviously." I said. "Kerrington has more money."

"Why though?" She asked. "We have better football teams."

While that was true, we still had half of the student body kneeling down to get to their lockers. "Paul has a full locker." I said. "We don't only have half lockers."

"You're kidding." She said glaring up at me. "I'm tired of kneeling down."

"Been doing it a lot this weekend?" We both turned and it was Jacob. Jessicah shot up. "Fuck you," She said pointing at him. "I told you to not talk to me in school."

He had his locker near us. He shut it and walked away shrugging. I smiled at her. "He likes you." I said.

"No he doesn't." She said. "He's just a pain in the ass."

"Language." I said. She sighed kneeling down again. Getting her stuff out of her locker. We didn't talk. She put her bag on her shoulder and waited for me. "How's Paul?"

"Good," I said smiling.

She sighed heavily. "I've heard less about you." She said. "But, nobody gets why you're dating him. I mean ten girl's have asked me in the past week why you are."

I nodded. Shoving my math book into the back of my locker. Shelly Harris was the only one with the guts to say it to my face. And I didn't think about that. All the girls who were sitting there watching me sitting next to Paul at lunch, and wondering the same things Shelly did out loud. Why was I dating him? Why was he my boyfriend?

He was sweet. So nice. Even when he was annoyed though, he was never a jerk. He just sighed and let me win. He was cute. Not in a little kid way, he looked sort of different. But he always looked honest when he probably didn't know I was looking at him. He was opinionated, sure, but he never lets me walk all over him. But we never stay mad at each other long for it to matter. In fact, I've never been mad at him. He talks to me. And he isn't awkward. Just everything came together. Sure he wasn't perfect, he listened to metal and hated IHOP. But all the things that I didn't like about were too small for me to hate.

But honestly, I didn't know why I liked some of the things I did. I've only been on dates with guys that fought back with me a couple times. And half the boys I dated just wanted to get in my pants. Paul hasn't even tried. There's a million things I don't know about him. And somehow I like that too.

I slung my backpack over my shoulder. Walking beside Jessicah down the hallways. I didn't know why I was with Paul Spinella. I just was, and somehow that was enough for me. We had fate pushing us together. And in an odd way we fit perfectly. There was something about how we were together that made sense to me.

Maybe people on the outside just couldn't understand that.

* * *

I sat next to him at lunch. Gina and Jack across from us. Thomas came over and sat down. I don't like Thomas. I could never say that to Jessicah. And I thought because him and Paul were friends I couldn't say it to him either. But we were at a party and Thomas had been talking to Paul. I wasn't listening. When Thomas walked away Paul just glared at him. "I hate him."

Then finally I got to confess my secret white hot hate for Thomas Welker. And it was just one of the few things we had perfectly in common. They were usually small things. Things that didn't really matter compared to the things we didn't have in common. But what we always had was Sunday Drive.

When I tried sneaking in a Bright Eyes record into his car stereo he freaked out. So I played Sunday Drive. And we stopped fighting. When he was really getting annoyed with me teasing him I'd play Sunday Drive and he'd calm down. When I was pissed off at people like Shelly who annoyed the shit out of me he'd play Sunday Drive and I'd forget.

But I liked Gina. She was really nice. We talked a lot while Thomas and Jack and Paul talked band stuff.

Things have been weird since she asked me about the whole Bennett situation. I get it. She's looking out for Paul, and I would feel the same way. But things have gotten better. We can talk like friends.

Jack and Gina have been together for five months. They are basically in love. Attached at the hip kind of love. I've never had that kind of relationship before. But they don't seem to hate being in it. So maybe they are alright, but I'm not planning on that happening to me and Paul. He can barely stand me half of the time.

But it's been a month and a half since we met, and I've never gotten to know someone so well in such a short period of time. I know what to say to annoy him and I know when he's pissed and then when I should stop teasing him. What's weird is we get along better than people might think. When we're alone we just talk about anything. Seeing what's different about us and finding what's the same. In the end we always just fit.

When the bell rang and we got up, I slipped my hand into his. His rougher hand and squeezed it. "You have math?" I asked.

"Yeah," He said. I smile and he kisses my forehead. I told him that I was going to memorize his schedule and he just said I was ridiculous. But I'm not really serious about it. that's creepy.

"I hope you have fun in your dorky Honors Math class." I said squeezing his hand again. He's really good at math which was a little unexpected. But everyone has their school subject. I'm in Honors English this year because I kicked ass in my average English class last year after I moved here.

He rolls his eyes smiling. "Have fun in your average biology class." He said.

I squeeze his hand again. And he does the same in response. We're a cute couple sometimes. It's rare that we are because I don't think he likes his friends or people seeing about seventy-five percent of the cheesy moves he pulls very smoothly when we're alone. But there are a few times when we act like we do when we're alone in public.

When we reach the point where we need to break apart, we kiss. My hands around his neck and his around my waist. When he pulls away he lets go and so do I. Walking away, I feel my heart pounding. My heart doesn't speed a lot like people say all the time. I get butterflies a lot. But other than that my heart just pounds. And it hasn't been this loud for a while.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

I sat at dinner. We were having lasagna, which was pretty good. Anna was talking about this English project where she has to make a magazine for Shakespeare's times telling the events of the play they read, A Midsummer's Night Dream. I remembered reading Shakespeare last year. It was alright. It didn't make much sense but after scouring online Shakespeare to understandable English converters summarized everything I liked it better.

Queenie was asking about it and Caitlyn was sitting beside me tonight trying to keep herself occupied. She tapped my arm. "Rain," She whispered.

I turned my head. "What?" I whispered back. She looked around carefully making sure Queenie and my dad didn't see her talking to me. We're not supposed to whisper, but I wasn't brought up that way. There was nobody to whisper to anyways.

She started whispering. She had begun to say something. "Cate." Jake whispered loudly across the table. It was cute. He brought his finger to his lips and shushed her. She froze looking at him. He made eye contact with me and then looked away.

I straightened my posture moving away from Caitlyn. She began to go back to listening to Anna talking about her magazine group. I looked at Jake. He was sitting there eating normally. Drinking his milk and listening to things he didn't quite understand fully. But he did his best to try and look like he did.

There was a part of me that had a feeling he understood. So I went back to listening and understanding myself.

* * *

We had been on the phone for twenty minutes. He was doing nothing, and I was supposed to be doing homework but that counts as nothing too. And we were just talking. Having a normal conversation.

"What would you do if I started blasting Bright Eyes?" I asked. I can never sit still when I'm on the phone. I was walking around my room picking at things. And bringing them up. My Bright Eyes CD I stole from Bennett a while ago caught my eyes.

"I'd hang up," He said without even hesitating.

"Really?" I asked turning my head to the side a little. "You'd just hang up on me? Your girlfriend?"

"Yeah," He said. "I told you, I hate Bright Eyes." He made it clear to make the word "hate" stick out in that sentence, but I laughed a little.

"You're such a drama queen." I said.

He laughed a little. I liked talking to him on the phone. I'm not much of a phone person, but he was fun to talk on the phone with. The pauses weren't awkward, I could hear him plucking notes on a guitar. By the sounds of it an acoustic one.

The pause set in again. I listened. "Is that Sunday Drive?" I asked smiling suddenly.

"Yeah," He said. "It's the first song of their first record, I don't remember the name of it." We both sucked horribly at remembering song titles. The hardest conversations I've had have been with people like Bennett who know basically every song name ever and lyric and anything you ask. I just know my favorites. I listen to it all too much without paying attention to that stuff. I always know the voice though.

I paused seeing a black CD. And then suddenly I looked up at my wall across fro me. "Can you play 'Wonderwall?'" I asked.

He paused. "Yeah, but it needs a capo."

"What's that?" I asked. I felt dumb. I didn't know all that guitar stuff was either.

"It's this clamp-thing that holds down all of the strings on a fret." He said. He had explained to me what a fret was ten minutes ago.

"Oh," I said smiling. "I knew that."

He laughed quietly. "Of course." He said. He sounded happier than he usually is. He isn't always a pessimist, but he's always somewhat happier when it's just the two of us. Tonight he was a little happier than usual when we're alone.

"You better play that for me sometime," I said. "And you have to sing it."

"No," He said. "I don't sing."

I smiled. "Of course you do," I said. "I've heard you sing, you're amazing."

I heard him sigh quietly. "When have you heard me sing?" He knew I was lying and being sarcastic again.

"All the time..." I said. I put a CD into my stereo.

"I would never sing in front of you," He said. "First, you would have broken up with me and next you would have never let me hear the end of it."

I laughed. "True," I said. "But you still have to play it for me."

"Okay," He said. It was quiet again. And I heard a riff. One I didn't know. And I listened. It was muffled a little and not that loud, but I picked up the notes. I hit play adjusting the volume a little. Nudging it up. More and more. Then finally there was a click. And I was left alone on my end with Conor Oberst serenading me.

I smiled shutting my stereo off and calling him back. He answered. Pausing waiting to see if Bright Eyes was still playing. "Hello?" He said.

"I can't believe you hang up on me." I said smiling laughing a little. "I was playing some amazing tunes."

He sighed. "You're such a dork." He said. "Who says 'tunes' anymore?"

I rolled my eyes smiling. "Whatever, soul mate." I said in a high sing-song-y voice.

He laughed. "You're ridiculous." He said under his breathe. I smiled though, not being able to keep myself from not. My heart pounding and my stomach full of butterflies.

* * *

Like most Tuesdays, I found myself slipping into the Gap. He would be folding sweaters like he always is when I pounce. He's never really as unsuspected as he used to be, he actually caught on really fast, but he still has no idea. I throw my arms around him holidng him tight. And he just removes my arms from crushing his ribs.

"Hi," I say smiling. He turns around.

"Hey," He kisses me. A short quick kiss. Before turning back to his sweater folding. I stand at the side of the table surveying the point of his job it seems. Folding these annoying sweaters people screw up day in and day out like it's their job.

"How's work?" I ask smiling. I know he hates his job. He hates it more than anything. And somehow he still hasn't quit. It's Steve I'm waiting for to push him over the edge. Although I think I'm making that near impossible. Steve loves me.

Not in a creepy way but he always talks to me. We always have friendly conversation which I take part in only to annoy Paul. But eventually, I've realized, it gives him a breather. A chance to collect himself before Steve comes back to his life and the realities of working as a full-time Gap manager and snapping at whatever Paul does.

He looks up at Steve whose helping check people out. "Fucking awful." He says so only I can hear. "As usual."

I smiled slipping in between him and the table. I move my arms around his neck and he stops and looks at me. Moving his around my waist. "Come on." I say smiling. "I know you love this job secretly."

He rolls his eyes. "You've got me figured out don't you Rain?"

The thing that always gets to me is that he calls me Rain. I don't really care, I just have no idea where it started. It just happened once. Not many people call me that because my name is already simple. But my mother used to call my Rain. And then my father did too. When we moved in with Queenie here in Kerrington, it spread to them. Jess-ee-cah does it sometimes. Never really. I never correct her or tell her what to call me. But Paul always calls me Rain. No matter what. The way he says it too makes me get this weird feeling.

Not that I don't want him to call me Rain. It's just weird. He never heard it anywhere where he could have known it was something else I answered to normally. But he somehow just figured it out.

He leaned in kissing me softly. The perfect kiss that drowns out Steve talking about American Idol with a middle aged mother and the awful Gap music. The kind that knocks me off my feet for a few seconds when he pulls away. And he does. Moving his hands so they are planted on the table on either side of me. "I'm getting off in a little while," He said. "I'll call you when I get out."

I nod. "Okay."

He smiles kissing my forehead. He likes it when I'm thrown off by these perfect kisses. It's like he has a little bit of power over me. Neither of us "wear the pants in the relationship." Whatever that means. Jessicah explained this to me once. We both have equal say in anything, but most of the time I win over him. But when he throws me off with a perfect kiss, he always wins then. He moves away from me. I slip away from him and smile. "See you in a little while," I recover.

He smiles Steve yelling at him to finish folding and to get to a register. And he can't say goodbye. I walk out into the mall. A few middle school kids walk around and a lot of mothers and little kids and old people just walking. There's a big sale at some kid store thing. That's why.

But I head down to the Pretzel Shack. Jessicah folding pretzels perfectly, which means she's pissed and Jacob getting a woman and her three kids pretzels and lemonade. I move over to the little barricade around the counter. "Hey," I said.

She looks up. "Hey," She smiles. "busy at the Gap?"

"What?" I pause looking at her.

She shrugged. "You looked a little flushed." She said. The woman walks away and Jacob sighs in relief.

"Hey there," He says folding his arms looking at me. He leans back against the counter. "What's at the Gap?"

"My boyfriend," I say easily. It's casual now. Saying that Paul Spinella is my boyfriend. It was a little weird adjusting to the idea in a good way. But now it came out easy like breathing.

He pauses. Not being here for a couple of my stops by when Paul and Jessicah are both working and Paul forces me out of the Gap. "Boyfriend? Whose the poor guy?"

"Shut up," Jessicah snaps. "You're so obnoxious-"

"Paul Spinella," I say to Jacob who is blatantly ignoring Jessicah's rant.

"-everything you say is a load of crap and you're such a jerk." She finishes. Folding pretzels that could win awards in pretzel folding categories at pretzel Olympics. I watch her, stifling a laugh. She takes her anger out on her pretzel folding.

"Is he that big emo guy?" He asked. "The one whose in that sick band Caustic?"

I never heard of Caustic until I met Paul. After that everyone asks me if I'm dating that kid from Caustic. I nod. "Yeah," I said. "That's him."

Jacob laughs little. "He works at the Gap?"

Jessicah slaps her hand down on the counter putting a hand on her hip. "You know what?" She said. She points a finger at him. His hands shoot up in surrender. "You shut the heck up right now, so what if he works at the Gap? You fold pretzels for cash. And besides he's probably hooked up with more girls than you have in your entire life. And he's dating fucking Rainie Joseph, so you shut the hell up."

She's explained to me before why I'm 'fucking Rainie Joseph.' She says it's because I'm "gorgeous." I look like my mother. That's all I think about myself. But I don't see what the big deal is. I smile trying not to laugh. She's never been this pissed in a while.

Jacob looks at me. Pointing a finger at Jess. "I think she has her, you know..."

She cracks. "You know what? That's it!" She tears off her apron and lifts up the counter slamming it down. "I'm sick of this crap from you!"

My cell phone started ringing. I look down at it. Opening it. "What?" Jacob dares to ask. They're scaring away customers. That's what Steve has taught me over these weeks. Couples fighting in store- especially employees- scare away customers like killer clowns. I dare brought up Bright Eyes and Paul and I got a lecture about fighting.

"You insult my best friend..." She starts going through each thing he does to tick her off. Yelling at him I start walking away. Calling bye to Jessicah knowing she heard me. "Hello?" I say.

"What was that?" He asks.

I look back. A mother rushing her carriage by the scene. Jessicah yelling like a mad person at Jacob. "Sorry," I said. "Jessicah got mad at her co-worker again. She's yelling at him."

"Wow," He says.

I stop looking over and seeing him under the window where he can only get reception. "Hey, I can see you!" I say happily. "Okay, so your options are: One, me waving like a crazy person at you until you're within arm's length, or..."

"I see you," He says. "Please don't do anything weird."

"Damn," I say. "You would have liked option two." He hangs up. And I do too. And we start walking towards each other. I keep an eye on his striped almost normal looking polo. When he's close enough I slip my hand into his and we start walking towards where our cars are parked. In parking lot Q which is my lucky parking lot section and coincidentally closest to the nearest entrance to the Gap.

He kisses my temple. And very quickly moving my hand up around his collar popping up one side. He sighs weaving his fingers into mine. "You have to stop doing that."

"No," I say. "Never."

He doesn't let go, he holds onto my hand tight. Squeezing it has he kisses my temple again. My cheesy boyfriend. Yes, the one from that band Caustic.

* * *

**A/N:** _Task Completed: Sass kicked. Oof. I'm tuckered out._ **G'night.**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

I went to his locker at dismissal. My class was let out early. Substitutes are gullible. I waited by his locker. It's number Seven hundred seventy seven. Which I told him was my favorite set of repeating numbers. It's his too.

He came up to me. I smile and he kisses me. I break away. "Okay," I say excitedly, turning around and picking up his lock. "What's your combination again?"

The reason I know it was because he wouldn't tell me so I watched it and memorized it so I knew he was telling me the right one. He sighs standing beside me. "1," He says. I start putting it in. "3, 17."

I leave it open and step to the side. "Do I get my surprise now?" He asks. Shoving his math book, forcing his other books to collapse onto one side. I had spent a good twenty minutes this morning bragging about his "surprise" but I told him he'd get it after school. But I had almost forgotten.

"Oh!" I pulled my backpack and reached back un-zippering a compartment and taking out a packet. He shut his locker. And I waved the envelope in his face. It was a developed picture envelope.

He reached out for them, but I yanked them back. "No," I said. "I haven't opened them yet."

"When did you get them developed?" He asked. Narrowing his eyes at me. I had promised to not get them developed. But I couldn't help myself.

I started walking away. He kept standing there. The halls emptying out. I looked back at him. "Come on," I said. "I'll tell you later."

We drove to our place. I had the envelope sitting on my lap. Untouched and I put on Sunday Drive CDs because he bought all three now. We talked. He didn't seem bothered by the envelope, and I was more excited to look at them than him. Which I wasn't offended by, but when we pulled into our spot I grabbed them and jumped out of the car.

He came into the clearing more slowly, sitting down across from me. Ready to see whatever came out. I opened it, slipping them out. The first picture, was just of him standing. His black car in the background, and he looked small. I looked at it. He just sat there waiting. I took him in standing in my lawn. The sun faint but there. It looked like spring in that picture. He didn't look bad in it. I held it out to him. "I'm keeping that one." I said.

Every picture I captured of him was somewhat the same. He looked completely honest in all of them. He didn't have any weird mid-sentence faces on. There were ones of him looking completely pissed. Ones just looking at me. And there was ones with a small smile looking at me. He claimed the one in the middle of me. It wasn't a bad picture of me. I was surprised by how I looked in it. I expected it to be nasty. Something weird like half of the pictures ever taken of me. But it was a good picture. Then suddenly second to last there was this one picture.

It wasn't embarrassing. It was of him. Looking at me. I swear I could remember taking it, because I had taken a few pictures with the camera not covering my eyes from him. And I saw his eyes, they were looking at me. And they had that different look. This weird look to them. So different from the rest, but still the same eyes. I looked at it a long time. He waited. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said. I passed it to him. "I call that one too."

"Why would I want a picture of me?" He asked putting it into the stack of my pictures which was high compared to his little one picture. I was sort of happy he didn't look at it. He didn't bother studying it or seeing the look in his eyes which were most likely in perfect line with mine when I took it.

I shrugged, "I don't know." I said. I stuck the last picture, one of me, in his pile. I took my stack. Flipping through them again. "I'm going to put these everywhere. All over my locker. Just a full-out collage."

He didn't answer. Looking at his second picture. I made it through mine and looked up. He was still looking at it. Not saying anything. Just looking at it. "What?" I asked. I tried to see it, but he pulled it away. "What's your problem?" I smiled.

He smiled back. "Nothing." He said laughing a little.

"Let me see," I said. "Is it bad?"

He shakes his head. "No," He said. I get up trying to reach over and grab it, but he is too fast. Pulling it completely away and kissing me. A perfect kiss. And I close my eyes and kiss him back. I leaned back.

"Hey," I said pointing a finger at him. "Don't you pull that mister."

And he smiled kissing me again. Moving his hands around my waist and pulling me down on the ground with me. Making me forget everything and anything going on around me. And the picture.

Whenever I reach this point where I like a boy this much, the next step, is to sleep with them. But it's weird not knowing Paul that long and liking him this much and more every time we hang out or are together. And even after this long we haven't gone that far. The farthest we've gone is everything from the waist up.

But what makes me feel a little bit more different from him, is he's the one who always stops me. He always takes my hands and smoothes them out on his chest and kisses me softer. I don't care about sleeping with guys that much anymore. With Paul sometimes I think it's better if we don't because everything's so different after you do. And I don't want anything to change between us yet.

* * *

I was lying next to him. My body fitting along his side. We had only hooked up. Not done anything, just kissed. I looked up at him. "Are you going to frame your pictures of me?" I asked.

"Sure," He said.

"Because I might frame all my pictures of you," I said. "I have to get thirty five frames, and put them all over my room and just look at you all the time." He closed his eyes smiling a little listening to me. "I might even put on in my car, so when I'm driving alone I can see you too." I was only kidding. I didn't know what I was going to do with all of them. I had thirty five pictures of him, and although I had so many possibilities there was few things I'd actually do. They'd probably remain in the stack they were a few feet away form us. I was curious with what he was going to do with his two.

He kissed my forehead. "I don't know yet." He said.

I closed my eyes, as he kissed my forehead again. Taking in the smell of his skin. And feeling my gut fill with butterflies and my heart pounding. When we stopped talking again, I remembered something. "Why can't I see that picture of me?" I asked.

He sighed. "Does it matter?" I sat up leaning onto my arm nodding. He looked at me. Touching my face with his soft hand, his other on my lower back. I waited. He just looked back at me. "You looked amazing in it." He said softly.

And I just looked at him. I kissed him. Pressing my lips softly again his. Feeling suddenly this very different feeling in between us. When I moved away from his, he eyes opened softly. I saw the same stunned and blown away look in his eyes. I smiled, knowing I had just given my first perfect kiss to him.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

I walked out of the Gap, coming too early and being forced out. It was a big sale day so I was asked to leave, because Steve was freaking out at Paul everything he did wrong. So I walked out into the open busy mall. People walking around in all directions; making me feel tiny. But across from me I saw the record store Bennett works at, so I cut across the people, most of which shooting me dirty looks for cutting them off. But when I finally reached the record store I relaxed. The store full of artsy and hair metal kids. And then there was Bennett Williams- of course, going through the vinyl section.

"Hey," I said walking over towards him.

He turned smiling when he saw me. "Hey Mrs. Spinella." We haven't talked much since I started dating Paul. But there have been occasional conversations- we're still friends.

I made a face, but it smoothed out into a smile and walked up standing beside him. He was flipping through vinyl record. I had thought he was the last person on earth to buy records but Paul has a record player. He's talked about it once. We were walking by here one day and I said nobody buys vinyl anymore and he said that he had a few records.

"What's up?" I asked.

He looked at a record in his hand. Looking at the picture. "Nothing," He said. "Big vinyl sale." He nodded towards a sign that was big and red and said 50% off.

"Because nobody buys them." I said looking down at the records in front of me. I started flipping through. "Except you, of course."

He laughed and shook his head. I looked over at him. He's so skinny. It's almost gross for a boy to be that skinny. Compared to Paul's he looks anorexic. But I'm probably just as skinny as him. But still. I'm so used to seeing Paul now, looking at Bennett makes me notice those little qualities that makes Paul so different from anyone. But I go back to scanning the records. Flipping through them and seeing what's here.

"So," Bennett says, his arm brushes mine as he nudges me slightly. "You and Mr. Spinella are getting pretty serious, huh?"

I shrug. "Not really," I said. I don't think we are at least. We hang out a lot. I mean most couples just hook up and barely know each other. Paul and I are more like friends. Although when we break up I doubt we'll be able to pull it off like we are now. He's one of my best friends. Sure, I can trust Jess-ee-cah more than Paul, but I know Paul. And I'm surprised by how much he knows about me already with the little bit we have in common with each other.

We're two completely different people. And somehow, we get along. We fit like we always have. I don't think that counts as getting serious. I think it's just two people becoming more than the overrated dry relationships your flocked by at the two high schools in this town.

"Yeah, sure..." Bennett says.

I looked at him. "We're not." I said steadily.

He stops looking at me. Not believing me. And he rolls his eyes. "All I've heard about in these past two weeks were you two. Nobody understands why you are even dating and somehow your getting close to two months."

I roll my eyes. "There's nothing to understand. We like each other. Isn't that enough?"

"I don't know ask them," He said.

"Who is 'them?'" I asked looking at him confused.

He shrugs. "Everyone who can't quite grasp why the gorgeous, perfect- no, legendary Rainie Joseph, who has every single guy in Kerrington wrapped around her finger without even knowing them, dating the guitarist unpopular kid from that emo band." He said.

"I'm legendary?" I said laughing a little. "That's such a joke. I haven't even been here two years."

He shrugged putting his hands up in surrender. "I'm just the messenger." He said. "I'm just saying what I've heard. And I've heard a lot about you and Paul."

I went back to looking at records. I took out a record I recognized. It was the first Sunday Drive record. The all acoustic one. The one we always end up playing to calm down one another. I studied it. Seeing it cost twelve bucks. Cut that in half it was only six. I thought about Paul. Tomorrow was our one month. And even though we never talked about it, I figured he'd like this.

So I held onto it. Bennett looked at me. "What are you going to do with that?" He asked. "You just said nobody on the planet used records anymore beside me."

I sighed. "Paul has a record player." I said.

And then suddenly I could see Bennett grinning. "Exhibit B," He said. "You're buying records for a boy you're not serious about at all? Wow..."

I looked at him. "It's our one-month tomorrow what's the big deal?" I asked.

He laughed stepping away like I was threatening him. "Sorry," He said. "Just putting it out there."

"I'm sorry," I went back to flipping through the records. And suddenly I saw it. Two girls conjoined into one body. Their eyes innocent and smiling. The name of the record written across it but I would have known it without the title or the band. Siamese Dream. Smashing Pumpkins. It was six bucks too. So I held onto it along with the Sunday Drive record. Bennett taking notice.

"You said you hated that band a few months ago." He said. "Now you're buying them on vinyl?"

I looked at him. "It's for Paul." I said. "And I was drunk when I said that. I only like one song."

"What song?" He asked. I actually really liked the whole record by now. Paul's been playing it a lot lately and it's grown on me a little. But I didn't hesitate.

"Mayonnaise," I said.

Bennett nodded. Impressed slightly by my answer that came so quickly and so surely. "I like that song too." He said. "but I'm assuming, that you would have never heard that song unless Mr. Spinella showed you."

I paused he was right. I wouldn't have liked it probably. But I decided not to say anything. I kept my mouth shut and went back to flipping through the records. "No comment?" He asked.

"No comment." I said.

He paused still flipping through the records. His hands much more quick than mine going through them so the covers were a blur and he just kept flipping. "I just think it's ironic that five months ago you told me that love was a waste of time." He said. "That we're all too young to be in love."

I paused. "I still believe that." I said.

I remembered that conversation. Bennett was talking about how much he liked this girl. How he thought everything about her was beautiful he just wished he could tell her how he felt. And how he thinks he could love her possibly, not now, but someday he could be in love with her. That's when I told him. We're all too young to be in love. We're all waiting and pushing too hard for something that is too soon for all of us.

My parents met in college. And even though my mother died, it would have lasted. They would have been in love forever and more. They loved each other more than anyone I ever knew of or saw in movies or books. They were the definition. They were real. But here, at seventeen, I'll never have what my mother did. Even though now my father loves Queenie and she loves him back, I also believe nothing's stronger than you're first love.

My parent's were each other's first love. And I'm not a complete cynic. I can't wait until I meet my first love. And find out what my mother has told me was "the most beautiful and amazing feeling in the universe" meant for me.

There was a short silence. The flipping of records. "You're going to fall hard for him Rainie." Bennett said. I looked at him pausing. He was still looking. Two feet away from me. "I can tell."

"How?" I asked. "I mean we have barely anything in common."

He shrugged. "It's happened to me before." He said.

I went back to the records. "I'm not." I said. "I can tell too." It's not that I don't like him. I mean I do. It's just that someday he's going to start getting more and more annoyed with me, and then we'll stop acting the same. We won't be best friends anymore, we'll just be another couple fading slowly until we can't remember why we even gave each other a second glance. Let's just say: It's happened to me before.

And suddenly there was another picture. An album artwork I knew better than anything. I had twenty dollars on me. And it was already marked Thirty-percent off. It was the Oasis record. The one with 'Wonderwall' on it and the one I put on every Monday. And I smiled a little adding it to the stack. Those three records I held onto. Bennett taking a handful of his own. He looked at me. "So one month huh?" He asked looking at me.

His eyes were so different. I never got what he was thinking. He was such a walled up person. He barely ever lets anyone in. Which I think it why he always ends up alone whenever he thinks he's close to finding someone worth being with. I looked down at my three records. "Yeah," I said. "I've only know him for almost two months, it seems like so much longer."

And he just nodded. I followed him up to the register. He scanned my three records looking at them. And seeing them. I thought about how I was going to get them to Paul. I don't think I wanted to be there handing them to him. I'd think that'd be awkward. I never really gave gifts like this. I mean, here were three pieces of us. Three records. They could just be stupid CDs if it was anyone but Paul.

But here were three different things that were basically the few things we had in common. I looked at Bennett. Who was waiting for my receipt. He forced a quick smile sticking it in the plastic bag. He flashed his eyebrows up and down. "Hope he likes them." He said smiling a little.

I took them. "See you," I said.

He nodded waving a little as I turned walking away. I was leaving. Walking towards the section I parked in. My cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey," He said. "I see you."

I smiled and kept walking. "How about now?" I asked.

"Where are you going?" He asked. The voices around him thick with other people's voices. I smiled feeling my heart pounding. I pushed the heavy doors out of the mall and going out.

"I have to drop something off into my car." I said. "Why are you out?" I paused suddenly realizing what could have happened. "You didn't quit did you?"

He laughed a little. "Nah," He said. "Not yet. I was kicked out, I got in the way too much. I was having a bad day I guess."

I unlocked my car looking for the lights to flash. My little car was hiding behind a big yellow truck. "Bad day, huh?"

"Right now it feels like it's picking up actually." He said. "Are you busy?"

I shook my head sticking the records on the floor of the passenger seat of my car. "Nah," I said. "Not today, I cleared my schedule to annoy you at work."

"I could meet you somewhere." He said.

"IHOP!" I said excitedly.

He sighed. "Okay," He said.

"Okay," I said looking out over the room of my car and over the rest of the parking lot. "Last one who gets there has to pay."

"I'll end up paying no matter what," He said under his breathe.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Nothing," He said. "I'll see you there."

I smiled. "Miss you already," I said quickly.

"You too," He said.

And I hung up getting into my car. We've been official one month, and it feels like only a week. But I still ended up beating him to IHOP. And somehow it didn't even matter. He kissed me. One of those perfect kisses. And I kissed him back the same.

Who know one month could feel this short and still feel like so much longer.

* * *

**A/N: Does Bennett act differently from "Perfect Kisses" and "Last Place"? **_I'm tryign to make my characters the same, which is a little hard. Because Elisa and Rainie are so different and abstract and yet so fragile in different ways. Making their perspectives and perceptions different in so many ways. _**If you haven't read "Last Place You Look" I don't suggest it if this is your first time reading this story, reading "Last Place" will ruin the suspense and what not of this. But I highly suggest it afterwards. Although I am going to start posting my rewrite for that right after I finish this.**

_Is Paul coming across slightly bi-polar_**?** _So you like Bennett_**? **_Any predictions for what I may have in store for this rewrite that wasn't in the original_**? **_Any first-time reader predictions_**?**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

It was at the end of the day. One of the rare days I drive myself to school and barely see him. I got out of class early- "going to the bathroom"- but rather than inhaling tons of secondhand smoke in the girl's room, I went to my locker taking out the vinyl records I had bought him and walked to his locker. Opening it and sticking them in.

I had planned this perfectly just by putting them in there. Because we had discussed that we weren't going to do anything special for our one-month. It was more my idea than his. And he went along with it. But I hurried away leaving his locker locked and the three records inside. Hoping he'd like them.

I didn't care if he didn't get me anything. But when I got home I found a disposable camera and a mix-tape in the front pocket of my backpack. And even though my three records were pretty meaningful to us, his I have to say, was pretty good for a boy. But I never underestimate his little emo-core and self.

* * *

Caitlyn was sitting on the couch, and I was on the floor. She was playing with my hair while Jake was playing with his Lego's. She was talking. Going on and on. I answered her sometimes. Letting her know I was still listening.

I love little kids. I always have, no matter how old I was. There was always something about them. How adorable they were and how sweet they were. I never liked spoiled kids. But when I met Queenie's kids for the first time it was no different. I remember the day exactly because my dad dragged me out of the house and I wasn't high or anything. I was just normal and I just walked into her yellow house. The carpets were all new and we walked in.

Jesse wasn't there. But Anna was. She was only about eleven and the little kids were smaller. And Caitlyn was amazed by me. Staring at me and slowly but surely becoming comfortable around me.

No matter how much she denies it, I knew Queenie didn't like me. It was the fact that she'd be having a glass of wine with my father at eleven and I'd be announcing I was leaving going out. And once she was there in the morning and I was just getting home from a party. She knew I was screwed up and a bad person, but when I met Caitlyn I think she stopped just accepting me as a flaw in my father's life, and she started to sort of like me.

She still remembers that person I was back them. Sixteen and a complete wreck. But I can't help who I was. I resent who I was, but I can't go back and change anything. But I am slowly now. The small proofs in my life are showing that in a small way whatever I've done is working.

"Rain, am I going to be as pretty as you?" Caitlyn asked. Her fingers trying to braid my hair.

"Of course," I say.

She works carefully. Never daring to tug or pull too much. A little bit and her hands will slow completely and wait for me to yell at her like Anna. Who won't let her near her hair anymore. I don't care. But her hands move carefully, as if I'd yank my hair from her little hands at the next sudden pull.

The front door opened. I heard Anna's voice alongside an older one. A guy. I paused listening. "Hello?" I said.

Now, the last time I saw Jesse, he was dorky uptight and obnoxious. Accusing me of doing drugs and getting drunk. The drugs thing wasn't true. But the drunk part was. And it was at Christmas. When he walked into the room, he looked slightly... normal. He had a geek look to him, but it wasn't the normal stereotypical one. He was wearing corduroy and a plaid button-down shirt. "Hey," He said.

Caitlyn screeched. "Jesse!" She jumped away dropping my hair and throwing herself at her brother. Jake looking up and seeing Jesse. He then lowered his eyes seeing me watching him. Then Jake's eyes shot down. Turning away. His back completely to us and his hands busy making something like a car in his hands.

"Hey," I said smiling turning to look at him. "You look less like a loser."

He smiled, a little more laid back too. I would have been shot ten times over for saying that to him before. "Good to see you too, Rainie." He said.

"Your mom's at work." I said. "She'll be home in like an hour." I paused realizing how unexpected this visit was. "What are you even doing here?"

He shrugged. "Homesick," He said. "I mean I left a message for my mom this morning, but it was sort of spontaneous."

Caitlyn was sitting now and playing with my hair again. I paused hearing my cell phone ringing. I listened hearing it vibrating hitting the floor. "Oh sorry, hold on." I got up. My hair slipping out of Caitlyn's fingers.

"Rain-" She started to say. Telling me she wasn't finished yet, and that she still had hair to braid and play with. But I was already scaling the stairs.

My phone still ringing desperately on the floor. Vibrating and jittering around like a wind-up toy. I picked it up answering it. "Hello?" I said.

"Hi," Paul said slowly. Hearing me out of breathe and almost yelling into the phone. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Nah," I said sighing. "I was downstairs watching my step brother and step sister. My older step brother just came home from college for some reason."

"That's cool," He said. "My sister's home too."

I was shocked when I found out Paul had a sister. She was older- of course- and weirdly enough Paul didn't hate her at all. He liked her a little, as much as a brother can like his sister with a seven year age barrier. Her name's Caroline. And she's a lawyer. "Really?" I said. "That's cool." I sighed catching my breathe finally.

"Do you want me to call you back later?" He asked. "I was just wondering if you wanted to go to a party tonight. It's a Coolen one, and it's supposed to be alright."

"There hasn't been that many parties lately," I said putting a hand on my hip. "It's weird. Yeah, sure." I smiled. "Sounds good."

"I'll pick you up at eight?" He asked.

I paused. "Wait what time is it now?"

He paused, I heard him move, walking. Checking the clock. I've never been to his house, but he has two rooms of his own that are connected. His parents are pretty loaded. And he has a clock in one of them. Not the other. Which I never got, but I guess he never gets half of the little things about me. "Four," He said.

"Are you busy?" I asked.

"No," He said slowly again. "Why?"

"One word," I said grinning. I prepared myself to say it. "I-"

"You're not sick of that place yet?" He asked.

I paused. "No," I said slowly imitating him. "Never."

And he sighed. "I'll pick you up at five then?" He asked. Rainie: 72. Paul: 0.

I smiled. "Perfect," I said. "I'll be ready."

"See you later," He said.

"Bye," And I knew he would wait for me to hang up first. So I did and threw my phone onto my bed. It hit my mix tape with a clank. And I looked at it. Walking over to my bed and picking up the small tape. It had nothing written on it. The sticker was completely new. I expected it to be blank. But I flipped it over. Scanning it. Looking for any sign that it had music on it or anything at all.

I looked over at my stereo. There was only one way to find out. So I got up walking over to the stereo perched on a table across the room and opened the unused slot for tapes. I waited. Adjusting the sound knob waiting. There was a sound. A faint one. And suddenly 'Mayonnaise' started playing.

I sat on my floor. Listening. Lying there and listening. My eyes closing and hearing the songs. The faint noises of him in the background. It was perfect. Every song. I was just waiting for 'Wonderwall' when instead all I got were some songs I didn't know. And suddenly this song came on.

It was Sunday Drive. I knew the singer's voice anywhere. And it was just a guitar. Very sad chords. I'd never heard it before. I listened carefully. The words came suddenly and I listened to them carefully. And closed my eyes. I didn't get a happy feeling. I didn't think about Paul. This song reminded me of my mother.

* * *

I walked out of the bathroom. Anna peeked out her door. "Rainie, what's wrong?" She asked. I felt bad. Not for myself or anything, for Paul. He had made me a mix tape. Sat there for as long as he had to recording song after song for me. And I ended up breaking down because of one. My skin was blotchy now. My eyes not that red. They aren't that much when I cry. I barley ever cry anymore.

The last time was the wedding. My dad's wedding had been beautiful. Nice church. Flowers everywhere. And people everywhere. My mother's parents were there. And I sat with them. They didn't hate Queenie for taking part of my dad from my mother. Instead they marveled at the beauty of everything. That was one of the only times since I got to know Queenie that I hated her.

The reception was even beautiful- although I didn't see much of it. I spent it in the bathroom crying. Everything signaled my mother was gone. She wasn't just gone, she was dead. She was never coming back. And I needed her. I need her.

I sighed wiping under my eyes quickly. I had no make-up on. It all washed off. It always does when I cry. I crossed my arms. "Nothing." I said. I knew she knew I was crying before.

She paused studying me. "Did you and Paul break up?" She asked.

I laughed a little. "No," I said. "It's our one-month today. We're going out at five."

"It's ten of five now," Anna said.

My eyes widened. "Really?" I asked. I needed to put my make-up back on. "I need to get ready." I slipped away. Avoiding Anna's eyes. She wasn't getting why I had been crying. I never talk to anyone about my mother. That's one of the only things I truly keep to myself.

She followed me into my room. I went to my bureau. Looking at my face. Growing paler and paler. I looked like a ghost. I started putting on eyeliner. I always use eyeliner that washes off easy, which is only because I'm lazy, but when I cry it comes right off. She stood there looking around.

"I went to the mall today with my friends." She said. "I saw Jessicah."

"Did you say 'Hi' to her?" I asked. I think Anna kind of likes Jessicah. I mean, she doesn't hate her or show she doesn't like her. Which is a good thing.

"Yeah," Anna said, still looking around at my room like it was a crime-scene. I keep my room generally clean. I don't like my room being a mess which is unlike anything else. My locker is a mess and my car is pretty much a mess too. She smiled a little. "She told me to go to The Gap."

I smiled a little knowing Paul had taken the 2:30 to 3:30 shift. "That's cool, did they have any good sales?"

She crossed her arms. "He's cute," She said. "I mean, he's a little different looking, but he's alright. He looked really pissed though."

I laughed. "He hates his job, that's why." I said.

She nodded still smiling a little. "Kim thought he was really hot." She said. "But she thinks every guy is."

I looked at Anna. "Did you tell her he was mine?" I asked smiling.

She laughed a little. "Yeah," She said.

There are a few times when I feel like Queenie's kids are my real brother's and sisters. We have those general family Kodak moments where I'm not just the weird step sister. I feel like I'm their older sister. Which I like. I like feeling more a part of them. I looked at the clock. It was five minutes until five.

Anna slipped out of my room, when I walked by her rooms she called out to me. "Have fun," She said.

I laughed. "Thanks," I went downstairs. Looking out the door and seeing Paul's car outside already. He was already halfway out of his car. He hasn't fully caught on after these almost two months that he'll never have a chance of making it up to the front steps.

"I'm going out." I said loudly. "I'll be back by curfew."

"Kay," Caitlyn answered.

"Make sure you are," Queenie's voice came in as I opened the front door. I walked out. He stopped where he was. He was barely three steps into my lawn. I hurried towards him, and when I was close enough I kissed him. Not even saying hello.

I thought about my mix tape. I liked him so much. One month. Almost two of knowing each other. And here we were. My heart pounding and he kissed me back. I moved away. "Hi," I said. He smiled leaning his forehead against mine. His hands around my waist.

"Hi," He said. I kissed him softly.

"So, one month, huh?" I said. And he kissed me. Catching me off-guard. His lips meeting mine and making my heart pound harder than ever before. It was short and he pulled away leaving me there. My eyes opening slowly. He let go and left me there. I smiled and shook my head. Tucking hair behind my ear. I got into his car. And sure enough he was playing metal.

I reached forward hitting eject. He didn't protest. He just let me, driving while I put on Oasis. Knowing probably he already guessed I would put that on. Of any CD.

* * *

**A/N: **_So my updates are slower. If you haven't been keeping up with my many rambling blog posts, I am working on a "Last Place You Look" rewrite underneath all of this and everything else. But I'll try and update as much as I can. :\_


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

The next day it seemed like nothing new. We were the same nothing had even felt different the night before. We were just the two same people. We bickered and got over it. We fit in some weird way as always. And neither of us made a big deal about our one-month. Except he kissed me differently last night.

I knew he got his records.

But I sat at the window. My legs pulled up to my chest sitting in the window seat watching TV. There was nothing really on. But Queenie and my Dad were out and I was going to a show with Paul in Natick. Jesse was watching the kids.

I put on some random channel and watched Paid Programming shows. The half hour commercials for products that probably don't even work. I barely watch TV I don't have the attention span. But I love watching Paid Programming.

Jesse came in. "Hey," He said. He looked at the TV. "Do you have a life?"

I rolled my eyes smiling throwing the clicker to him. He plopped down n the couch catching it. "I'm exhausted." He sighed. Putting on the news. "It's been a while since I chased little kids around."

I laughed. "Getting old, huh?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes. And looked at the headliner. Nothing important. He looked at me. "Are you waiting for Paul or something?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "We're going to a little concert in Natick."

He sat back turning down the TV. "Is he some insane druggie?" He asked sarcastically. This new Jesse was new to everyone. We were used to the tight geeky Jesse with a stick up his butt. But here he was relaxing and asking me something sarcastic.

I smiled. "Nah," I said. "He's sweet. I figure Caitlyn's told you all about him."

He smiled. "Yeah," He said. "Basically. According to her he's a tall big guy who works at the Gap and is emo." I laughed a little.

"She has no idea what emo even means." I said shaking my head looking at the TV. Then I looked at Jesse. "I don't know," I shrugged a shoulder. "Paul's really sweet and nice." He looked back at the TV too. "What about you? You seeing anyone?"

He smiled a little. "Her name's Kim." He said. "She's going to be a doctor a few towns over from my college. She's the same year as me and stuff."

"I thought relationships were a distraction." I said smiling. Quoting him perfectly. When we met I asked him if he ever dated anyone.

He rubbed his eyes. "Some distractions are good things." He said.

"Like Kim." I said.

"And your Paul." He said.

My Paul. I liked having a Paul. A good distraction in my life. Even if this was a conversation between me and my step-brother. Out of everyone Jesse surprised me the most. When I heard Queenie had a baby when she was seventeen and names him Jesse, I pictured a musky pothead with no point in life. I met Jesse and found him nerdy and clean cut. Borderline OCD but more on the fence towards extremely anal. But here he was. Sort of... normal.

"How long have you and this kid been together anyways?" He asked.

"A month," I said. "It hasn't been that long but we met two months ago and dated for three." I paused. Feeling my lips curve upwards like they always do when I answer these generic questions. "It feels much longer."

Jesse looked at me. "You know, you've-"

The doorbell rang and suddenly you could heard Caitlyn hurrying down the stairs. I let her answer the door. "Rainie can I open it?" She yells from the tile before the door.

"Sure," I get up. Walking past Jesse. That's when I hear his voice. He made it up the front walk.

"Hi Paul!"

"Hi Caitlyn," He says smiling at Caitlyn. I smile. He doesn't see me yet.

"What no hello for me?" I ask. And he looks up smiling.

"Hey," He said. I walk closer to him and Caitlyn. Caitlyn starts talking but is interrupted by Jesse calling her into the living room. And she says goodbye running in to see him. With her out of view I kiss Paul.

I would have felt insecure kissing him in front of Caitlyn. "What's up?" He asked. He starts stepping out onto the porch. I shut the door behind me.

"Nothing," I said. "What's new?" I slip my hand into his. His fingers sliding in between mine.

"Nothing," He said. "Did you listen to the band we're seeing tonight?"

I shook my head. "No," I said. "Didn't have time so I'm just trusting you tonight."

"You'll like them." He said.

"I hope so," I said. And he kissed my temple letting go of my hand to walk to the driver's side of his car. I got in. Sitting. Opening his glove compartment.

"Hey!" I shot him a look. He shut his door. "You got rid of Oasis."

He smiled a little. "We've listened to it a million times." He said. "I was getting sick of it."

I remained staring at him. "What the hell?" I asked sarcastically. "It had our song on it. What does that say about this relationship now?"

He laughed, kissing me. "I'll make it up to you somehow." And he kissed me softly. A perfect kiss. Knocking me down. And making me forget.

I smiled and pulled away and we drove away. It didn't matter if he had Oasis we played Sunday Drive and Alkaline Trio. That made up for it.

* * *

The club was small. A few kids like us, having nothing to do and twenty bucks, decided to also show up. And we stood in the line. Talking about whatever we had in that car. Which was about how much he hated middle school. And how much I loved it.

"Everything was so pointless." He said rolling his eyes. "All the girls just wanted guys' attention and they were obnoxious to get it."

I laughed. "It's because we wanted you guys to like us." I remembered talking to all these guys with my friends. We used to laugh a lot and wear all the same clothes. And somehow we thought it would make boys like us. It didn't but it was an alright guess.

"I thought all the girls were obnoxious." He said.

"How old were you when you had your first girlfriend?" I asked poking his arm.

"Fifteen." He said.

"And that suck-y attitude is why." I said smiling. He smiled shaking his head.

We made it to the venue about ten minutes before doors so we were close to the end of it when people started filing in. They made Xs on our hands and sent us on our way inside. The room was small and dark. Only the upstairs and there were only a few people- like thirty or fifty people- just standing around watching the first band set up their gear.

The room was cool. Orange and Indie-looking. One half of the room was for people to watch the bands. The stage about four feet tall and just enough to make sure almost everyone could see the bands. There was a handmade carpet spread across the stage with a drum kit being put up in the middle of a few others. The other kits being for- what I assumed was- the other bands.

The divider of this room was a row of columns with arches in between then separating the stage from the side. The bands selling t-shirts and standing around. A few kids going up and talking to them getting pictures and autographs. I didn't know the bands and didn't really care if I met them or not. But they were all just standing around. Nothing big. The room wasn't that loud. It just felt sort of nice in there. The air in the room just had a certain feeling.

I looked over at a gross fat guy on the side selling t-shirts. "Hey," I hit his arm lightly o get his attention. I pointed to the fat guy. "I think I might go after that guy over there."

He looked for who I was pointing at. Then he rolled his eyes. Sighing. I laughed. He looked up at the stage ignoring me now. I smiled looping my arms around his neck and kissing his neck once. He moved his around my waist and still ignored me. "I was just kidding," I said softly smiling into his chest. Holding him tight.

My face buried in his chest. I never realized how much shorter I was than him. I just name it to his neck. Barely even. And he kissed the top of me head. And held me too. I got this different feeling. One I always felt after a perfect kiss. But sometimes it happened without one. And I just was close to him. I liked having him there so close. He made my heart pound. I like him so much.

The band started playing. Saying their name and playing a song. They were pretty good. Everyone moved closer to the stage, we did too. I pulled him more into the crowd of people. He came up behind me. His stomach against my back and slid his hands around my waist and held me close. His arms were a ring around my waist. And I moved my hands over to cover his.

I turned my head to look at him and he kissed me. A perfect kiss. Knocking my sideways and making it hard for me to actually listen to the music. My stomach full of butterflies and my heart just pounding.

The bands were all generally good. None of them sucked badly. One couldn't hold our attention at all. And we just talked through it. Which made me feel sort of bad. But that different feeling wouldn't go away. It came back whenever I looked at him. He smiled at me differently, and somehow we just acted differently. For no reason at all. And suddenly it was hitting me. I just spent thirty days as his girlfriend. We had only known each other two months almost exactly. And here I was. With him somehow.

And suddenly I knew why, I just had no idea how to put it into words.

The band we wanted to see came on. He held me the same way he had whenever we wanted to actually watch one of the bands. There were five. I leaned into his turning my head a little. "Are you sure I'm going to like them?" I asked.

He kissed my temple. "Positive," He said. "You're going to love them. Trust me."

So I did. I trusted him. Leaning into him and listening. Waiting for them to start playing. They started with a guitar riff. A nice one. Very Sunday Drive-esque. And suddenly that split off into the whole band coming together. The singer stepping forward and starting. And he was right. I loved them.

After the first song they tuned their guitars talking a little. I looked at him. And just kissed him. And he smiled. "I told you so." He said against my lips.

"Hey," I pulled away. "I trusted you."

He smiled. And kissed my forehead. The different feeling back. His lips pressing against mine. Quickly and softly. Throwing me off again. But I just listened to the band playing. They were so good. I fell in love with them. And all I had to do was trust him.

* * *

We walked out of the club around ten. I smiled, and slipped my hand into his. Swinging it. "I don't want to go home." I said. "Can we go to Our Spot?"

He knew I called it that. And when I said it now he knew what I was talking about. He smiled. "Sure," He said. We walked back to his car. Driving. I played Sunday Drive. And was smiling a lot. It was weird I just felt happy. I don't know why. It felt like I was on some weird drug I had never tried before. I just felt extremely happy. And I looked at him.

Suddenly I understood why.

When he pulled into the dirt patch I got out. Going in before him and sitting down. He sat across from me. I looked at him. "Two months ago we were in this same spot," I said softly looking at him.

"I know," He said. We were quiet for a second. "I feel like I've known you so much longer."

I paused realizing how short two months were. I looked at him. "Me too," I said.

He looked down and then back at me. Opening his mouth and the closing it. I looked at him waiting. "What?" I asked.

He paused again. Hesitating. "I've just heard some... things." He said. His voice soft and I didn't think it was his at first. I waited more. Thinking instantly about Bennett. "About..." He hesitated again. "You and Bennett Williams."

I looked at him. Shaking my head. "They're not true." I said. "We're only friends. I would never do that to you, Paul."

He looked down. His eyes not meeting mine. I get up moving closer to him. My hand taking his and weaving my fingers into them. We've only known each other two months. And I've never liked someone this much for so long. There was something about him. That made him different to me. I held his hand. The rough callused one. And looked at it. His were bigger than mine. His skin a few shades darker compared to mine. And he remained quiet. His eyes down. Looking at our hands too.

I looked up at him. Pushing hair out of his face. I kissed him softly. And closed my eyes. He kissed me back. But as he did I pulled away. My free hand against his neck, feeling his pulse quickening. He looked at me. Softly.

I had just given him a perfect kiss. He just looked at me. His eyes readjusting as they came back to this. To reality. I smiled a little. "I like you too much to ever hurt you Paul." I said in almost a whisper.

And he just looked at me. Leaning in slowly and kissing me again. Pressing his lips against mine. I kissed him back. Feeling my heart pound. And we lay down on the ground kissing. And suddenly I felt his heart racing. My own pounding.

But I never knew anyone's heart could be so fast before in my life.

* * *

**A/N: Since there has been a slight misunderstanding... These stories are originals. They are not based off of any other book by any other author.** _They are 100% me even though they are in a catagory for another author's book's._ **And for everyone who has been reading my work, there is a "Last Place You Look" rewrite in the works now.** _But I'll be only posting this until it is done. And hopefully when it is I'll be in a good place to start posting "Last Place"_ _much more frequently and as close to all of the chapters as once as I can._

**Sorry for the lack there of updates. I've rewritten this chapter a couple times. So I hope you liked it. Let me know. **


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

He pulled up in front of my house. I kissed him before getting out. We kissed a little longer than we usually do. Him thinking I was cheating on him made me a little nervous. Not just that but the thought that he had thought I would have. But I figured it was innocent. He couldn't help it if he did or not. We haven't known each other that long. And somehow I realized the rules we had when we were just dating- or at least some of them- still stood subconsciously today.

I have never lied to him. Not even once.

But walking up my front walk I stopped at my porch. Seeing him starting to drive away. I stopped watching him. Feeling the different feeling creeping through my body and shocking me all over. I smiled looking around. Realizing I have been doing this since the beginning. I have always watched him drive away.

And suddenly I wondered if my mother saw me. Saw how happy I was and saw the different feeling I had whenever I was with Paul. Somehow I don't think she would understand why I thought it was a big no to watch a boy drive away. And I think that she'd understand why I always had to watch him drive away when I couldn't.

But finally I slipped inside, trying to be as quiet as I could. Stepping up the stairs so quietly to make sure I didn't wake anyone up. But walking past Anna's room I saw light chining through the crack of her door. Tapped lightly looking in. She was sitting on her bed in the dark, the laptop she got for Christmas on in front of her. She looked up slightly scared.

"Hey," I said. "What are you doing up?" I asked. It was one in the morning. I was home for curfew almost exactly.

"I'm talking to Chris," she said. Chris was one of her best friends. He was a boy- yes. And she looked at the computer smiling a little. Typing back quickly. She had her glasses on. They were black-rimmed and square but she had pulled them off perfectly. She looked much older. She didn't look thirteen.

I shut the door turning the light on overhead. I looked at her. "You like Chris don't you?" I asked.

And she blushed. "No," She said quickly. She blushes a really unique shade of pink. A light kind. Not a thick red kind. A light kind. Where the color just splashes across her face gently. Never really that strong.

I smiled. "You can tell me." I said.

She shook her head. "I don't." I saw her mouth curving up a little.

I just looked at her steadily. And finally she cracked looking back at her computer. "Maybe a little," She said.

"It's okay if you do." I said. And suddenly I remembered all of my friends in middle school talking about their sister are hammering them for who they liked. If this is what really happened I felt like I was missing out on something.

She paused. Answering another instant message from Chris I assumed. Then she looked down. "Yeah," She said finally. "I do, a lot." I opened my mouth to say something. "But I can't. We're just friends."

I sat down on this bean bag chair across from her. I felt tired. Paul and I hadn't done anything. We had done everything from the waist up before he stopped me. And I sat down looking across the room at her. I was Queenie's first try at having a teenage daughter. And here was Anna. My first try as being an older sister for a thirteen year old.

"What I think is you can't ever just be friends with a boy." I said. "There's always going to be something there."

She looked at the computer. Pushing it out of the way. I assumed Chris was away fro a little bit. "Then what about Bennett Williams?" She asked. "You said you were just friends, do you like him?"

I shook my head. Pausing. "I used to. But that was just for a little bit when we first met." I said. "He had a girlfriend then."

She paused taking this is. Then I realized how Anna was learning a lot through me. A lot of different things. I felt more like a big sister realizing this. She looked up at me. "Do you think you and Bennett might date after you and Paul break up?" Anna asked suddenly.

I paused. She had caught me off guard. I hadn't thought about Paul and I breaking up. It didn't even seem possible right now. I shook my head. "He doesn't like me." I said. "He doesn't feel that way; I don't think he ever did. But I don't think Paul and I are going to break up for a while."

She took her glasses off playing with them. She looked at me. "Do you love Paul?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said. I realized how quickly I had answered it. That word piercing the air. Hanging there in front of me. Almost as if it was the first time I had heard it when I was the one who had said it. "I mean," I shifted. "I like him a lot. But I'm too young to be in love."

She nodded. "So you've never been in love?" She asked softly.

I shook my head. "No."

"Do you know what it's like?" She asked.

I remembered something my mother had written to me in a letter she had sent me. "My mother," I started. "Wrote me these letters when she was still alive, and you know my uncle in Ohio has been sending them to me whenever I reach a certain age, and this one described it to me. At least what it felt like when she loved my father. And it was weird sounding. At least to me. But I don't think we know what its like until it happens."

I had never talked about my mother in front of Anna. Or to her. I always kept that part of myself away from the kids. They never ask knowing only something bad happened to my mother. I haven't talked about her out-loud for as long as I can remember. I always keep that part close to me. It's my own little piece of the world. Something that's always my own. I never have to share it with anyone.

We were quiet. She let this roll around in her head. I got up. "I'm going to bed," I said yawning. "See you in the morning."

She looked suddenly at her computer. An instant message popping up. She pulled it in front of her again. I just looked at her. "Night," She said looking at me.

We were so similar in a small way. She reminded me of who I was when I was her age. And I walked out leaving her on her computer with Chris. Shutting the light overhead off. The whole house was silent. I went into my room. My cell phone light up with a text message. I looked at it. It was from Paul.

'Goodnight' was all it said. I smiled a little. Thinking about that short conversation with Anna. I got dressed in what I normally wear to bed. A pair of boxers and an oversized t-shirt. I collapsed into bed. Feeling exhausted.

More than before. I curled up. I wanted to hold someone, or more someone to hold me. I felt lonely without someone here. So I held my knees to my chest. Holding onto myself. Tight and keeping myself as small and compact as I could. Going to sleep.

* * *

The next day I walked to Pretzel Shack. Paul kicking me out of the Gap because they were busy and I was distracting him. He was pissed too because Steve was freaking out about everything Paul did.

Jess-ee-cah was just standing there reading a magazine. "Hey!" I said. She looked up tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Hi," She said. She looked at me up and down smiling. "How was you're one month?"

I shrugged. "Good," I said.

"Just good?" She said. "Oof. Was it really that bad?" I suddenly realized what she was talking about. Not that it was that obvious but I understood what she meant. I knew Jess-ee-cah.

"Oh no," I said quickly. "We haven't yet."

Her mouth dropped open. "What?" She asked. "You've been dating him two months!"

I rolled my eyes looking down at her magazine. "I'm not like you Jess," I said.

She paused considering this. She shrugged one shoulder and looked back at her magazine. "What about the rest of the night?"

"We just went to a party Friday," I said. "Nothing intense. We went to a show last night. It was pretty good." I haven't seen Jessicah much since Paul became my official boyfriend. I've been hanging out with Paul a lot and Jess-ee-cah has been going on a lot of dates recently. Looking for a boyfriend. It feels weird having one for a little while, when she was originally the one looking for a boy.

She shut her magazine. "When does he get out of work?" She asked.

"An hour," I said. "Do you think you can go on break?"

She looked back behind where they cook the pretzels. "Hey Jacob I'm going on break 'Kay?" She said.

"No-" And she took off her apron and abandoned her shift at the old Pretzel Shack.

She used to do this a lot. But she got in trouble with her boss before Jacob started working. He doesn't turn her in as much as her ex-co-worker. But we usually just go to the food court and get ice cream. I always get extra chocolate flavors while Jessicah gets plain ones. But it's the same. We sit in the tables looking out onto the parking lot.

"So you and Paul, huh," She started. "You haven't slept with him yet?"

I shook my head. "No," I said. I took a bite of ice cream.

"You're getting kind of serious over this guy?" She asked studying me. I paused taking another bit of ice cream. She did too. We both eat slowly. Paul eats sort of fast and I kind of annoy him with how slow I eat. He sort of teases how slow I eat.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "Why does everyone think that?"

She laughed a little. "Who asks you if you're getting serious over him?" She asked.

"Bennett,"

She pointed her spoon at me. "There's been a lot about you and Bennett going around. What do you think Paul's going to do when he hears?" She asked.

I turned my chair so I could stretch my legs over the one beside me. "He already did," I said. "He asked last night."

"Did he like freak out?" She asked.

I shook my head. "He was calm about it." He had seemed sort of nervous to ask me about it. But I didn't think that was important. It didn't really matter. That's probably the only way guys act. They either freak out or they're scared.

"Really?" She asked leaning forward. "So I picture him spazzing out. Jock-guys always do. They always go on those how-could-you-fucking-cheat-on-me spiels. It's so annoying."

"I didn't really think about it." I said. There was a pause. We both took bites of our ice cream. "What about you and Thomas?"

She smiled a little. "You know..." She says shrugging a shoulder. "We're just friends with benefits. It doesn't really matter. Except I did date this really spazzy kid last night."

I laughed. "What was that like?" I asked.

Her eyes widened. "I thought he was cool when I met him and we started talking. He asked me out and stuff," She pointed her spoon at me again. "He picks me up and is all jittery and crazy. I asked him if he was on drugs as a joke, and he says no. I find five-hour energy shots in his car. And his friends tell me he takes them a lot. He was so weird. Jonah, that's his name."

My eyes widened and I smiled. "Did he mentioned being friends with Bennett?" I asked.

"Yeah," She said pausing. "Why?"

"I think I met that kid." I said. "At a show or something. He was so funny."

"He told like hour long stories." She said. "It was awful."

I laughed. "I loved him. He was hysterical."

"I told him I wasn't into long-term relationships." She said smiling a little. "Which when a guy's drunk and kind of off they don't understand. But I just left with Thomas. I think he got the message."

I smiled. "That's so funny." I said. "I can't believe you went on a date with him."

She shook her head. "I didn't know he was like that. He was a fucking lunatic." I stifled another laugh. She smiled laughing a little too.

"Are you hanging out with Paul this afternoon?" She asked.

"No," I said. "He's got band practice. What are you doing?"

She shrugged. "Nothing," She said. "I was probably going to work some more. Pick up some more hours. But I can't stand working with that prick."

I laughed again. "The men in your life," I said sarcastically pointing my spoon at her. "Are astounding. I'm wicked jealous."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I don't have a serious relationship in the works." She said.

"I'm not in a serious relationship." I said defensively.

She grinned. "Denial," She said slowly. "Is the first steps to admitting it, Hun." And I rolled my eyes taking another bite of ice cream.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

I was sitting in the living room. Caitlyn was too. She was eating sugary marshmallow cereal. Jake just eating cottage cheese and an orange. Making Caitlyn's cereal look pathetic and little-kid-ish. Which didn't really make me feel better. I finished my bowl of the same cereal a few minutes ago.

I was waiting for Paul. But Caitlyn was looking across the table at me. I had my legs pulled up against my chest. I was tired. But I was feeling more and more awake. She just looked at me. "Rain," She said. "You're not supposed to have you're feet on the chairs."

"Oh yeah," I put my feet down under the table. And she ate her cereal slurping while Jake broke off another slice of orange and popped it into his mouth. Chewing. I checked my phone. He wasn't late, I was just ready early. "What are you doing in school today?" I asked Caitlyn.

She brightened up. "I have a spelling test." She said, somehow happy about the idea. "I memorized them over the weekend with Jesse. I can spell elephant." She swallowed, having been talking with her mouth full. "E-L-E-P-H-A-N-T."

"That's cool," I said smiling. "I always spell it with an F instead of P-H."

She nodded. "I used to," She said. Taking another spoonful of cereal. "But Jesse and I practiced a lot, so I'm going to get a hundred he said."

"That's good," I said. "I don't get hundreds. I never study."

She nodded. "Jesse said studying helps you get hundreds." Queenie walked in, her stomach growing bigger, making her settle for wearing the most formal shirts she could find in the maternal section in the department store she takes Caitlyn and Jake shopping at. "Caitlyn, chew your food before you speak."

She looked at the coffee maker. "Did Bill make coffee before he left?" She asked.

I raised my cup. And she turned seeing it. "Oh," She said. "Why did you make so much?"

"I'm taking some on the drive to school." I said. I was on the phone last night with Paul. We talked until one in the morning. So I was a little tired.

"Do you want my to-go canister?" She asked. Most parents won't let their kids drink coffee. They tell them to wait until college telling them their bodies aren't ready for it. Queenie was a caffeine addict before she had Caitlyn Jesse's told me.

"Sure," I got up. "Where is it?"

She started peeling an orange. "Over the stove." She said. I walked over getting it out. It was one of those big ones. She still used it occasionally before she got pregnant. But I filled it; it only went halfway. And I finished off my own.

I put cream and sugar into it sitting down again across from Caitlyn. She looked at it. I took a sip. It was hot burning my tongue. "Can I have some coffee Rain?" She asked. She knew better than to ask Queenie.

"No," I said. Knowing Queenie was watching, and also I knew she would think it was gross. "It's gross."

"Why do you drink it then?" She asked.

"It wakes you up," Queenie said. "You can drink it when you're older."

Caitlyn finished her cereal. Taking it and walking it over to the sink. Stepping up on the stool and putting it in. Anna came in. "Hey Rain," She said. "I think Paul's out front."

"Thanks," I said. I checked my phone. "See you everyone."

Jake walked past me. Throwing his trash away and walking over to put his spoon into the sink. "Rainie, are you going to be home after school?" Queenie caught me before I walked out into the living room.

I turned. "I was going to hang out with Paul," I said.

"I know it's short notice, but Vanessa can't get Caitlyn and Jake off of the bus because Cam has a dentist appointment. Do you mind watching them?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "I'll watch them."

"Thank you," She said. "Make sure you remember."

I've never forgotten but I think this was just to be safe. I turned walking out. "Bye!" I said.

"Bye Rain!" Caitlyn answered. I grabbed my bag slipping an arm through a shoulder and walking out the door. His car was waiting by the curb. I knew today he would have the Mondays for sure.

I got into the car. "Hey," I said smiling at him.

He smiled a little. "Hi," He said. He had a to-go mug identical to mine in the cup holder next to him. I smiled.

"It's official," I said shutting my door, putting my to-go mug next to his. "We're soul mates." He started to pull away from the curb. We were quiet. He looked so tired. "I'm sorry I kept you up that late."

He started to talk but it turned into a yawn. "It's my fault," He said. He leaned onto his arm.

I smiled weakly. I paused. "Hey, after school today," I said. "I have to baby sit, but do you want to come over?"

He looked at me. "And actually go into your house?" He said sarcastically. When he's tired he has a really dry sense of humor. "I don't know."

I smiled. "It's okay if you don't want to." I said. "I'm not forcing you."

He shrugged. "Sure," He said. "That's fine."

"Cool," I reached out getting my mug and sipping. When we came to a stop sign he did the same. I leaned over and kissed him. His lips tasting like coffee.

When we got to school he kissed me right before I went down the hall my locker was down. I saw Jessicah was just shutting hers. She always is tired in the mornings. She was never a morning person anyway. But as I walked over to her she looked at me. "Hey," She said. She lifted a hand waving and stood up. Throwing her tote bag full of her books over her shoulder.

"Hi," I said. I started my combination.

She moved out of the way and waited for me. She looked around blankly. She had the Mondays too. I looked at her. "What's new?" I asked.

She leaned against the lockers next to ours. "Are you doing something with Paul after school?" She asked. "Because this kid from the track team just invited me to hang out under the bleachers."

I nodded. "He's coming over," I said.

"Wait," She said looking confused. "He's going over your house?"

I nodded. "Why?" My eyebrows furrowed.

She shrugged. "You've never brought a boy home before." She said. "As long as I've known you." I took out my science books and notebook.

I looked at her. "It's not that big of a deal," I said. "I'm just babysitting Caitlyn and Jake. Queenie asked me last minute and we had plans." I shut my locker and we started down the hall. I looked at her. "Do you think it's a big deal?"

She shrugged. "I guess not." She said. "At least he's not meeting your step-mom and your dad."

I thought about this considering it. He's already met Caitlyn. And meeting Jake would be like not even meeting him- Jake doesn't say anything around someone he's ever met. I've lived with him for almost a year and a half and he still barely talks around me. It can't be that big of a deal. Then I remembered what Jessicah had said. 'You've never brought a boy home before. As long as I've known you.'

I've never brought a boy home period. I never had the need to. They have come over and just hung around in my house sometimes. We usually just hooked up or something. But my dad was never home. Now Paul was going to be there while I babysat my step-sister and step-brother. I think he knew they were my step-siblings. I couldn't remember if I told him if they were or not. But he hasn't asked anything about Queenie or my real mother.

She looked at me. "Are you stressing about this?" She asked smiling. She put an arm around me. "Calm down, pretend I never said anything."

"Lesbians," Jacob had come out of nowhere walking past us spitting that at us.

"Fag," Jessicah said shoving him. He laughed looking over his shoulder walking away. I laughed. And we walked to advisory. Getting Paul coming over my house off of my find for at lest a little while.

* * *

It was bugging me. Killing me almost by last period. I went to my locker and meeting him at his. By then it was burning me to death. I was nervous. My stomach full of butterflies. But he kissed me. Making me feel less stressed about it.

What was stressing me was: was this a big step? Was this a big deal? I didn't really know. I've never been in a relationship like this one with Paul. Where I still like and for this long and am still growing to like him more and more. But we drove to my house. He parked in my driveway and we got out. He followed me up my front walk and I opened the door, feeling strangely awkward for the first time around him.

I've never done this before. Which felt weird. He looked around. "Nice house," He said.

I smiled. "Thanks," I said faking all of the enthusiasm I had in that. I took a few steps in. "Lining room." I pointed to my left. "Kitchen." Behind me. "Den." To my right. "Stairs." Right near him. He looked around to where I pointed. "Unfortunately there aren't any embarrassing pictures of me anywhere from when I was younger. But, I guess this has to be okay for now."

"My living room's covered with embarrassing pictures of me." He said. "Alongside a million football pictures."

I laughed. "I have to see those." I said smiling.

He shook his head. "No," He said. I stepped closer to him moving his hands around my waist. I felt more comfortable about this. I kissed him. Softly. A perfect kiss.

"Come on," I said. I held his hands there against my hips. He smiled.

"No," He said firmly.

I moved my hands and his stayed where they were. I poked him in the middle of his chest. "You are defiantly going to show me." I said. "I'll bug you so much until you agree to it."

He sighed. Rainie: 87. Paul: 0. "Fine." I kissed him again and he kissed me back. In fact I suddenly felt wrong. This wasn't any different from when I used to bring boys over to hook up. He wasn't going to meet my parents anyway. So it didn't even mean anything.

We went into the living room. Sitting on the couch. We were just talking. Nothing big. We kissed occasionally. But I knew the kids would be home in a little while. I turned on the TV and went through the channels. Going to MTV and playing music that annoyed him. He talked me into handing the clicker over to him somehow. He wasn't that awkward about this. In fact he seemed alright. There was nothing really that different about anything. He was the same. I was the same. We were just at my house.

He put on Fuse and then changed the channel. An infomercial coming on. "Stop," I said. He changed the channel as I said this. "Go back."

He gave me this look. One I noticed he gives me sometimes. When he looks at me like I'm crazy. "Why?" I jumped over him, getting the clicker and going back. I watched for a little. The woman pointing out how the waffle cooker doubles as an omelet cooker too.

"Did you see that?" I pointed at the TV. "You can make a full breakfast with that."

He rolled his eyes. "Says the girl who never gets sick of IHOP." He says. "Why do you care? All you do is drag me out to that fucking pancake house."

I laughed. "You don't have to go to IHOP." I said. "You're the one whose driving."

"Like I have a chance of going anywhere else," He said. "You wouldn't shut up about how I didn't bring you to get your chocolate chip pancakes."

I smiled kissing him. "It's because I know you love pancakes Paul." I said against his lips. He kissed me back. In the background: 'An now in this one offer we'll cut your ten payments of $39.95 to only one. That's right folks, only one easy payment of $39.95. Call now.'

"Did you hear that?" I asked moving away shortly. Kissing him again. "Only one payment." He pulled away sighing. I killed the moment. I smiled. Rainie: 88. Paul: 0.

The front door opened and I sat back normally. Moving away form Paul. "Hi Rain!" I heard Caitlyn yell.

"I'm in here, Cait." I said. I heard Anna's footsteps going upstairs. She usually does to do her homework away from me and the kids.

Jake came in. Looking at me and Paul and slowing down. I smiled a little. "Paul this is my step-brother Jake." I said. "Jake this is Paul."

"Hi," Paul said. I felt bad for Paul. Jake just stared at him awkwardly. No emotion or expression. He just walked by going over to his legos and taking them out in the corner and sitting down. Paul looked at me, exchanging a look.

"He's shy," I said softly so Jake couldn't hear.

Then Caitlyn came in right after him. She looked at Paul. "Hi," She said happily. Which I think made Paul feel more comfortable than when Jake just glared at him.

"Hi," He said.

"Rainie!" She waved a piece of paper with a sticker on it. "I got a hundred. Mrs. D said I was the only one who spelled elephant right."

I smiled. "That's cool." I said. I looked at Paul. "Can you spell elephant?" I nudged him.

He just rolled his eyes. And I laughed. Caitlyn put her spelling test on the table. We have to couches in our living room. Paul and I were sitting on the one facing the TV. But the other one face the wall with the windows going out front. Caitlyn sat on that one. Closer to Paul. "Do you still work at Gap?" She asked.

He gave mea look. I put my hands up in surrender. "I didn't tell her to do anything." I said quickly. "I'm innocent."

Then he looked back at Caitlyn who was still waiting. "Yes," He said. "Unfortunately."

"Rainie doesn't have a job." Caitlyn said.

He nodded. "I know," He said.

"She got fired." Caitlyn said. "She thought it was funny but dad told her it wasn't. Do you think it's funny when you get fired?"

He shook his head. "No," He said. "Getting fired isn't a good thing. I got fired from my job at Carol's." Everyone knows what Carol's is. It's this coffee-shop downtown famous for Jelly donuts and good coffee specials on Saturdays for soccer moms.

Her face brightened up. "I love Carol's jelly donuts." She said. Then she narrowed her eyes at him. "Did you burn them? Is that why you got fired?"

He smiled a little. It was cute. Him and Caitlyn talking. He wasn't being annoyed or obnoxious about it. He was fine. He didn't mind. Which is why I never usually bring boys home to hang out with my siblings. But then again the only boyfriend I've had here was Kenny, and that wasn't barely a relationship at all. "No," Paul said. "I didn't burn the donuts."

She paused. "Oh." She said. She looked at him again. "What's your favorite flavor of jelly donuts at Carol's?" There are at least twelve in the fall. There are any kind of Jelly she could find.

He paused thinking about this. "The red ones."

"That's Rainie's too!" She said happily.

I shifted leaning into his ear. "I told you we're soul mates."

And the questions went on. For a good hour. Just an intense Question and Answer. Maybe even longer. She asked him anything. And then suddenly we got onto the subject of sports. I had forgotten about Jake being there even. But in between a question he jumped in.

"Do you play guitar?" He asked.

His voice was something I rarely ever heard. I'm not even sure how that came up. But maybe he heard the question about being in a band. But I looked at Jake. Sort of surprised. It usually takes two weeks before he says anything to a stranger. Paul looked over at him. "Yes," He said.

Jake paused. Nodding. Then he went silent. Caitlyn jumped in again with another question. I was shocked Jake had even said anything. I wove my fingers into Paul's. And noticed Jake had put his legos down and inched closer to us. Moving up near us than from his corner.

In another pause I was caught off guard again by Jake. "Do you listen to emo music?" He asked Paul.

I covered my mouth to hide a smile. I stifled a laugh too. And Paul smiled a little. "Yeah," He said. "I listen to that music a lot."

"Did you give Rainie the tape that made her cry?"

And suddenly my spine stiffened. I tried my best not to show anything. I didn't look at Paul. I didn't want to. I felt his eyes on my shortly. "Yeah," He said. "I think so."

"Anna said you did." Jake said. I knew Jake didn't know anything about this. He didn't mean for it to sound that way. But in anyway the way he worded it and the way his small unfamiliar voice sounded- at least to me- made it sound like my crying wasn't a good thing. And knowing Anna had pinpointed me crying the other night to a little tape was beyond me. But he squeezed my hand lightly.

Caitlyn was quiet too. She knew crying wasn't a good thing. But somehow of all things. Jake changed the subject. "Did you play football?"

Paul blinked. "Yeah," He said. "Up until last year."

"I'm going to play football," He said. "Bill says he's going to teach me how to play. And then he'll sign me up soon s I'm old enough."

And suddenly everything picked up again. It was just Paul and Jake talking about football. Which shocked me. "Do you have a favorite team?" Paul asked Jake.

And without hesitation. "The Bears," He said. That was my dad's favorite team. That's why. Jake watches sports with my dad a lot. And my dad favors all the Chicago teams because that's where he's from. "Do you like them?"

Paul shrugged. "They're alright." He said. "Not the greatest team ever, but they are pretty good." I sat back. Listening. I didn't make comments. And Caitlyn got off of her couch and came over to me. Climbing up next to me and leaning against me. My arm around her. She ha been quiet since Jake had asked Paul about the tape. And I hadn't said much either.

* * *

Queenie was going to be home in a half hour, but Paul had to go to work. So I left the kids in the living room to say goodbye to him. We went to the front door and went out onto the porch. I kissed him. But he kissed me softly. A perfect kiss.

And then he looked at me. His hands sliding around my waist. My hands moved around his neck. Just looking back at him. I felt so small. In that split second before he said anything to me. I felt tiny but still I felt like I was under a microscope. His eyes the nicest shade of green. "I'll call you later," He said.

I kissed him shortly. "Okay," I said. He kissed me again. Pressing his lips against mine. And then we let go of each other and he started down my front walk. Leaving me behind on the porch. I slid my hands into my jean pockets, even though they barely fit. And inhaled the air warming up slightly for summer. Watching him. He waved saying goodbye one more time when he opened his car door. I waved back smiling a little.

He drove away. Our eyes meeting once right before he turned driving off in the opposite direction of me. He smiled a little. And I smiled back. Feeling my heart pounding. I didn't blame Jake for bringing up the tape. But I had a feeling Paul wouldn't bring it up in normal conversation. He'd just keep it to himself. Maybe ask me about it sometime in the future. But when I turned to go back inside. I sat on the couch. And pulled my feet up against my chest. Caitlyn coloring and watching TV. Jake in his corner. Looking at me sometimes. But still disconnected.

I felt so different suddenly. I only felt that for a few seconds, but I figured I was different. I wasn't the same person I was back when I was sixteen. And I wasn't the same person I was right after my mother died.

And I didn't really know why I felt so different all of a sudden.

* * *

**A/N: What did you think? Review please. I'm trying to update as much as I can.**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

I went up to my locker. Jess-ee-cah waiting for me. She looked at me. "How did it go?" She asked. Honestly it went great. My parents want to meet Paul. They listened to everything about him. But I sat there silently picking at my food. Listening to Caitlyn going on. Repeating facts I knew long before. Things I just knew somehow. And it was weird hearing Caitlyn saying everything I already knew.

Maybe I'd be feeling differently if I didn't know half of these things. But I knew everything. And I still knew more. Jake talked. About Paul and how he played football too. And Queenie had me later explain to her that Jake had talked to Paul.

Making her and my father insist even more that I bring him home to introduce him. They wanted to know him so much. Now they knew so much about him other than the fact he was my emo boyfriend who had a black SUV and had me running out and on the phone all the time.

"Good," I said smiling.

She made a face. "Come on," She said. "It couldn't have been that bad."

I laughed. "It wasn't." I said. "I liked having him over."

"Next you'll be bringing him home to Queenie and Bill, huh?" She said smiling. "And you say you're not getting serious over this guy."

I looked at her. "What's been the most serious relationship you've ever had?" I asked putting a hand on my hip waiting. I doubted it would be any more serious than Paul and I.

She paused. Shrinking back a little. Loosing confidence. "His name was Brian," She said. "He was my boyfriend sophomore year. Six months." She looked at the ceiling. "Almost seven. He moved to Chicago."

I nodded. And was quiet. This was a touchy subject.

"What about you?" She asked. "Who was you're big first guy for everything?"

I swallowed. His image popped into my head. I looked into my locker. Feeling a shock. It still hurt thinking about Jayme. That was his name. "I don't want to talk about it." I said softly.

She's known there was someone like Jayme in my life. When we were drunk once she got me to talk about it, and I remember just crying and saying he hurt me. And that was all I got out. I get emotional when I'm drunk and really messy. But she let it go, and we went to advisory. No questions asked.

* * *

After school I slipped my hand into his and kissed his cheek. We were going to IHOP of course. It was Friday. And we walked to his car. I teased him about his Honors Math Class and he just ignored me best he could. Everyone didn't pay attention to us walking. They just let us go by. I felt people's eyes on us as we were further away. But I couldn't stop them from looking.

In his car I was taking over. Not in big ways but small ways. Not like there was my stuff everywhere but I had all my radio stations saved on his dashboard. And his CDs in his car were picked out with me in mind. Oasis and Smashing Pumpkins. All of Sunday Drive. And any other CD I knew he had I was ever in the mood to play the day before. The passenger seat was adjusted for me. A little more forward and tilted back. And the CDs were in order by band which I did whenever I went through them. On his dashboard he still had tape form when I taped a picture I took of him with my newer disposable camera of him talking mid-sentence. It was bad. He ripped it up and threw it onto the highway for some lifeless hobo to come around and put the puzzle together of Paul in the middle of telling me to stop doing something that irritated him.

He honestly had little to do in my life outside of everything. He was talked about at dinner every night. I was always with him. All I had were those pictures of him and a ticket from that show we went to. Nothing that would stay in my life for long. All of it could be easily removed. I guess the same was for him. But I figured he wouldn't notice the small imprints I made in his car.

At IHOP we were regulars. Hated among waitresses except for the older one that had been our first waitress. She always smiled a little watching us like a movie. Watching him sigh heavily as I went on about something until he stopped talking to me and was busy staring at the table or fiddling with something waiting for me to finally win.

We walked in. Our waitress coming over and smiling. Sitting us automatically in the two person booth in the back against the window. A woman with a screaming little girl and baby shot us dirty looks.

The reason, I think, we're hated is because we hang around an hour or more after we eat. They pace. They clear out all the tables around us. And Paul starts noticing by the first hour. It depends on how obnoxious they are and what we're talking about for how much longer we stay. Once we were there for four hours. And then they asked us to leave saying they needed the tables.

But we sat in our normal place. Not opening our menus and two minutes later the woman just asked us what we wanted and we said what we both always got. Me: chocolate chip. Him: strawberries and whipped cream (Boring). And we were given coffee and we started talking. Today he started the conversation with something new.

"Sunday Drive's coming to the city in a few weeks." He said. "Do you want to go?" He knew the answer. Before knowing there was such thing as the show or anything at all. He knew I'd want to go. I was obsessed. It was one of our favorite bands and one of the things we always agreed on. He knew I'd want to go.

My eyes widened. "We have to." I said.

He nodded. "I'll get tickets." He sipped his coffee.

"Have you seen them before?" I asked.

He nodded. "Once," He said. "I went with some friends of mine. This kid Aaron I met there- goes to this private school- has seen them like four times. He said he knew a kid who lived in Kerrington whose seen them at least fifteen times."

I opened my mouth and said it without thinking. "That was probably Bennett Williams." I said. We haven't talked much, me and Bennett. But I knew for a fact that when he saw me at a party looking for Paul when I heard a Sunday Drive song he had to ask. He was beyond obsessed with them.

But Paul didn't seem to care that I brought up Bennett. Rumors have been getting worse and worse. I had a feeling he was getting a little nervous about us. Especially with the details. The stories always included things like I hooked-up with Bennett in the church while Paul's band played. I got drunk at a party and while Paul was getting his car I hooked up with Bennett again. They always dragged Paul into it now which never happened even when I was with Kenny and the rumors first started.

All he did was nod. "Yeah," He said. "Probably."

I looked at Paul. He looked really honest all of a sudden. Just looking around the restaurant. His elbows on the table, and his hands were covering one another and covering his mouth. His eyes were elsewhere. But I just looked at him. Feeling that different feeling. I looked down at my cup of coffee. The cream making a shape on the surface. I took a sip and watched it change completely right before my very eyes.

* * *

**A/N: Short, but neccessary. Predictions for what's in store for first-time readers? Predictions for what I'm adding to this rewrite?**

_I'll be making a new PenName and posting a "Last Place" rewrite in the future. I'm going to be writing it for another month or so before posting it. But jsut for a head's up._


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"Take a left." He said.

I adjusted the phone to my other ear. "Which left?" I said.

"What kind of question is that?" He asked.

I sighed leaning back, holding the wheel. "Yours or mine." I said.

He sighed back. "Yours." We've been at this for a while. I took another left. Calling him a half hour ago lost and confused. And he was talking me out of it all to his house. "Then keep going until you pass a big rock."

"How big is the rock?" I asked.

He sighed. I could tell I was aggravating him but I needed to be specified because the last big rock wasn't the right one. "As big as your car." He said. His dad had taken his car without telling him and we were going to IHOP then a party. Which is why I was getting lost in the upper-class side of Kerrington.

"I see it!" I said.

"Go down that driveway follow it around to the back of my house." He said. I heard shuffling. He was probably getting up. "You don't have to knock, just come in."

I looked ahead of me. Silent and staring. "Your house is huge." I said. "Holy-"

"I'll see you in three seconds, okay?" He said.

"Kay," I said, he hung up and I did too. Looking at it. It looked really old. It was huge though. Four times the size of my house. It was like the castle of Kerrington. It had those cone-shaped tower-like rooms branching off of it and it had a wrap around porch. I pulled up and got out. Looking up at the sky. It was graying. The blue sky filling with rain clouds. I walked up staring at the house. He didn't tell me his parent's were freaking loaded.

The front door was huge and made of glass. I hesitated opening it. But I went in. Looking around inside. The walls were a cool green and there were plants and paintings. No pictures of him anywhere. It looked small inside. I didn't know what to do. I waited for him to pop out of nowhere. But he didn't. I felt awkward. I hoped only he was home.

I didn't want to say his name either if someone in his family was home too.

So I stood there. Taking out my phone to call him. I looked down finding his number. "Hi?"

I looked up, scared slightly. But it was just a girl. She was shorter than me by a few inches. She was tanned and had dark hair. She looked a lot like Paul. She was pretty. Looking at me probably wondering who I was. I hoped to God I had found the right large rock.

"Hi," I said. "Um, is-"

She paused looking at me. "Please tell me you're Paul's girlfriend." She said in a low voice her eyes wide. She threw me off there.

I smiled a little. "Yeah," I said. "That's me."

She smiled coming over to me. "I'm Caroline." She said. "His sister you probably didn't know existed."

I was a little relieved. A little. I've never met anyone's family members since junior high. So I felt suddenly nervous. I wanted her to like me. She probably thought I was a creep. "Hello," I said. I hoped she didn't hear my voice shaking slightly.

"I'm so sorry," She said. "I just found out about you like a week ago, I don't know your name."

I paused. "I'm Rainie," I said.

And suddenly she smiled again warm and opening her arms up. She hugged me. "It's so nice to meet you." She said. "Thank God you're normal." She pulled away like this was natural. "The last one was a complete-"

"Caroline," It was Paul. "Did you see-"

"Hold on a minute," She yelled over her shoulder. Then she looked back at me. "Gothic maniac. She came over for dinner once and wouldn't let him eat meat. She tried to make him vegan, which is impossible."

I laughed a little. I haven't heard much about the other girlfriends he's had other than the time Jess told me about them and when he mentioned having a song before with a girl. "I'm not making him vegan." I put my hands up in surrender. "Don't worry."

She laughed. "Good."

Paul had been calling to her. Asking if my silver car went by. But she had ignored him. His voice closer and closer. He started coming down the stairs. He looked from me to Caroline. But Caroline kept talking.

"How long have you guys been seeing each other?"

"Two months," I said.

She turned suddenly aware of his presence. He started down the rest of the stairs. "Two months, Paul?" She said firmly. "And you never told me about her?"

I smiled. I liked Caroline. "I did," He said. "I've said her name a hundred times you don't listen to anyone but yourself."

She rolled her eyes looking to me. "Has he told you anything about me?" She asked.

I nodded. "Yes he has." I said. Paul exchanged a look with me as Caroline said something else.

He looked at me. "I told you to go out back, how long have you been here?" He asked.

I paused. "Like three minutes," I said.

He pointed to the stairs. "I need to get my phone really fast," He said. "Do you want to come upstairs?"

"Sure," I said. I looked at Caroline. "It was nice meeting you."

She smiled. "Nice meeting you too." She said. I started walking following Paul upstairs. I was familiar to this part. The going upstairs. The family part wasn't my motif. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw some gesture. Something about me obviously, but Paul just stepped out of the way letting me go up first.

I did, he followed a few steps behind. His room was on the third floor- mind you, my house is only two floors. His three with a finished basement too. But his room shocked me with how unlived in it looked. There weren't clothes everywhere or anywhere. It was all tucked away somewhere else. Not even because of me. The way the room looked told me he hadn't changed anything for me coming up here. There was a mirror that looked barely used with tickets poking out all around it. And there was a guitar in the corner on a stand. But if it had been shown to me before knowing it was Paul's I would have never know.

I walked through it, the door to the other half of his room was open. I looked in seeing a bed, unmade which made it look sort of lived in and another vanity with his cell phone on it and there was a drawer open. It looked like a hotel even with these small evidences of life. He was looking for his phone. "Your phone's in here." I said.

He looked over at me. "Oh," He said. "Thanks." He started to walk past me but I caught him. Moving my hands around his neck. He stopped his moving to my waist. We kissed in the doorway in between his two rooms.

"I liked Caroline." I said pulling away to say that.

He kissed me again. His lips soft against mine. A perfect kiss. I leaned back against the doorframe, but he pulled away, smiling at himself for teasing me this way. And went on getting his phone like nothing even happened. I looked around. "Hey," I said. "Where are those pictures of me?"

Now he had seven after the new batch of pictures. He checked his phone, shutting it and putting it in his back pocket. "Why?" He asked.

"Because I have one of you in my room," I had it tucked it in my mirror like the tickets he had in his. There were a lot of tickets. All to shows I assumed he went to. "You need to have one too."

He sighed. Walking over to this table beside his bed. It wasn't a creepy way. They were just sitting there next to the made side of his bed. A stack facedown. He flipped through them taking one out and handing it to me.

I walked over to his mirror. Sliding the tickets out of the way to make room. I slid it in, and looked at it. Ready to turn around but suddenly he was right there. Sliding his hands around my waist behind me in the mirror. I looked at him through the mirror. He kissed the top of my head and looked at us. "How's that?" He asked.

I smiled. "Perfect." And he looked at the picture. I did too. It wasn't a usual picture of me. I'm not that photogenic. I always look pale and frozen. Posed when I'm not. But suddenly that picture looked different. I wasn't looking at the camera I was looking at the person looking through it at me. And that made all the difference in the picture. I turned around looking at Paul.

He just looked at me. The way he did before our first kiss. Making me feel microscopic and like nothing. His eyes searching mine. I just looked back. Not so scared of how small I felt. I just felt that different feeling inside of me. Closing my eyes when he kissed my forehead.

* * *

"What would you do if..." I stirred my coffee. "I threw this coffee in your face?"

He rolled his eyes. "Why would you?" He asked.

"What if I had random arm convulsions and I was holding my coffee and it happened?" I asked. "You wouldn't break up with me would you?"

"Is it cold?" He asked.

I sipped. Nodding. "Mm-hmm,"

He paused. "I would leave." He said.

"How? I drove you here." I said.

"I'd call Jack to come get me." He said.

"Spinella!" We both looked. There was the short stubby looking kid named Aaron I met at the first Caustic show I had ever gone to. He waved. The tall kid beside him looking around. Seeing us he waved too. Paul waved. And looked back at me.

Then suddenly I saw Bennett just behind them. He lifted a hand in a wave to me. I did the same. Catching Paul's attention. He looked in Bennett's direction and I swear they made eye contact. And of course I met eyes with Sean. Who just looked at Paul and I ducking his head. Awkward moments aren't my best.

I looked back at Paul. Who was sipping his coffee. I changed the subject. "What would you do if I asked you to marry me?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'd say no." He said.

My mouth fell open. I faked complete shock. And he smiled a little. "If you were my life I'd kill myself." He said. "You'd bug the shit out of me with these stupid questions."

I faked being hurt by this. Looking down into my coffee. He smiled sipping his coffee again. And I leaned onto my arm scratching the cheap table top. He rolled his eyes. "you're such a drama queen." He said under his breathe. "Fine, I'd say yes."

I smile. "You mean it?" I said smiling.

He shrugged.

"Will you marry me Paul Spinella?"

He looked out the window into the rain. His eyes remaining there as he sighed. He looked at me. "Yes," He said. Rainie: 100. Paul: 0.

"Do you want to go to that party?" I asked sitting up.

"Sure," He said. We got up leaving the bill behind walking past the crowd of Bennett's friends. I made eye contact with Bennett. Who sat there looking very small watching us. His mouth a thin line. And he didn't do anything. He just watched us pass.

* * *

I had too much to drink. Not a lot, but I was a little buzzed. I moved my arms around his neck and kissed him, he must have tasted the beer on my lips and pulled back smiling. Taking my hands and weaving his fingers into them. "Hi," He said.

"Hi," I said. I haven't been drunk for a while, maybe the last time I was I was with Sean. Which seemed forever ago when I thought about my life before I knew Paul the way I do now.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Mm-hmm." I said. "I'm great!" I smiled.

"I noticed." He said looking around. "Do you want to go?"

I shook my head. "No." I said. I looked behind me. "I have to find Jess-ee-cah." I broke free of him and stumbled, almost falling. He caught my hand. Pulling me so I fell into his arms. I smiled. "Oops, I'm sorry." I laughed a little. And he slid his hand around my waist walking me in the direction of the door.

He managed to get the keys off of my belt loop without me noticing. And got me to the garage door. I didn't know why he was doing this. I could have handled myself. But it was raining. Heavily. I paused, getting my sweatshirt on right. He was walking out into the rain. A silhouette in the rain looking back at me. I walked forward to him stumbling again. I told you: I'm a mess when I'm even a little drunk.

And he caught me again. His arms moving around me. I kissed him. My lips finding his somehow gracefully. And he kissed me back. I had never kissed a boy in the rain before. I was getting wet. My hands in his hair. He pulled away, sliding his arm around my waist again. He kissed my temple and told me to come on.

When we got to my car I was soaking wet. My hair and my sweatshirt. He climbed into the driver's side. I looked at him smiling. "We look like twins." I said. Holding up a waving wet piece of hair. His was the same dark shade as mine.

He sighed rolling his eyes backing out. "Sure," He said. And he started driving comfortable in this car suddenly. I leaned back looking at him. And he was driving. I remember suddenly smiling. "I love the rain," I said.

"Me too,"

"My mother, I think named me after it." I said. I closed my eyes picturing her. It was getting even harder now. "I wouldn't know though, I'm starting to forget why she named me it. She told me once when I was little."

He was just driving. The car silent except for us because I didn't have any CDs or a CD player. Just bad radio channels. "Why don't you ask her?" He asked.

I shook my head. "I can't." I said. "She can't answer me."

He looked at me. I'm just remembering this best I can. My mind was fuzzy with beer. "Asking Queenie?" He said.

I shook my head closing my eyes again. "She doesn't know. She never would. My dad doesn't even know why my mother named me after rain."

He paused. "She wouldn't forget I don't think." His voice was so soothing and calm. But I just shook my head. He was confused suddenly.

"Only my mother knows." I said. "Queenie has no idea. She thinks its just another fucked up part of me."

Then Paul was quiet. I looked at him. And just looked at him. His hair soaked like mine. I swallowed. "I never kissed a boy in the rain until tonight." I said softly.

He looked at me smiling a little. "Did you think it was overrated?" He asked.

I shook my head my eyebrows furrowed. "Totally not." I said.

He pulled into a parking lot. "Do you want to get some coffee?" He asked. There was no 'No' to this. We were here and he was obviously sobering me up. I nodded.

And he got out. I opened my door and got out. I shut my door hurrying after him into the coffee-shop. He held the door open for me and walked with me to a little table. He got coffee and I sat there. The girl at the register making him coffee had a lip ring. I ran my lip over where it was. Where mine used to be. I had forgotten I had had a lip ring just like hers.

I watched Paul. He came over giving me a coffee. And I sipped it. It burned my tongue but it was really good coffee. I told him so. "I used to work here." He said.

"I worked at Starbucks." I said. "We beat this place's sorry ass."

He laughed. Sipping his own coffee. I leaned onto my arm. "I'm really cold," I said. I looked around. Rubbing my arms. He took off his sweatshirt passing it to me. I stared at it. "No," I said. "Then you'll be cold."

"Don't worry." He said.

I took it. Slipping it on, it was too big for me and baggy but it was warm. Holding most of his body heat on it. It was second best to being in his arm and warming up that way. But we didn't talk about much until finally I was fine. Normal again. I looked at him. My head pounding slightly.

We left after that. I gave him his sweatshirt back. Which smelled like him mixed with the smell of rain. I stopped in the parking lot, looking at him. He stopped holding his hand out to me. I felt weird being drunk during my first kiss in the rain. Not sure it even happened or the conversation after it.

So I moved closer to him, kissing him. He kissed me back. We got more wet than before, but it made up. Making it my second kiss in the rain with the first boy I ever kissed in the rain ever. He kissed my forehead holding my hand. The water falling down on us soaked into my sweatshirt and my hair got even more wet. But I didn't realize how happy I was until I had dropped him off and driven off on my own watching him disappear into the door behind his house.

He didn't watch me drive away like I always had to watch him.

* * *

**A/N:** _Re-written halfway through. And then again. Sorry for those I promsied it in a little while and took much longer :\ but I hope you guys like it._ **Reviewreviewreview please, I'll have an update tomorrow too hopefully.**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

The next day Jess-ee-cah showed up at my house. She walked up to my room finding me looking at the picture I had of Paul in my mirror. It was the one where he was looking at me. Not the camera. I didn't understand how he could look so honest and real. Just looking at me. "Hey," She said.

"Hi," I said.

"Are you as hung over as I am right now?" She shut the door.

I shook my head. "Paul took me to get coffee last night." I said. "I got home sober." I put it back in my mirror and turned watching her collapse onto my now made bed.

"So he doubles as your life and your designated driver?" She asked. "Where can I get one?"

I smiled. "You have a friend that doubles as a free hook-up." I said. "You don't need one."

She laughed. She picked her head up. Leaning onto her elbow looking at me. "So he took care of you and stuff?" She asked. "I mean like got your car keys and put up with you and sobered you up and shit? Gina was right about the whole liking you thing. This guy's practically in love with you."

I shook my head. "I feel more serious about us than him." I said. "He's usually so annoyed with me he can't stand me." I picked at a nail polish stain on my vanity I was leaning against looking at Jessicah. "I would do the same thing for him if he was drunk."

Then Jessicah studied me. Her eyes hard looking at me. "So you're saying if Paul was completely wasted," She said. "You'd take care of him? Last time I checked you always conned boys off to their friends."

I shrugged. "I feel bad about last night." I said. "I didn't even feel like I was getting drunk. All I did was play quarters with you for three minutes."

She rubbed her eyes. She looked at me. "Have you slept with him yet?" She asked suddenly. I looked at her steadily. "I'm just curious."

I picked the bright pink stain on my vanity again. The old nail polish I always wore but used up. Half the bottle was right there on my vanity. "No," I said. I was suddenly insecure about the fact that I hadn't. That I have been seeing Paul for two months and we have only done from the waist up.

"If he asked you to, would you?" She asked.

I looked at her. "Do I really need to answer that?" I asked. She didn't saw anything. She just waited. I crossed my arms shrugging one shoulder. "Yeah."

She looked at me. Behind me, probably at the picture of him. "Face it," She said smiling a little. "You're helplessly in love with Paul Spinella."

I rolled my eyes walking over and collapsing onto the empty half of my bed. I looked at my ceiling. "I don't love him Jess," I said. "He's like my best friend, but I'm too young to love anyone. I mean he's the first relationship I've had like this..."

"Where he actually cares about you." She said. "And he'll take care of you when you're drunk and he'll put up with you."

I looked at her. "Yeah," I said. "It's only been two months."

She nodded. Staying quiet. "You hanging out with him today?" She asked sitting up.

"No," I said.

"Come on," She said. "Let's go to the mall and not be interrupted by Jacob freaking out because I'm not folding pretzels fast enough." I smiled getting up. That sounded good. It was like me and Jess-ee-cah before Paul.

* * *

We went into her favorite clothes store. I threw a pair of jeans over the door and she screeched as they fell down on top of her. "Rain!" She said. "God, I don't even have pants on right now."

I laughed sitting down in the chair across from the mirrors. I saw myself in them. I looked at myself. Something was different. My cheeks were flushed slightly. And I had color to me. I was smiling a little differently. My hair was longer. I played with my bangs. "I have to cut my bangs when I get home." I said. "They're getting too long."

"Get a haircut." She said. "We're at the mall Rainie. It's five bucks for a walk-in before one at Super Cuts."

I looked at myself in the mirror. "You think I should go shorter again?" I asked. "My hair grows fast anyways."

She came out with a mice pair of jeans on and a tank-top that showed off her boobs. I raised my eyebrows. "For Thomas?" I asked.

She turned looking at her jeans. "To make him jealous," She said. "He's been talking to Lisa Chamberlain. Now she's got some boobs. She's such a slut."

I laughed. "Friends-with-benefits can't be jealous of each other." I said. "It shouldn't matter."

Then she went back into the room. "Yeah, but we can have come competition. He's got three dates in the next week. I've got two." She said. "And unlike you and your boyfriend, we aren't just being all lovey-dovey about each other."

I rolled my eyes. She came out throwing the tank top at me. Looking at herself in a pair of skinny jeans. "Are these cute?" She asked.

I nodded. "I really like them." I said. I stuck the tank-top on the arm chair. Pulling my legs up to my chest. She checked the price tag. "Sweet, twenty bucks. I'm getting them." She said.

We went back and forth catching up. I didn't talk a lot about Paul. I didn't think she was interested. He had band practice today but was texting me telling me nothing was happening. They were just hanging around. Not even practicing.

We walked by Super Cuts, and she stopped. "Do you want to cut your hair?" She asked.

The weird part was I thought about Paul. I figured I shouldn't care what he thought. He never complimented how I looked, I think he didn't really care about those things. I shrugged. And went inside while she went to a store to try on another pair of jeans.

"Hair Stylists" are always funny. They wear bright pink lip glosses and chomp on gum with hair in his poof-y buns and cake on cover-up. They have crazy glasses with beads hanging them around their necks. They ask you: "What do you want, Hun?"

I got about four inches off not noticing my hair getting so long. And she cut my bangs. My hair was layered already and she layered it again. Complimenting on how pretty I was and how good my hair was. I have the same hair my mother did except a lot darker because of my dad. That's where we had our one difference. Our hair color. But seeing myself in the mirror, I always looked new.

My phone buzzed in my pocket again. Paul. I answered, realizing and being sure he wouldn't care at all about something like this. I'd be surprised if he noticed. But I started to meet Jessicah. "Mrs. Spinella!"

I turned and Bennett was walking towards me. He smiled. "And don't you look extra pretty today." He said in a girly voice.

I laughed. "Thanks." I said flipping my hair jokingly.

He got nearer to me. "Is Paul working? I never see you around the mall ever."

I shook my head. "Band practice," I said. Bennett had been to a few of the past Caustic shows I've been to. Three out of the five I've seen and they've had since Paul and I started dating. "I'm here with my friend Jess-ee-cah."

"I'm just heading into work." He said. "Busy day. Big sale on crappy artist's albums."

I smiled. "Like stuff on the radio?" I said happily. "And everyone that isn't at all like you listens to."

He wrinkled his nose nodding. Walking past us was a girl with pink hair and her friend who was small and more conservative looking. It's weird how sometimes opposites attract in such weird ways. Bennett looked back at them. The pair made more a show than the pink girl's hair. But he turned back forward looking at the cell phone booth we passed.

"Why didn't you say hi to me yesterday?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Come on." I said. "You usually at least text me or say hi."

He paused. "Because it was right in front of Sean. And he still looks a little hurt when he sees you and Paul Spinella in love all over the place." He turned that into a little joke. But I only smiled a little.

"I'm not in love with him." I said. "I mean we are kind of serious, but nothing huge like that." I looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry if I made things awkward between you and Sean."

He shrugged. "Whatever," He said. "I guess that's how everything turns out sometimes."

We kept walking coming up to the CD store. Big signs saying 'Sale' everywhere. There were a lot of people inside. Flocking the sale's rack. I smiled. "You weren't kidding." I said. "You guys have a huge sale today or what?"

He sighed. "Yeah," He said. "I have to go sell CDs to people with awful taste." I stopped walking and he kept going on. "See you Mrs. Spinella!"

I laughed. Waving goodbye. I turned realizing I had passed the store Jessicah was in by at least seven stores. I found her walking out with a bag. "Hey," She said. "You're hair looks good. Wait until Paul sees it," She nudged me. "He'll be all over you."

There was really nothing to say to that. I rolled my eyes and we walked to the Orange Julius and got fruit smoothie things. I had a weird craving for Strawberries. The moment I tasted the Strawberries mixed with the whipped cream they topped each smoothie with I instantly thought of how Paul's mouth tasted after we were at IHOP. I looked at my smoothie. And then pushed those thoughts out of my head. Going back to the girl walking beside Jess-ee-cah.

I jumped taking my phone out when Paul texted me. She looked at the message, smiling. "Can you not talk to him all the time?" She asked. "All you do is text him. It's ridiculous."

I rolled my eyes answering his message. Almost walking into an old man who smiled and said he was sorry letting me pass instead of telling me to watch where I was going. I sighed and sent the message. Knowing I'd be jumping to answer him again any second.

* * *

**A/N: There was a guest appearence in this, I don't know if anyone piced up on it, it was pretty subtle, but you gotta squint to see it. So people look for it, first one gets a super surprise! (Just kiding there is no surprise, but don't let that uninspire you)**


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

I walked into the house, peaking into the living room. Queenie on the couch. Her hands running across her expanding stomach. Jake curled up beside her. "Hi," I said smiling.

"Hi," Queenie said.

"Is Paul coming over?" Jake asked suddenly. His eyes strangely hopeful. I always knew him to be so quiet. To be sitting there ignoring me watching the TV. They were watching a cooking show. But he looked at me. Right at me. Something new.

I shook my head. "Not tonight," I said. "But soon maybe."

He nodded and looked back at the TV. Back to normal for him. And Queenie looked at my hair. "You cut your hair?" She raised her eyebrows.

I nodded, running my fingers through it. "Just a few inches off." I said. "Nothing big."

"It looks nice," She smiled.

I looked around the living room seeming devoid of something. "Where's Caitlyn?" I asked. My eyes traveling to where she would be sitting drawing or talking. Ready to pounce on me and tell me about her day, which I'd be happy to listen to.

"She went next door." Queenie said.

"Oh," I said watching the small cook on the screen throw a fish into the air and catch it in a pan. "Cool." I looked down at the bag in my hand. "I'm going to go upstairs.'

Jake looked at me. His eyes meeting mine just as I turned away. I felt a part of this family. I wasn't sure exactly about the conversation I had had last night with Paul. I had talked about my mother. Which I had never done in front of anyone really. She was mine. A part of me. I knew Paul knew that all of my siblings now were my step-siblings. It was weird thinking he probably assumed Queenie was my mother. Or something.

Maybe he just didn't understand. But I figured I had to just wait for him to bring it up along with Jake asking him about the tape that had made me cry. I didn't want to wait, I didn't know if I could even trust Paul with everything about my mother. I didn't think anyone wanted to hear about something like that. And I didn't know if I could get it out of me.

Even if it was just Paul. I looked in the mirror seeing the differences coming out clearer on the outside of me. I had a new color to me. My hair was shorter. I was smiling a little more. My natural face had a curved line upwards in place of m mouth. I hung up my new pair of jeans and folded my new shirt sticking it in a drawer. My phone buzzed and I opened another text message from Paul.

Answering it in record time.

I saw that picture of him again. The one where he was just looking at me. Sunday Drive wasn't too far away and I realized how hard it had been for me to just try and go back to my life without him a huge part of it.

But I answered his text messages trying to do my math homework. Trying so hard not to give up, but I tend to on things I don't understand. Math was like Swahili to me. I didn't understand it at all. So I closed my book and lay back. Giving up.

* * *

I got into his car. Shutting the door behind me. "Hey," I said. I leaned in to kiss him. "What's new?"

He looked a little tired. We had been talking late on the phone. But he just looked at me for a few seconds. "Did you cut your hair?" I didn't think he would have noticed. He doesn't seem like the guy that would notice and say something.

I nodded. "Yesterday," I said.

He nodded pulling away from the curb. "It looks good."

I smiled a little. And sat back. He was on the ninth track of the Sunday Drive record. We didn't talk much because he was tired, so we just listened. His fingers tapping sometimes on the steering wheel. We were getting close to the school. And suddenly it started playing.

He looked over at me. I turned away from him looking out the window leaning onto my arm. He reached over touching my knee. "Are you okay?" He asked.

I looked at him. "Yeah," I said. "I'm fine." This song hurt. I couldn't listen to Paul's tape all the way through. I didn't know if this song was the end or not because I always hit rewind to the beginning starting over.

"You seem quiet." He said.

I looked ahead. Listening. I didn't know what he would do if I leaned forward and hit eject. He'd ask me about the song. And the only way to explain it was talking about my mother which even with Paul wasn't right for now. I took his hand from my knee and held it. Squeezing it as soon as my hand was safe within his. He squeezed my hand back pausing at a stoplight. He kissed my temple. And his thumb made small circles against my skin.

That song killed me on the inside. And I didn't want him to see that because of all people he'd pick up on that.

When the record ended we were pulling into his parking space. I started getting out when he pulled his keys out of the ignition. But he took my hand again, pulling me gently back. He kissed me. His lips stealing my breathe and making it all fade away. I closed my eyes kissing him back. My heart speeding. And I instantly felt better.

He moved away. My eyes opening slowly. And I just looked at him. He looked so honest. I smiled a little. Kissing him quickly before we both got out. His hand sliding around my waist as we walked up to the school. I leaned against him. Feeling like I belonged there.

* * *

I was in Math working. Or trying to focus. The chair beside me slid out. And suddenly I heard it. "Hello Rainie!" I looked up. Shelly Harris.

"Hi," I said. I looked back at my book. Writing down another equation on my paper. And plugging all these numbers into it.

"I saw you and Paul this morning," She said smiling like it was worth telling me. "I thought you looked really cute together actually. I'm sorry about all the stuff I've said about you and Paul."

I nodded. "Mm-hmm." I kept writing. Punching in numbers really hard in my calculator.

"I saw you in the mall over the weekend..." She said smiling cleverly. "I said hi but you didn't hear me."

And suddenly I froze knowing what she was going to bring up without her even saying it. "I saw you and Bennett though." She said. "I was just wondering..."

"No, I'm not cheating on Paul." I said firmly looking at her. "Besides why would you even care?"

She shrugged. "No reason," She said. "I've heard about you and Bennett a lot lately. I was just worried if Paul was hearting about the same things I have, because I don't think it'd be a good thing if heard half the things I have."

I shook my head. "Just shut up Shelly." I said. "I don't care."

And she stared at me for a few seconds. Getting up and walking away. Mumbling "bitch" under her breath as she did so. I just stared hard at her looking down. I looked at the smart kid sitting a few seats away from me. "Hey John," I said. "Can you help me?"

He turned suddenly at the sound of my voice. He smiled blushing a little. "Sure," He said. He came over and sat in the open chair beside me looking at the mess I made of the problem I was working on. I needed a tutor, but I had Paul. Which was even better.

* * *

**A/N: **_Uneventful I know. Review. I promise more updates. 1/3 updates completed so far today._


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

"Rain," He said firmly grabbing my hand and squeezing it. Wednesday's were always rough on him. "Please, go talk to Jessicah or something. He's getting pissed." Steve was walking around jumping from place to place fixing everything Paul did except for his folded sweaters of which Steve complimented.

I sighed. "Fine," I said. I kissed him. He kissed me back and he let go of my hand. Watching me walk out. I turned walking backwards. I blew him a kiss and he just sighed shaking his head. Rainie: 127. Paul: 0.

The mall wasn't busy. Next week it would be booming. I could barely believe it was June. Girls in school were freaking out about Prom and running around spazzing out about dresses and dates. I would have been indifferent.

But Sunday Drive fell on the same date. So we were going to that instead. Naturally Sunday Drive came before a stupid dance where we'd watch girls get drunk and sulk around because they realized prom was a complete bust. I've been to three proms actually. Not that I'm proud of it. But in my old town I went to a public school one and two private school ones. I knew how much of a bust it was.

I walked to the Pretzel Shack expecting Jess-ee-cah to be screaming at Jacob as usual. But I was greeted by this: "Rainie!" from an excited grinning Jessicah.

"Jess!" I said back in the same voice jokingly.

"Guess what just happened?" She said smiling like an idiot. I went up to the counter. Faking all of the enthusiasm to match hers.

"What?"

She smiled calming down a little to tell. "Thomas just asked me out." She said. "Not like you-should-go-to-this-party-this-weekend, he asked me to Prom!"

Jessicah had about three guys in line for Prom. She was planning to pick through them, but now she didn't seem to have to. "Really?" My eyebrows went up.

"Yeah," She said smiling. Then Jacob came out. He looked pissed. Not looking at Jess-ee-cah. "He just asked me like ten minutes ago, he showed up and just asked me and said it was an official date. None of that stupid friends-with-benefits crap."

I smiled at her. Poor Jacob; he had to have been standing right there when it happened. And here it was spelled out for her, I had been right all along, Jacob liked her. And here he was. Sulking around now sticking the now empty trash bin back where it was and going back out back. "That's good." I was pulling for Jacob. He's been flirting with her more lately. He was going to ask her to Prom I could tell.

"I'm so excited." She said. "I'm so mad you and Paul aren't going though."

I sighed. "We have to see Sunday Drive." I said.

She was still smiling. I felt even worse for Jacob. He had to see her smiling like this for the rest of the day. She folded pretzels really bad today. Being so happy was distracting her. They were all floppy and heart shaped. "My break's soon," She said. "Do you want to go get ice cream?"

I nodded. "Sure," I said.

She looked back. "Jacob can I go early?" She yelled.

There was silence. "Yeah," He said softer.

"Okay come on let's go." And she left. I looked back and saw Jacob walking out. He nodded at me. And I think he knew I knew. He was letting it show now. He really like Jess-ee-cah. Fuck Thomas.

* * *

The next day at school it was getting around that Bennett was hooking up with his ex-girlfriend. She was a bitch dating this football player who was probably in denial about the whole thing. But it was everywhere. Everyone was talking about it because of all things, the bitch had to go to Coolen. When Paul and I walked down the halls it was a good thing to know we weren't noticed by anyone.

Nobody cared if we were dating, they just went on talking. They talked for two days straight. And it was good to have a break from people like Shelly Harris but when I saw Bennett on Friday at his work I realized he wasn't doing too good.

I was walking with Paul. He just got out of work. And I saw Bennett. Walking. His shoulders slouching and his hands in his pockets. He looked awful. But he didn't see me. I knew he was playing a Kerrington party Paul and I were going to. But he looked like crap.

I texted him when we got in Paul's car. He didn't answer. Which made me a little nervous. I was worried about him. Paul and I went to IHOP. We talked about music. I fought him about Bright Eyes. But I kept thinking about Bennett.

At the party I managed to get away from Paul easily. He went to get me a drink and I found Bennett out back. Standing there smoking. "Hi," I shut the screen door behind me.

He turned surprised by my voice. "Hi," He said. He looked awful. So small and shaken by my voice.

"How are you?" I asked softly.

He paused looking at me. "Fine," His voice cracked.

I walked over to him looking out into the backyard same as he had been. He looked at me. I looked at him. "I heard what happened." I said.

He shrugged. "Figured." He said.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. His eyes have always been walled up. I had no idea what he was thinking. They were just thick walls of brown staring back at me.

"No," He said. He realized how mean he sounded. "I mean," He looked down. "I just don't want to think about it." He looked out over the yard. "She said she was going to break up with that guy, and I didn't know I was still hung up on her."

I nodded. "Are you okay?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'll get over this." He laughed a little. At himself. "I mean this happens a lot. I should get used to it."

I shook my head. "That's not true." I said. "Someday you're going to find a nice girl."

He shook his head. "I'm not a little kid Rainie." He said. "This is how it's supposed to be."

"I used to think the same thing." I said. "But I didn't let that eat me away. I got over it and everything fell into place."

He looked at me. "You found Paul." He said.

I paused. "Yeah," I said.

He shook his head. "That's not going to happen to me." He said. "I'm going to just keep being the one they sleep with and leave alone."

He was my friend. I felt so protective over him. I stepped closer to him wrapping my arms around him. He remained stiff in my arms for a few seconds but he hugged me back. It was weird hugging him. I felt so used to hugging Paul. He was so skinny compared to Paul. A little bit taller too. He smelled like smoke. I closed my eyes holding him for a few seconds. Being his friend. Moving away smiling a little at him.

He smiled back a little. Looking at me with his walled up eyes. And let go of me. He looked back into the house. Stiffening. "I have to go," He said. "I'll see you later."

I nodded. He started walking away and I watched him. I figured I should go find Paul. He was probably looking for me by now. I slipped back into the packed rooms. Finding him close by. He smiled at me weakly. Handing me my beer. I kissed him. Noticing suddenly how his lips tasted like something stronger than beer.

I caught a glimpse of his red cup- full of some colored drink. He wasn't drinking beer. That's for sure.

And as the night went on it got worse. I didn't know what was wrong with him now. He left me a lot. Drinking more than I've ever seen him. He was cracking. I thought he was stronger than this, but he was cracking easily. I didn't even know why. He wouldn't talk to me directly.

"Rainie!" I turned Gina was cutting through the crowd to me. She looked at me pulling me to the side. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded. "I have to go find Paul-"

"It's about Paul." She said.

"I don't know what's wrong-" I started to say but she cut me off.

"No," She said. "He saw you and Bennett Williams." I froze. "Are you cheating on him?"

I shook my head. "No," My eyes widened. "He thinks I'm cheating on him?" That didn't make sense. I told him I wasn't cheating on him. Why would he think that?

She nodded looking at me. "He's so paranoid about you breaking up with him for that kid." She said. "He saw you with him."

I shook my head. "He just needed someone to talk to." I said. "It wasn't anything." She didn't believe me. She was believing what Paul said he saw, I understood. We were different people and she didn't know me much at all. I looked around. "I have to go find Paul."

"See you," She said.

I've never seen Paul drunk before. He hid it well if he was. But by now he was a mess. He was flushed and I went up to him. Taking his hand. "Can I talk to you?" I asked.

He blinked hard. "Sure," He said. I moved my hand into his other one too freeing his drink from it and putting it on the table close by. I took him upstairs to a room. I shut the door and he started kissing me. His mouth tasting thick with some kind of alcohol. I was so used to tasting it first hand. It wasn't beer, it was something stronger. I pushed him back.

I didn't know how to handle a guy when he was drunk and I wasn't. "What's wrong Paul?" I asked.

He looked at me and then stepped back. He paced. I looked at him waiting. I was improvising. He pointed at me. "I saw you with that fucking fag." He said. His voice was slow and messy. He slurred a little. Not much. But I didn't know how drunk he was.

I shook my head. "I was just being his friend." I said. "I wouldn't-"

"Why did you fucking have to pick me Rain?" He asked suddenly stopping. "Did that other kid you were fucking sleeping with before me bail out? I like you so-so-so-so-so-so much, Rain. It fucking hurts. I can't help it." He was splintering. Cracking. I hated seeing him like this. The Paul I knew wasn't like this. "That fucking fag, I'm going to kill the little fuck."

I moved closer to him. I moved my arms around him. I hated seeing him like that so much. He was so much stronger. He held me tight. His arms moving around me and he squeezed me. "I would never do that to you Paul." I said softly. "I like you so much. I've never liked a boy this much. I'd never cheat on you. Bennett is just my friend. He needed a friend."

And Paul was quiet. Holding me. Wrapping his arms around me twice I swear. I moved back. "Come on," I said. "Can I have you keys?"

He took them out of his pocket handing them to me. I kissed the corner of his mouth and took them. He stumbled a little down the stairs but we made it to his car. He sat in the passenger seat mumbling. I took out my cell phone climbing into the driver's seat. I dialed a phone number. I called three times.

"Rain, not now." It was Jess-ee-cah.

"No," I said. "Can you pretend I'm sleeping over you're house?"

She paused. There was a muffled sound and a voice. She moved away from it. "You staying over Paul's?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said. "So can I?"

"Sure," She said. "I know what to say if your parents call."

"Okay," I said. "See you."

"Bye, good luck." She hung up. I figured now wasn't a good time to correct her. I started his car. I was used to my little one. And so I tried to figure out how to drive this one. I tried figuring where everything was. The gas. The brakes. Reverse. I breathed.

And I started driving. I almost hit a mailbox right off the bat. I looked over at him, he was leaning back, his eyes closed. I reached over holding his hands. If he passed out I was fucked. I didn't know how to get him in his house then. But whenever I squeezed his hand he squeezed mine in response. And about a half hour longer than it would have taken had he driven instead of me, we made it to his house. Going out back like he always told me to.

He got out. And stumbled over a rock. I followed him. He mumbled a couple swears on his way to the door. I didn't know where he was going, but I figured if he got caught I'd have to explain. It wasn't the greatest way to meeting his family, but we went up a staircase. I went up behind him. He made it slowly.

They led right up to his bedroom door. He went inside collapsing onto his bed. I went in slipping into the other half of his room. I called my parents. Queenie answered. "Hi," I said. "Can I sleep over Jessicah's?"

She hesitated. "Sure," She said. "Is her mother home?"

"Yeah," I lied.

"When will you be home tomorrow?" She asked.

"Um, probably around ten or so." I looked back at the crack into the room Paul was in. I didn't know what I was planning on doing. I was making it all up as I went.

"Okay," She said. "See you tomorrow morning."

They trust me more now because of Paul I think. I walked into the other room. He was lying there not looking at me. I walked over to the other side and climbed on. He opened his eyes a little seeing me. He said something I didn't understand. His voice was deep and slurred even more. He was tired. "Mm-hmm."

I lay down. He mumbled something else. I listened to the syllables but it was hopeless trying to understand him. I laced my fingers into his and he said something else. "What?" I said softly.

"My head hurts." He said louder. I pushed hair out of his face. I moved closer to him. Holding him. He kissed my forehead. And mumbled something. Four syllables.

"Mm-hmm." I said softly.

He said something. His voice rising and falling. It vibrated in my ear and I felt it inside of me. I closed my eyes. I would hold him. When he said something occasionally I'd make soft sounds. And finally his breathes grew even. And calm. I listened to him breathe. Falling asleep too eventually.

I felt bad I couldn't have done anything better for him.

* * *

**A/N: Tell me what you think. Review Review Review.**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

The next morning I got up going into the other room. I called Jessicah asking her to come get me. She was hung over and pissed off by me calling so early. But she promised to come get me. I walked back into the other room as quietly as I could. He was sitting up. Holding his head in his hands. Probably feeling like crap.

He looked up and saw me. "Hey," He said in a low tired voice.

"Hi," I said softly. He was hung over and pale. His skin pasty and he rubbing his eyes. Pressing his hands against his forehead for a few seconds. I smiled weakly at him.

"Sorry," He said. His voice was so low. "'bout last night."

I shrugged. "It's okay." I said. He leaned back onto his arms. I went over to him moving my hands around his neck. His moved around my waist. He was still sitting down.

I kissed his forehead. "Go back to sleep." I said. "You look tired." I talked softly letting my voice run together. I've dealt with hung-over people more than drunk people.

He looked at me. "I'm sorry." He said again.

"It's okay." I said again smiling. I kissed him. And he kissed me back. I moved away letting go of him. "I'll see you later."

"I'll call you later." He said running a hand through his hair.

"Okay," I said softly. "Bye."

I walked out. Slipping down the stairs. I stood at the door waiting for Jess-ee-cah to pull up to get me. When she did I slipped out. Running my fingers through my hair one last time. I got in and she looked at me. Coffee in her hand. "Hey," She said. "How was it?"

I shrugged. "He was drunk," I said. "I had to take care of him."

She sighed. "You got me excited." She said. "Damn, why didn't you tell me you were just taking care of him?"

I shrugged and leaned looking out the window. She drove me home. I got out seeing Jesse's car in the driveway. But I didn't think he'd notice anything different. I went inside slipping up to my room where I showered. Washing the smell of alcohol off of me and the smell of Paul.

* * *

I went downstairs. I went into the kitchen to get something to drink. I was so thirsty. Jesse was in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. He studied me. "What were you up to last night?" He asked.

I looked at him plainly. "Nothing," I said. I took a glass out filling it with water. I was thinking about Paul. Knowing he probably wouldn't call me. I sipped, the cool water slipping down my throat. I could feel it.

He rolled his eyes. "My mom and Bill aren't even home. They're at a check-up." He said. I forgot about the check-up. Their eight-month check up. "Anna's the only one whose home. Don't worry I won't tell them."

I smiled. "Why would you even care?" I asked. I sipped the water again. It tasted so good today. There are just days when water takes really good.

He shrugged. "Because I have a feeling you weren't sleeping over your friends house." He said.

I rolled my eyes. "I didn't do anything bad." I said. "I didn't sleep with Paul."

Anna walked in all of a sudden going to the fridge. She looked really white. "What's up?" Jesse asked her.

She shrugged. "I feel like crap." She took out a carton of apple juice and got a glass pouring herself a cup.

Jesse looked at me. Eyeing me. I walked out with my glass of water sitting in the TV room. My cell phone sitting on the coffee table as I waited for it to start buzzing with him waiting patiently on the other line.

Outside it was warm. A breeze blew in through the window making the curtains fly up. It was June. Another school year ending. There was only one left. And I was out of high school. And into the real world. Summer's are probably some of the worst times of me life. The worst moments always happen in the summer. But there's always something to look forward to.

This August I was turning 18. And I was expecting another letter. I considered this year a big one. I was graduating. I was starting my life. I had to get a letter this year. There was no way she'd forget about me now. She mentioned at the end of my last one when I was sixteen that I'd be getting one. It was the only year so far I knew, it was set in stone, I was getting a letter. No matter what.

Which made summer a period of this year I was willing to endure. I didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew one thing.

My letter was coming.

* * *

He called at four. "Hello?" I had been flipping through channels all day. Not knowing what to do with myself.

"Hi," He said. "Are you home?"

I got my legs off of the coffee table and sat more forward. "Yeah," I said. "Why?"

There was a pause. He must have switched the phone to his other ear. "Are you busy?"

"No," I said.

"I'm outside," He said. I got up not believing this. I looked out the window and his car was sitting there waiting. I paused letting the curtains fall back covering it.

"Oh," I said. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Ok," He said. We both hung up.

"Jesse!" I said. "I'm going out. Tell my parents I'll be back by curfew."

"Kay!" He responded from upstairs. I started out the front door to find I didn't have to have Jesse tell them. I opened the door catching Paul shaking my father's hand. And Queenie standing beside, her hand propped against her back standing like a pregnant woman. Her other hand on her stomach.

I walked out. They didn't even notice me. They were talking. I took my time. Walking slowly down the front steps and cutting across the lawn- bright green and perfect thanks to the gardener Queenie hired since she was too pregnant to take care of her garden. I went up standing beside Paul.

My dad has never met any of my boyfriends. Ever. Queenie had never met any of Jesse's girlfriends- because he never even had any. So my whole family was new to this. They got the embarrassing stuff out of their systems. "She's told us so much about you." and "I hear you played football."

But I was thankful they met Paul of any boy I've ever dated. He was used to this. And he was polite. He looked like nothing had been any different about last night from any other night. He said the right things and wasn't awkward. But I was a little unsure about this. I stood there. Joining in sometimes, but I just listened while they had what I guessed was normal conversation.

"Don't stay out too late." When that came from my dad I was relieved. Happy this was over. I wasn't used to this. I wanted them to like Paul. But I still thought it was too soon for them to meet him. I also didn't think it was necessary. I wasn't going to marry him or anything really. Lasting through the summer was the obstacle we were faced with now.

I smiled. "I know," I said. "I'll be home on time."

And we took off in directions. Paul and I towards his car. While my dad moved his hand to Queenie's back as she waddled up to the house and scaled the stairs like a mountain. I shut my door sighing relieved. "What?" He asked. "You act like we just got away from the cops."

I kissed him. "Might as well have." I said.

"You met Caroline and I didn't freak out." He said.

"I didn't meet your parents." I said.

He started to pull away. "That's different." He said looking at me. "I hate my parents." And we acted normal. Like last night had never even happened. Like he hadn't been scared I had cheated on him with Bennett. Like I hadn't taken care of him. We were the same as we were before.

When we pulled into IHOP I smiled at him. We hadn't even said anything about going there. I leaned in pressing my lips to his softly. A perfect kiss. Pulling away as he started to kiss me back. He did this to me a lot. Teasing me. But here I just teased him back. I got out and walked up. He came after me. Walking quickly to catch up. His hand sliding around me waist. Like I've said a million times. We just fit.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

I kissed him goodnight longer than usual. It was soft and my heart was speeding and pounding like crazy. I was scared it would combust in my chest, but it didn't. His soft hand brushed against my skin giving me chills. He pulled away. My eyes still closed. They opened slowly and he kissed my forehead. The different feeling was filling me on the inside. I felt like it was waiting to burst out of me somehow. I just didn't know how to get it out. I smiled a little. He tucked hair behind me ear.

"Goodnight," I said. I kissed him one more time. Pulling away. He smiled at me in a soft way. He looked so honest. It felt like summer. The air thick and dark peppered with glowing orbs of fireflies. It was incredible. It was beautiful. "Goodnight."

And I got out walking up my front walk. His car waited idle at the curb. I made it to my porch watching him drive away. His car disappearing at a turn where it always does. I smiled a little to myself. Something was different. I didn't know what.

I slipped inside shutting the door carefully behind me. I looked around. The house was quiet. Everyone asleep. I took of my shoes leaving them at the door. I pulled my hair back. Turning to go up the stairs.

"Rainie?"

I almost screamed. It was one of those moments where you're stuck in some other world. The sound around me- the silence light and warm- had swallowed me and the voice emerging out of nowhere ripped me out of it. I turned sharply only two stairs up. I saw Jesse. "What are you trying to do? Give me a freak attack?" I whispered.

He rolled his eyes. "Was that Paul?" He asked.

I turned to face him. "Yeah," I said.

He looked at me. Up and down. I expected him to accuse me of something like drugs or alcohol. Something crazy when all I had done was go to IHOP and drove around talking. Nothing bad. "You're different." He said. "You just seem more mature."

I looked at him- confused. "Thanks?" I said.

"I mean," He said quickly. "Compared to how you were when I first met you... it's like you're a new person." I understood sort of. In the sense of that I wasn't getting high- or doing drugs period- and I wasn't getting drunk all the time. I had a boyfriend I wasn't just having sex with. I didn't have a reputation at all really that was even half true. "This guy's really changing you."

That's where he lost me. I looked at him. Sort of confused. I didn't feel any different from when I first started dating Paul. Really I'm the same person. Then suddenly Jesse yawned. "I'm going to bed." He said. "Are you staying up?"

I shook my head. "I'm tired." I said. I really was. I went upstairs. Jesse's footsteps following me up the stairs. I went in the opposite direction of him to my room. It was dark but I only turned on the light on my vanity. I changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Shutting off the light when I paused.

I saw his picture. I reached forward picking it up and holding it. I looked at it in the dim light. He hadn't changed me. I don't think so. I liked Paul a lot, but I don't see us lasting forever. But then again I don't think I'm going to forget him. He'll be the story I tell my daughters. About how I was a bad person and crawled out of that dark hole and became a new person. And how I met a nice boy. His name was Paul Spinella, and he looked just like a Paul Spinella too.

I stuck the picture back on my mirror. Turning off the light and letting the darkness set in while I waited for my eyes adjust to the night.

* * *

I sat in Jess-ee-cah's room. She was trying on her dress in her bathroom. She came in. She looked pretty. It was pink and long. It didn't have straps and unlike most girls we wear them, she can pull it off. It was poof-y and she looked perfect in it. I smiled. "I love it." I said. "You look gorgeous."

She shrugged looking in her mirror. "I don't know." She said. "I mean, I'm going to wear my hair down and I need to get new shoes if I wear it, but do you really love it?"

"It looks like a princess dress." I nodded smiling. "I'm obsessed with it." She bought it yesterday and I was called to her house to see it.

She made a pouting face. "I wish you were going, Rain." She said. "You and Paul would look so cute together. Why do you have to go to that stupid concert?"

I sighed. "I'm an awkward dancer." I said. "I don't know how to dance. I look like a retarded middle aged hooker dancing. Either that or a drunk girl. I wouldn't embarrass him."

"The guy played football," She said playing with her hair. "I don't think he's Mr. Graceful or anything."

I shrugged. "Besides Sunday Drive is one of the only things we have in common. I mean from the start, we both like Sunday Drive. I'd rather go somewhere I'm comfortable with him then a big dance I've been to three times already and look like a drunk freak. It'll give Shelly Harris another reason to pick on me."

"Did I tell you?" She asked. "She stole Prom Chair from Meredith Atkins. Those cheerleader's know how to get revenge. She started a rumor Meredith was pregnant, but she was just getting fat. They pushed her down from the top of the pyramid to the bottom and it did a number on her self-esteem and she gave up Prom Chair."

I laughed shaking my head. "God," I said. "I wish I was a cheerleader. They fight more than anyone."

"They are all like best friends but they secretly hate each other. I love it." Jessicah dropped her arms looking at herself in her dress. She smoothed out a wrinkle in it. "Do you really like it?"

I looked at her. "Yeah," I said.

She turned looking at me. "I wish you were going still." She said. "I would get drunk and dance with you."

I rolled my eyes. "Next year." I said. "I promise I'll go."

She walked back to her bathroom to change. And I looked at the pictures she had stuffed into her mirror. I felt suddenly bad about only having a picture of Paul in mine. She was my best friend before Paul and she will after him. She came out dressed in jeans again. I felt bad for blowing her off and going to the Sunday Drive show with Paul, but I couldn't miss this show. Especially me and Paul together, we couldn't miss it no matter what.

I looked at her. "Are you happy you're going with Thomas?" I asked.

She nodded smiling a little. "I'm actually really nervous." She said. "I really like him I think."

I smiled a little. And I thought of Jacob. He's going to have to sit this through. Watch Jess-ee-cah go through the motions with Thomas, folding his pretzels and not letting that eat him up inside. Until finally she got over Thomas. And hopefully she'll notice Jacob's there.

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**A/N: Sunday Drive is two chapters away XD Are you stoked? **


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: I know I aid Sunday Drive was two chapters away.** _But I wrote a chapter in between and scrapped it. So here it is. _**I'm not sure hgow confident I am. I'll have to wait and see if you all boost my confidence with reviews if you chose to write them. **

**Two words: Very Long.**

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Chapter 31

The school was going insane. The seniors were out. And all the girls in my grade were talking about Prom. All they did was go on and on about dresses and limos and all of that stuff. I liked not being a part of it all. Shelly Harris asked me several times if I wanted to buy tickets for me and Paul but I kept saying no. Telling her I was busy. Prom Chair was getting to her making her more crazy than usual.

But I was shocked to see Jess-ee-cah swept up in it all. She was talking to these girls about her dress and her plans with Thomas. "Rainie what about you and Paul?" I'd smile politely and say Paul and I were going to a show and we weren't going.

There were only a few people who weren't going that I knew of. There were the sad girls who couldn't get dates. There were the social outcasts. And then there was Bennett. Who I ran into awkwardly and we talked. Kerrington and Coolen Prom- which was the same place and time and night- came up. "I'm not going." He said. "I'm seeing Sunday Drive instead."

Other than that everyone seemed to be going. Everyone seemed to be excited by it at every second of everyday. Even the teachers were discussing who were chaperoning and who was not.

With Jess-ee-cah busy being excited over Prom, I hung out with Paul non-stop. He drove me to school and we hung out after school unless he was working. When he got off he'd come pick me up and we'd go to IHOP but more than usual now we found ourselves hanging out at his house. Nobody ever seemed to be home. Not even Caroline. I teased him when I saw his football pictures which showed him kneeling down dressed up in pads and jersey's from age six to seventeen.

They were cute. They didn't look like him. His braces were adorable, but after the pictures with braces he stopped smiling in them. He stopped looking happy to be there like he did when he looked like he was three feet tall. And then he became the Paul I know.

Days went by and finally it was Friday. School was let out early so girls could rush to hair appointments and get the same hair styles and get manicures and take pictures with their boyfriends or dates. Paul and I went to our spot and talked acting like any other day.

And actually for us it was. Except tonight we were going to Sunday Drive.

* * *

I got ready for the show in a few minutes. Caitlyn coming into my room and talking to me. Asking me why I wasn't going to the Prom. I had to explain to her I went last year, and how awful a dancer I was. And how Paul and I wanted to go to this concert so badly.

Tonight I was glad to say I didn't dress up. Jeans and a blue shirt. I put on eye make-up and pinned back my bands and I was ready. Girls were out there putting on flashy glamorous dresses with their hair in complicated French twists and their shoes high heeled and painful. I just wore some Van slip-ons.

"If you were going to prom would you have dressed up?" Caitlyn asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "Next year though, you have to help me pick out a dress."

That's what I tell people. Next year I'll go. "Are you going with Paul next year?" She asked suddenly.

I paused, nobody had asked me that yet. I smiled weakly at her. "No," I said. "Probably not."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "That's a whole year," I said. "I'm not sure if he's going to be my boyfriend next year. Relationships in high school don't last forever."

She was quiet for a few seconds. She looked on the floor absorbing this. I didn't know what she expected. Did she think Paul and I were going to last? There are times when I have to remind myself we won't. That we aren't going to be in love or live happily ever after. That doesn't happen in high school. We're too young. We're too different.

I sighed closing an open drawer. I caught a glimpse of the picture I had of him tucked into my mirror. It's not going to last. I walked over to my stereo shutting it off and looking at myself in the mirror. "Do I look good?" I asked Caitlyn.

She smiled giving me a thumbs up. I flashed a thumbs up right back to her. "Good," She said.

I smiled and shut my light off. "Come on," I stood against my door holding it open for her to walk in front of me. She climbed off of my bed and left. I looked back at that picture of Paul. I smiled a little. Feeling my stomach shaking and filling with butterflies thinking about the show tonight. I was excited. Not so much to see Sunday Drive, but to see them with him.

It was like any other date it felt. I sat on the window seat and talked to Caitlyn while she watched TV. Jake looked up from his Legos. "When is Paul coming?" He asked.

I smile a little. I think it's cute how much Jake likes Paul and asks when he's going to be over and when he's coming to get me. "Few minutes," I said.

He nodded going back to his Legos. "Are you nervous?" Caitlyn asked smiling at me.

I shrugged. "A little."

She smiled looking back at the TV. I looked out the window seeing his car pull up. I called to Queenie. "I'll be home on time." I said.

"When's this concert over?" She asked.

I paused at the door. It was open and I looked back. "I don't know," I said. "It's starting at seven, but I don't know how long. I'll call you."

"Okay, have a good time." She called back.

"Bye Rain!" I heard Caitlyn. She showed up at the end of the hall. I smiled saying goodbye to her. And I turned walking to his car. The big black SUV waiting at the curb. The windows tinted so I couldn't see him. But I opened the door, looking back and seeing Caitlyn had opened the door and was watching me through the screen my dad put up when it got warmer. She watched me. I got in shutting the door looking at him.

He looked at me, smiling a little. He was looking at me differently. "Ready?" He asked. I leaned in to kiss him. He pressed his lips to mine. We kissed for a few seconds. My heart was pounding and my stomach filled completely with butterflies. I felt that different feeling. Mixed with this feeling of loss of breath and happiness. I moved away. "Yes," I said.

And he forced himself to blink and I smiled. He pulled away from the curb and he started driving.

He was playing the newer Sunday Drive album. He hasn't played the older one for a while. Since he saw my reaction to the last song on it. Tonight I could tease him if I wanted, but I didn't want to it was our night. Jess-ee-cah was sending me Prom-updates. So Paul and I just started talking. About random stuff like we always do.

We've known each other for three months. Almost three and a half. Which is nothing at all really compared to everything. It was a second in the world. Not even, and here I was feeling like I had known him all my life. He knew everything about me it seemed.

I noticed that a lot tonight. He drove by the Bug-killing company with a giant fake bug on top of it without me telling him to like I had when we drove into the city. He had taken out all his metal CDs and had only CDs from bands I loved. Except there were no Bright Eyes unfortunately. And it felt weird. We weren't really a cheesy-cheesy couple anymore. We were normal. We were used to dating and being around each other a lot. We knew everything about each other and we were just used to it.

It happens to any relationship. But for me I usually take the next step and it usually never takes this long for this period in a relationship to start. And somehow, I didn't feel bored with him. I liked talking about the same things. I liked being with him still. I didn't get tired of anything. Sometimes he seemed like he was, but he did from the start whenever I brought up things he was sick of hearing about like my teasing. But he always lets me win.

Halfway there his hand slipped over my knee. And we drove the rest of the way. I smiled at him. Feeling bubbly inside. It was just the night I think.

There were a lot of kids outside of the venue. We parked but walked past the whole line because Paul knew a kid who was near the front. People gave us dirty looks as we passed but I didn't really care, his hand was around my waist and he kissed my temple. I leaned into him, still wanting to be closer.

The kid I met at all the past Caustic shows name was Aaron. He was short and chubby and he waved to us. "Spinella!" I would have been fine. But I saw Bennett standing a few feet away. They were a group of kids form Kerrington. That kid Jonah Jess-ee-cah went on a date with was there too. Paul talked to Aaron and I stared at Bennett's back.

I swear he didn't even know we were there.

"When are you guys playing again?" Aaron asked.

Paul paused. "Next week," He said. They were talking about the shows Caustic had at the church. I hated the name of his band. It sounded so rough and scary. But I knew he liked being in a band. Any band in general. But I knew of all bands he hated being in that one the most. Thomas was being a dick as usual to him and everyone and Paul usually left practices early and came to me sometimes going on and on about how much of a dick Thomas was. Which I listened to and found slightly funny. He was cute when he was mad.

Then suddenly Bennett turned seeing me. He smiled a little lifting his hand in a wave. I waved back. And he stepped over. He looked at Paul. "Are you from that band Caustic?" He asked. Paul and Bennett knew each other pretty well. They knew more about each other than they pretended. And even though Bennett put this fake uncertainty of who Paul was, Paul didn't really go along with it too well.

"Yeah," He said.

"I like you guys a lot," Bennett said to be friendly. "I've seen you guys a lot these past few weeks. You're pretty good."

Paul nodded. "Thanks, man." Paul never takes credit for the band in any way except for parts that are 100% his- which was three guitar riffs, a drum beat, and a bass line or two. That's it: End of story. And here he was acting like a normal guy about being in a band. I looked at him. He was on edge, I could tell.

"I'm Bennett, by the way," Bennett was being friendly, I know that. I swallowed pushing my bangs out of my eyes.

Paul nodded. "I'm Paul." This was awkward. I looked over at Aaron who made a face sensing how awkward this must be too.

I smiled. "I'm Rainie," I tried to make it better, but Paul just smiled a little sliding his hand around my waist again.

Bennett smiled too running a hand through his hair. "Since when are you a fan of Sunday Drive anyway?" He asked me. We've discussed this a while ago. Nothing big just an I-like-them.

I smiled. "I'm obsessed with them." I said.

Aaron made another face. "Fuck, I'm just here to see an opening band, why do you Sunday Fans have to be so weird and obsessive about them?" He said.

I laughed a little. The air around us was stiff and awkward. Paul and Bennett in a conversation together was an awful idea. Even with good intentions. Bennett shrugged. He opened his mouth to say something.

"Rainie!" Jonah somehow remembered me after this long. He came up to me. "What's up?" He offered me a high-five. I gave him one. He was standing in between Paul and Bennett. Thank God. He slipped a hand behind Bennett. "We need to catch up." He said smiling. "I've got to steal this guy away though, see you around." Jonah talked incredibly fast. He slipped Bennett away in a second walking him over to a girl with a lip-ring who didn't exactly look excited to be here.

I looked at Paul. He didn't look at me. He continued a conversation with Aaron and I moved closer to him. Leaning my head against him and listening. Feeling his voice vibrating inside of me. I knew he was still worried about me and Bennett. The rumors were still around though not as much because a cheerleader was pregnant, not anymore though. But it took away some attention. In fact almost all of it. But I still felt awful. I wish there was some way to get him to stop thinking those things. I didn't know how. It was beyond me.

They started letting people in. We were pretty close actually. Apparently Bennett and a few other kids have been here all afternoon. But we walked into the venue. His hand slipping into mine. He kissed my forehead. "Come on." He said. "Don't let go."

I smiled. "I won't." I squeezed his hand, it was his soft one and he pulled me into the crowd after him. We got so close to the front and when we got as far as we could he turned around and I kissed him. We were shoved close together. People all round us just pushed and pushed to get closer. It calms down when the first band comes on. But for now everyone's just excited to be there.

We talked a little. The lights on overhead washed out his skin and mine. Making me paler than ever. Kids were talking too. There was shouting and somehow we heard each other over everything. And we felt like we did when we first started dating on those days when he was just plain happy about everything.

Nobody around us seemed to notice us. We were just another couple in the crowd. His arms around my waist mine around his neck. The lights dimmed and everyone yelled. I kissed him. I wasn't planning on yelling and he wasn't either. We weren't that kind of people. I turned around in his arms and he kept his hand around my waist and I looked up at the stage.

The first band came on. And everyone waited. They started playing a song. They weren't incredible. But a few songs in and a few lame stage comments from every first band, I recognized them. That band we had seen so long ago. It was them. The first show we had seen together in that little club a few streets over. I recognized a song or two in their seven song set-list and somehow it clicked. They were the same band. Maybe the newer songs had changed or the sound system was too big for them or it had just been the night; but they weren't half as good as they were the first time we saw them.

I said that to Paul when they went offstage. He kissed me leaning into my ear. "I thought you'd recognize their name," He said.

I smiled. "I didn't have a clue." I said. He smiled kissing my cheek. I turned my face to kiss him. Feeling his lips against mine I tried giving him a perfect kiss. But he beat me. Giving me one first. Which stole my breathe as the next band came on.

They were better. Well-known, I knew the words to some of their songs and I had them on my iPod. But they were really good. Everyone in this room was a Sunday Drive fan. They're from around here. They aren't from California or somewhere crazy. They're from Natick which is just the next town over. You could never hear anyone screaming that loudly for the opening bands. We were all just waiting for Sunday Drive.

The sets got longer and I got more excited, more nervous. Paul held me closer and closer. Until I couldn't' get any closer, and yet I still wanted to be even more. I wanted to be as close to him as possible. And between sets we'd talk a little. Whenever he kissed me it was a perfect kiss. One that made my heart pound. Making my stomach fill with butterflies. Made my head spin. Knocked my sideways.

And finally when the lights went out the last time for the last band I forgot about everything except for Paul and Sunday Drive.

The band came out all at once. The lead singer always came out last for other bands but he came out first. People yelled and went insane. But I just squeezed his hand and smiled to myself. "Hey!" The singer said loudly into the microphone. Everyone yelled. They went right into the song. It was a newer one off of the last record they put out. And I knew all the words but didn't sing them because this song made me think about Paul and I didn't have the need to sing along.

They played a lot of newer songs. A new song off of an EP they were putting out soon here and one off of the last record there. They talked a little. The difference between them and the bands before them was that they didn't go: "You guys are the best crowd so far!" or anything fake like that. They talked about song meanings and let us in on inside jokes in the band. But it was incredible. I don't go to shows like crazy. I never have. But they were the best band I've seen live ever.

It was like they weren't even playing their instruments and they were just lip-syncing to the recordings on the records we all had and loved. I was amazed. I didn't think it was possible for a band to be that good live. I squeezed Paul's hands. Feeling butterflies when his lips brushed my neck.

* * *

When we got out of the show I felt like a new person. I felt like I had just been re-taught everything I had ever known. I stopped and kissed Paul outside of the venue. It was a cool summer night. He moved his arms around my waist and mine around his neck. We kissed. I felt even more alive.

I felt my body functioning and I felt the world outside of my body. And I felt my heart a different world inside of me entirely. I smiled against his lips. "That was incredible." I said softly.

He smiled. "It was," He said softly back.

"This beat going to Prom, huh?" I said softly.

He laughed. "There wasn't even a competition." He said. And he kissed me. A perfect kiss. And I kissed him back. Moving away seeing that he was reacting to it the same way. We both just gave each other a perfect kiss at the same time.

The ride home was quick. Once we hit the highway it flew by. As soon as we crossed into Kerrington I looked at the clock. "I don't want to go home." I said. We were listening to Sunday Drive of course, I loved them so much there was nothing else to listen to. Nothing else compared to it.

He looked at me. "You're parents are going to freak out at you if you're home late." He said taking a left.

"No," I said. "It's only Eleven! How could they get mad?"

He looked at me and then took a right instead of a left. And we ended up at his house. Which was dark and empty looking. As always we just went up through the back right to his room. He turned on the light and in a few seconds we were sitting on the floor listening to his record player playing the first Sunday Drive record I had gotten him.

I smiled looking at him. "Tonight was incredible." I said softly.

He kissed me. "How many times are you going to bring that up?" He asked smiling.

I kissed him softly and quickly. "Forever," I said. "It was amazing." He tucked hair behind my ear. And just looked at me. His finger brushing the side of my face and he moved his hand away from my face. I got the different feeling. I felt the different feeling stronger than ever before. I swallowed trying to push it away. It made me feel insecure around him. "What?" I asked forcing a smile. It came out more naturally than I thought a smile could right then.

He had been looking so honest looking at me in this weird way. But it drained form his face. "I didn't say anything." He said.

I shook my head. "Never mind," I said. I started to shift, and his lips moved to my forehead and I stopped closing my eyes. I tipped my chin up and our lips found each other's and we kissed. It was perfect. It matched our first kiss. And it was incredible. We kissed. His arms moving around me, and my hands moving to his neck.

It was soft. I started to lean back but he kept me from lying back on the floor. He got up, offering a hand to me. I took it, it was his soft one. And he pulled me to my feet and I fell into his arms. I smiled and stood on my toes. I kissed his neck once, because on my toes I still can't reach his lips. And he smiled, and kissed me.

The record was still playing and we lay down on his bed and kept kissing. We did everything from the waist up, and it was perfect. The different feeling was everywhere and we weren't paying attention to anything. We had a small part of the world all to ourselves and we didn't have to share it with anyone, not even each other because it wasn't particularly ours. We had it together. And the music was soft and beautiful and my heart was pounding. But like always he stopped me. He smoothed my hands out against his chest and he kissed me softer.

I don't notice it anymore when it happens. It just does and it's expected and I moved away and pulled my shirt on over my head. Settling back into his arms, the safest place I've grown to know.

He kissed my forehead and held me tight. I lay there listening. "Rain," He said softly.

I looked at him. "Mmhmm?" I said softly. Not wanted to be louder than the music.

He looked at me. "I care about you so much," He said softly almost a whisper. He moved his arms from around me and his fingers brushed my face. Touching it gently and brushing the corners of my mouth. "And I don't want you to think I don't. I just think we should wait. I don't want to rush anything, and I know it's been three months, it's just..."

I kissed him. "It's okay," I said. "I get it."

He kissed me softly. A perfect kiss. And moved away. I moved my arms tighter around him. He hugged me.

The song started playing. The last song on the record. And I closed my eyes and listened. They hadn't played it live. He kissed my forehead when it started and held me. I squeezed my eyes shut and I tried not to listen to deeply into it. I tried to ignore it. But it was all the sound there was. I shifted my head, and suddenly I heard his heart. Steady and calm. I listened to that instead. Focusing on it's beats gaining speed suddenly for no reason at all. And the record ended.

He moved away. Slipping away from me. I was lying on my side watching him. He sat on the edge of the bed putting his shirt on. The muscles in his back were moving and disappeared under the blue shirt he was wearing. He got up, walking over to his record player and shutting it off and putting the record away. He checked his phone to see the time.

"Come on," He said. "We should go, it's getting late."

I was tired. I took out my phone and looked at the ten inboxes. All Prom-updates from Jess-ee-cah. It was past midnight. And I was suddenly exhausted. So tired. I put my phone back into my pocket and turned my back to him. I closed my eyes and found it hard to open them.

"Rain," He said. "What are you doing come on, your parents are going to get pissed."

I ignored him. The room was silent. I heard his footsteps coming closer. And he climbed onto the bed with me. He moved his arms around my waist. In middle school we called this "spooning." He fit his body along mine- my back against his stomach, and my head just beneath his chin.

I shifted and we were suddenly really comfortable. And I fell asleep.

* * *

The next day I woke up rolling into the warm spot beside me. I exhaled and felt cold and misplaced. I wasn't home. I knew that. I opened my eyes and took in where I had ended up. I was at Paul's. He was standing up, running a hand through his hair and checking his phone.

I knew he was trying to process how we could have fallen asleep. It was morning. Which meant my parents were probably freaking out. He turned looking at me as I sat up stretching. "Sorry," He said softly. His voice tired and rough.

I ran my fingers through my hair. It wasn't a mess, but I felt so tired still. It must be early. "What time is it?" I asked.

"Six," He said. "I should get you home."

I paused taking out my cell phone. Holding a finger up when he started to talk so more. He stopped and I had two voicemails. I checked them. The first form Jess-ee-cah. "Hi," She said. "I know you're probably sleeping with your boyfriend right now, but... Queenie just called me asking me if I knew where you and Paul were so I lied and said you were at my house. She's probably pissed, but I covered for you. Like I always do... so call me back with the details. Bye."

Next Message.

"Rainie," Queenie of course. Expected. "I know you're at Jessicah's now, but you should have given us a call. I don't care that you didn't come home and went to a party after the concert, but you should have still had Paul drive you home. Make sure you get home tomorrow and when you do you're grounded. Your father is really disappointed in you, you're not getting off of this easily. I'll see you tomorrow." Click.

I yawned stretching again. He was waiting. I shut my phone. "I'm off the hook." I said. "I slept over Jessicah's last night. Don't worry." I smiled a little. He looked a little confused but it was early, and I don't think he was on top of everything this early. Especially when he was that tired. I lay back down closing my eyes.

He came over following my example. We lay shoulder to shoulder on his bed. I moved slipping into the spot between his arm and side where I always fit. He moved his hand to my lower back. "Hey Paul," I whispered.

"Mmhmm?" He said.

"Last night was incredible."

He laughed a little, and kissed my forehead. The different feeling was still there from last night. But it felt like last night was a dream. No night in history could have been that perfect. That so well laid out for us to experience. But I closed my eyes and tried not to fall too deep asleep. Knowing I probably wouldn't see him a lot after this morning. Queenie and Bill may be oblivious to obvious lies, but they knew how to ground me pretty well.

But it was just a week of doing nothing in school. We had a whole summer to look forward too. And I felt excitement mixed with a different feeling I couldn't quite put into words.

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**A/N: I wrote this is indie music. Which means towards the end my phrasing got a little artsy and lyrical and what not. But I hoped you liked it. And I hope you all enjoy reading this. Review Please.**

**Everyone review if you can. You can jsut say "Good" or "Bad" or "Crap" or write a sentence or write a paragraph or write a novel yourself or your life story. I read everything you write. I love to too. So review.**

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	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

I watched him drive away. His car vanishing around the same turn it always did. I inhaled and exhaled ready for whatever was inside. I figured my dad would freak out. Pull an actual father move and rip my hair out and threaten to take away my social life. And when I closed the door behind me I was right.

"Rainie? Is that you?" It was Queenie.

"Yeah," I said. I kicked my shoes off. My hair was finger-combed and I looked like I always did when I came home from Jess-ee-cah's. But I smelled like Paul. Not that they would know what he smelled like anyways.

"Come in here please." She said.

I just walked into the kitchen. My dad was dressed for his day. He had his normal tie on. He looked at me. "Where were you last night?" He asked. Not mad sounding, but his eyes looked like Hell would wash over me if I wasn't shivering with fear. I wasn't that scared.

"Jessicah's," I said.

"But you were with Paul," He said.

"Jess had a bad night," I said. "Paul and I went to a party a bunch of kids who went to Prom were at and-"

"I thought you went to a concert." My dad narrowed his eyes at me. He's new to this. He never would have done this before Queenie. He would have asked me where I was. And then accept it. But it was only because he couldn't handle me. Especially after losing my mother. Now he could be a normal dad to me.

"I know," I said nodding. "We did, we got home in like twenty minutes, and we went to the party because Jessicah needed to talk to me. She had a bad night, so I slept over her house. I forgot to call. I'm sorry."

"Did you know Susan was up until midnight waiting for you to come home?" He asked raising his voice pointing at Queenie. "And what it was like to wake up and have her tell me you never came home? And to find out you decided to sleep over your friend's house?"

"No," I said softly.

"And how do we even know you're telling the truth?" He asked, his voice got louder. "How do we know whether or not you were with Paul instead of Jessicah?"

I swallowed looking at him. "I wasn't with Paul," I said.

He lowered his voice. "You need to grow up," He said. "I know you went through a rough time after your mother left us, but you need to stop getting into these things that could really hurt you. You're graduating next year, and of all things you have Anna and Caitlyn looking up to you. This is..." He shook his head looking down. He was really mad.

I felt my eyes stinging. We haven't talked about my mother. Me and my dad, or even mentioned her in years. Here she was coming up. It was good to know someone else remembered her and I wasn't the only one. He had been talking but I wasn't listening. I just looked at my dad.

He changed so much. He used to look young, now he was old. He had bags under his eyes, and he had a few grey hairs. He used to be so young whenever I saw him with my mother, but it's been six years. The world doesn't stop when something bad happens. It keeps going. Even if you aren't.

"You're grounded." He said. "Two weeks: no phone, no going out, nothing. Have you studied for your finals yet?"

"A little," I lied. I hadn't at all. My voice was shaking. He didn't notice.

"You're just going to study, go to school and come home. We've discussed how much more help we're going to need when the baby comes. You're going to start doing more chores and watching the kids more." He said ticking off all the things I was going to do this week. I've never been grounded like this. They usually are cool whenever I sleep over Jess-ee-cah's, but this time I forgot to call.

I paused. "Two weeks?" I asked. "Paul's going to Maine a few days after we get out, am I allowed to see him at all?" It was weird that I thought of Paul first of all things. I was missing the end of the year party Jess-ee-cah said I had to go to. I was going to probably grocery shop. Not do anything besides chores and babysitting. But I thought about Paul.

He told me last night about his family trip to Maine. How he had tried to get out of it, but he still had to go. One week, he said, of playing cards with his grandmother. And here I was thinking about that. Thinking about not seeing him. And that was a little weird for me. He was just a boy.

"No," My dad said firmly. "You're grounded, Rainie. No exceptions."

I nodded. "Okay," I said.

"You can go upstairs now," My dad turned to the coffee maker pouring more coffee into the mug in his hand. I looked at Queenie who was giving me a sympathetic look. Her hand on her stomach. The baby was coming so soon. July they said. Late July, I forgot the exact due date, but Caitlyn had it stamped on the calendar and was counting down to it.

Everything was getting more and more antsy. I went upstairs stopping and looking down the hall to the circus-themed nursery my half-brother or half-sister would have when they came. I was far away from it. All the way at the end of the hall. I turned to my room getting my cell phone out dialing his number.

"Hello?"

"Two weeks," I said. "I'm grounded for two weeks." I collapsed onto my bed. Switching my phone to my other ear. "Nothing, no phone, no going out, I even asked if I was allowed to see you and that was a big fat no too."

"That's a great way to start the summer." He said.

I sat up. "You're enjoying this aren't you?" I said.

"You sound like they said you can't do anything forever." He said laughing a little.

I leaned back onto my hand. "I can't say goodbye to you when you go to Maine." I said.

He paused. "That's okay," He said. "It's my fault you're grounded. I shouldn't have fallen asleep." I didn't say anything. "I'll see you at school anyways, it's not a huge deal Rain."

I paused. "Yeah," I said. "I guess you're right."

Someone knocked on my door. "Rainie? Can I come in?" It was Queenie.

I froze. "I have to go," I said quickly. "Bye."

"Rain-" I hung up, I always hate when I do that when the person is still talking and you don't know. "Yes," I said.

Queenie opened the door and came in. Looking around. Then she looked at me. "Were you really with Jessicah?" She asked.

I looked at her. She knew, I knew she did. "Yes," I said. But she knew. And she knew I'd never admit I had been with Paul.

She nodded. "Since when is Paul going to Maine?" She asked. She went over to my vanity and pulled the stool out and sat down. No offense to her or anything, but she's huge now. A planet basically.

"I just found out last night when we were going to the concert." I said. "His family goes every year or something. And it's like his whole family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and his grand parents all go to this huge house in Maine for a week."

"And when is he leaving?" She asked.

"Two days after we get out," I said. "On a Thursday." It's the day before the end of the year party. Which I can't even go to, because I'm technically grounded until the Saturday after.

She nodded. "If you do what your father says up until then, I'll let you go say goodbye to him, but if you're father gets mad again, I can't."

I nodded. "Thank you," I said. Of all things I had been worried about that part of the grounding most, and now it was out of the way. It was set in stone, because really what could I do that would get Bill mad? I could crash my car or go out randomly and go to a party or something. But I wouldn't. Not now.

She nodded touching her stomach. She does that more now than ever. She gripped my vanity and pushed herself up, I start to go over and help her. She held her hand out to me. "Phone," She said.

I nodded handing it to her.

She smiled a little. And walked away. I watched her waddle. Dropping back onto my bed sighing. My life was going to be boring as hell these next two weeks. I knew that.

* * *

**A/N:** _Sorry for the delay, there has been a few roadblocks in writing this, and a few things I had to deal with, and it's sort of short. But i hope you liked it._


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

"Is he gone yet?" I came downstairs. Caitlyn was my supposed spy. But I've been waiting for my dad to leave for the past half hour. I keep hearing his voice rising up the stairs. I've been grounded for the past week and a half. Doing nothing and acing my finals because all I can do is study. I've seen Paul only in the beginning of the day because our finals end at different times. And he was leaving tomorrow.

We got out of school yesterday which meant even though I was grounded it was almost as if my summer didn't start until he came back. But that didn't stop the sun from trying to burn me to death.

I may not tan but I burn so easily. I have to smear my skin with sun block to keep from burning. Caitlyn peaked out the window again. "Yes," She said.

This was my one night. I walked into the living room to find a pregnant Queenie sitting on the couch already working the day after her pregnancy leave started. "I'm going," I said pointing behind me.

"When will you be back?" She asked. I figured she'd be crying about everything and hoping to just get the kid out. But she was normal.

"Nine-thirty." I said. That gave me three hours to say goodbye to him which she said was more than enough. He knew I was coming but now I wouldn't get there for ten or fifteen minutes meaning I wasted a half hour already waiting for my dad to leave anyways.

"Okay," she said. "And if your father asks?"

"I'm running errands." I said. We've gone over this a million times.

"And if he asks?" She wasn't even looking up just highlighting something on a paper.

"I make up the details and keep you out of it." I said. I had proposed Queenie be the person to blame because Bill can't get mad at her for anything right now. He treats her like a God which annoys her but she lets him.

"Alright," She said. "Be careful."

I walked out. Caitlyn was sitting on the stairs in a pair of butterfly covered shorts with her hair pinned to the side with a butterfly clip. She leaned onto her knees with her arms. I stopped looking at her. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Are you going to hang out with Paul more than me again?" She asked looking at me with her sad little green eyes.

"No," I said kneeling down in front of her. "Paul's just going on vacation. I just want to say goodbye to him. I haven't seen him all week because I've been too busy hanging out with you, Cait." I wasn't allowed to tell the kids I was grounded because I stayed out all night and they didn't know where I was. Caitlyn didn't mind. She was happy to have me home more. Anna knew, I knew she did. But Jake just asked why Paul wasn't coming over.

She nodded pouting a little. She was so little girl-ish and cute. She was being ignored even more because the baby was so soon. I smiled. "Plus that means we have a whole week to do fun stuff!" I said energetically. "We can go get a slip and slide!"

She smiled. "Really?" She asked her eyes widening. "A real one? Daddy said no when we asked him."

I smiled putting a finger to my lips. "It'll be our secret." I said. "You and me can go to a store and pick one out okay?"

She smiled. "Okay Rain." She said happily.

"Make sure if I'm late you cover for me though," I said.

She nodded. "I will," She said. She liked being important like being a spy and being a cover. I smiled and got up turning and walking o the door taking my keys off of the clip on my belt loop. Without it I'd lose my keys every chance I had.

I turned back to her. "See you," I said.

"Bye," She waved sitting there on the stairs. Tugging her Velcro on her sneakers. I went down the front walk. It was so hot out. I sighed getting into my oven-of-a-car and started it. I pulled out and took off going to his house.

* * *

I knocked on the door to his room. I was excited and happy to actually see him. I haven't hung out with him for more than a few minutes. I waited. "Come in," He said. I opened the door and found him tucking clothes into an almost tiny bag.

I smiled leaning against the door. His back to me. "You're packing? Are you serious?" I said.

He turned around and saw me smiling. "I didn't think you were coming," He said. "I thought your dad caught you or something." I started walking towards him pushing off of the doorway.

"It took him a half hour to leave," I said. His hands moved to my waist, mine moved around his neck and we kissed. I closed my eyes and kissed him. I missed him already. I barely saw him at all this past week. "I'm happy I'm here now though."

He smiled into my lips and moved away. "I have to finish packing." He said.

I sighed letting go. I got onto his bed. Sitting cross-legged facing him as he shoved a pair of jeans into the little suitcase. "Let me guess that's your only suitcase." I said looking at it. Boys always need like nothing when they go on a vacation. I always need two times the size of that.

He nodded smiling a little. "Yeah," He said. "Why?"

I shrugged. "It can't hold like anything." I said. "You don't think those clothes will last you one week."

"The don't have cell phone reception," He said cramming in a stack of shirts. "But they have a washer and dryer."

"Do you miss me already?" I asked leaning back onto my hands.

He put the last of his clothes into the suitcase. "Not really," He said. "you're right here anyways." He walked across the room to where he keeps his record player. I watched him and he got a stack of CDs off of a shelf. He came over sticking them in.

I reached out taking them right away. Going through them. Smashing Pumpkins was on top of course. Then there were bands like Alkaline Trio and Sunday Drive underneath. I went through them. Jimmy Eat World, I had him hooked on 'Clarity' right now. And then I made it to the end. I looked at him with complete shock. He was walking away shutting a drawer. "Paul Steven Spinella," I learned his middle name a few weeks ago. "You aren't bringing Oasis?"

He looked at me starting to come back over. "No," He said. "I'm so sick of listening to that CD."

I stared at him in disbelief. He stopped. Fighting it, but he gave in sighing. He walked over to his CD collection and came over with the Oasis record in his hand. I took it adding it to the top of the pile and stuck it back where he had originally put it. "Can I close my bag now?" He asked.

"I never said you couldn't." I said.

"Do you think I forgot anything?" He asked. "Do you want to go through it?"

I paused thinking about it. I really didn't I was just playing along. "No," I said. "I'm fine." And he shut it zipping it and walking it over to his door. I watched him. I took out my cell phone and checked the time. It was almost 7 already. I tossed it onto one of the bedside tables he had as he came over.

He sat down falling back onto his bed covering his eyes with his arms. "I don't want to go." He said under his breath.

I smiled. "It's only one week." I said.

"I hate my family." He groaned.

"No you don't," I said. "You can't hate all of your family."

He uncovered his eyes and sat on the edge of the bed looking at me. He took my hand and wove his fingers into it looking at them. They were so different. My hand was small in his. My fingers were pale and his finger tips were callused. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." He said softer.

I looked at him. "Me too," I said back. I missed hanging out with him. I wanted to start our summer. But we had to wait a week. He looked at me. Pushing hair behind my ear as he leaned in and kissed me. The moment his lips met mine it sent my heart into a frenzy. I closed my eyes and kissed him. I missed kissing him. I missed being in his arms. I missed the way he made me feel when he gave me a perfect kiss. I missed the different feeling I had whenever I was with him now.

I just wanted to be with him

* * *

We were kissing. We had done everything from the waist up and this is where we usually stop. There was always a point where he takes my hands and smoothes them out across his chest and pulls away. But he didn't. He hinted we keep going.

I like Paul so much. He means so much to me. And suddenly I felt something. It was something like panic. I didn't want to sleep with him. Not now. And I didn't know what to do. So I did what I thought might work. I smoothed my hands out against his chest and kissed him softer.

I didn't know what would happen. I knew Paul would never hurt me. And suddenly he kissed me softer back. For the first time I stopped a boy.

And it worked.

I felt sick in my stomach. He was fine. He lay on his back and didn't say anything. I put my clothes back on feeling like I was disgusting. I would have slept with him a month ago, what was wrong me now? I lay back next to him. My shoulder against his. But he turned pulling me into his arms.

I buried my face into his chest. Hearing his heart. He smoothed my hair against my back and I breathed. I was going to miss him. And I think he heard me thinking this. "I'm going to miss you." He said softly. A whisper only I could hear.

"It's one week." I said for the two of us. This should be the other way around. I should be the one saying I would miss him and him the one who would be telling me it's only one week. But no, somehow it was completely different.

"I know," He said. "But just not seeing you or talking to you. I can't picture that even happening."

I remembered Caitlyn getting excited when I was first grounded last week, telling me how she thought I had forgotten we were best friends forever and had replaced her with Paul. Was it possible to spend too much time with someone? And somehow it wasn't enough. I wanted to be with him all the time. Now there was a week I knew I wouldn't see him or talk to him or know how he was. He was just gone. There was a break from him in my life.

I turned my head to the side pressing my ear to his heart which was speeding. "I care so much about you, Rain." He said softly. His voice vibrating inside of me. "A week isn't that long, but when it comes to not seeing you or being with you, it's so much longer."

I swallowed. "I know," I said suddenly. "I feel the same way."

We were quiet my words hanging in the air. He wasn't as shocked by them as I was. I didn't think that voice was mine but it was too familiar for it not to be. And he just kissed the top of my head and we lay there.

In a few minutes he got up putting his shirt on and putting on the Sunday Drive record. We sat and talked. I told him how awful it was to be grounded and he complained about his parents and Thomas. And we ended up just sitting there listening to the record. I had to leave and there was only time for one more song. And I closed my eyes holding him.

It was the last song that always killed me. It made me start thinking about my mother. Was she seeing this? Did she see me in the safest place I've been in years and understand whatever I didn't inside of me mixing together with the different feeling? I bet she did. I just had to wait for my letter in August.

It ended and we got up no saying anything. I got my phone and we went down the stairs. I was going. We had one kiss to last us a week. I closed my eyes kissing him. Making it as perfect and long as we could, we tried to make it hurt less to say goodbye for a week. A week that was so close to being forever. In the dark, I felt my back press cool against his car. My lips against his parting slightly. I had that different feeling just building up inside of me.

I wanted to say goodbye for seven days straight so we didn't have to. But it was getting later and later. And finally he pulled away. Pressing his lips to my forehead. "Goodnight," He said. He kissed my forehead again.

I closed my eyes. "Have fun in Maine." I said softly smiling a little.

"Have fun being grounded until Saturday." He said just as easily back. And he pulled me close to him just holding me. I held him back. I fit there in his arms. We always fit and here was proof. I was perfect there in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and he let go. I kissed him one more time. A short perfect kiss was exchanged.

And the next thing I knew I was walking away alone to my little silver car. I got in waving to him one more time. He was a shadow, the motion detector light behind him made him a silhouette. I pulled out, looking back at him before I was turning. He was standing there where I left him.

Watching me drive away for the first time.

I never once missed him driving away. And this was the first time he watched me drive away from him. I smiled a little to myself. I didn't regret not sleeping with him. Not now with him leaving for a week. I wasn't ready.

But I could feel myself missing him already as I drove home. Alone.

* * *

**A/N: BIG PLANS! It'll blow your head off I swear! Not really, BUT it's going to possibly change everything for this story and maybe "Last Place" too. So I hope you enjoy what's ahead. Review. Tell me what you think about the slight canges and if you're prepared for possible a huge one.**


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

On Saturday you'd have thought I would have gone out and hung out with Jess-ee-cah, but no I was at a store with Caitlyn as she picked out a slip and slide. It was so hot out and I smelled like sun block as expected after putting on enough to keep me form turning pink.

She was taking out one. It was bright and colorful. "What about this one?" She asked. I knelt down next to her.

"I don't know which one do you think goes faster?" I asked.

She paused, her eyebrows going down in concentration. She looked at the box. And then at me. "I think this one, the other ones look slow." She said. "The kids look like they're having more fun too."

I looked at the box harder. Playing along. "You're right," I said. "Let's get this one."

We've been to two stores because the other slides didn't look like they would go fast enough so we ended up here at the mall at the specialty pool store. I took it and walked up to the register. Caitlyn skipped beside me. I put it on the counter and the kid looked at me kind of funny.

I think he kid goes to school with me. Because he was easily questioning my need for a slip and slide. Especially since I'm seventeen and even though I'm short I doubt I could even see myself on it. But Caitlyn popped up out of nowhere looking up over the counter at the kid. His face riddled with mountains of acne. I felt bad for him so when he took my twenty bucks and looked at me I smiled at him. I think he blushed.

But the acne already made his skin red-ish so I couldn't really tell.

I could see Gap. I missed Paul so much. I didn't really know what to do with myself. So I just did chores and watched Caitlyn and Jake. I got Queenie her watermelon and who'd of thought you could run out of things to do so quickly. I was begging for another craze from Queenie. Her watermelon obsession was fine until yesterday afternoon. And now I was taking Caitlyn to get her slip and slide. Ungrounded and all.

There were at least three texts from Jess-ee-cah on my phone, but I knew I'd have to hear how amazing Thomas was and how stupid I was for not sleeping with Paul because I'm obviously basically obsessed with him otherwise.

The kid handed me my bag and we walked out. Caitlyn was excited. "Do you think Jake will want to play with it?" She asked skipping. She skips a lot when she's excited.

I nodded smiling. "Probably," I said.

"What about Anna?" She asked. "Do you think she will want to?"

I paused. "She's too old." I said. "The box said only 4 to 12 year olds could." She stopped skipping and walked normally as a carriage pushed her closer to me. The woman was pushing two little babies.

"Do you think mummy's having twins?" She asked me suddenly.

I looked at her. "No," I said. "She's only having one baby remember?" She had gone into the ultra-sound with Queenie and Bill. She was dying to. And weirdly she never asked where babies came from. She just accepted that the came.

"Do we know if it's a girl or a boy?" She asked.

"No," I said. "That's in an envelope for when they can't wait for the baby to come to find out." The plan was to be surprised by if it were a girl or a boy. But they figured might as well have it in a envelope unless they couldn't wait. So at least it was a "civilized decision" but I think they were going to crack soon.

She nodded. "Oh," She said. Then she pointed. "Isn't that the boy we met at the CD store?"

I looked ahead and saw Bennett. Walking towards his work. His back to us. I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "That's him."

Caitlyn looked at me expectantly. I paused looking back at her. "Are you going to say hi?" She asked. It's cute when she tries to act older. So I said yes and we went into the CD store. He was behind the counter.

"Hey," He said seeing me.

"Hi," I said. His eyes moved down to the slip and slide in the see through bag in my hand. He opened his mouth to say something. "We just bought a slip and slide."

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh," He said. "Cool."

Caitlyn was just looking at him. Not saying anything. "What's new?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I didn't see you and Paul last night," He said. "I played at one of the end of the year parties."

"There were two?" I asked suddenly.

"Yeah," He said easily. "I assumed you and Paul would go to the," he did air quotes. "'Emo' one. But did you?"

I shook my head. "Paul's in Maine," I said. "I stayed in last night."

"Really?" He asked smiling a little. "You missed a pretty awesome party."

I smiled. "I figured I would." I said. "How's summer so far for you?"

"I wish I was going to get to use my slip and slide instead of working, but..." He said smiling.

"You have a slip and slide?" Caitlyn asked suddenly. "You're too old. My sister Anna can't even use mine."

"Really?" He asked. "I'm not supposed to use it?"

She shook her head. "It's illegal." She said.

He stopped like this was a revelation in his life. "Thank you," He said to Caitlyn. It was nice of him to play along with her. And he was good at it. I smiled. He looked at me. "how have Paul and you been?"

I smiled. "Pretty good," I said.

He smiled a little. "In love yet?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "I'm too young."

He smiled. "You keep saying that but you'll wake up to the harsh reality someday." He said.

"I doubt it."

"I wouldn't if I were you."

His eyes met mine for a second and it caught me off guard for a second. Was he trying to say something to me? I doubted it. We were just having a short conversation. I switched the slip and slide to my other hand. "Are you playing any parties this week?" I asked.

"Tomorrow night," He said. "At my friend Aaron's house."

I nodded. "I'll try and make it," I said. "I haven't heard you play in forever." I smiled a little.

"Yeah," He said. "You should totally come. When's Mr. Spinella coming back?"

"Thursday," I said quickly. I was counting the days. Thinking about it every few seconds I had of doing absolutely nothing. But I decided not to let myself think about it too much because it would just make the time go so much slower.

He smiled. "See you tomorrow hopefully then," He said.

"Okay," I said. "We have to go use our slip and slide anyways." I said looking at Caitlyn. She got excited.

"Bye," Bennett said. We walked out and Caitlyn skipped happily to the car. I didn't have much longer to wait. Five days. That's all and he'd be home. But I missed Paul so much already. Five days seemed like a lifetime.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

I was soaking wet- first of all. Not only had Caitlyn learned how to work the sprayer on the hose but she had soaked me head to toe in my clothes. I wasn't mad, I just laughed it off. Jake sat on the stairs watching us and tugging at his socks.

He thought my dad would flip out if he came home and found us with a slide and slide. But turns out when Bill got home he was happy. Him and Queenie had gone to visit some relatives or something. They were Queenie's parents we weren't going to be able to see her and the baby because they go to New England in the summer.

She walked out onto the porch and watched us for a few minutes. I cleaned up, Caitlyn helping me roll it up and Bill brought her out to the shed to put the slip and slide someplace it wouldn't get ripped.

"Thank you for watching them," She said smiling. Queenie's been more sentimental now with me home with the kids, even if I was avoiding Jess-ee-cah.

I shook my hair a little droplets of water sprung out. I hoped I didn't look like a complete mess. My make up wasn't on because it had run down my face and I was soaking wet and hoped it didn't make me look like some girl after a wet t-shirt contest. "It's fine," I said. "I feel like I haven't seen them in forever.

The baby must have kicked, because Queenie winced and touched her stomach. I smiled a little. "I'm going to go change." I said.

Queenie nodded seeing Jake suddenly watching Bill and Caitlyn walk towards the shed. Walking through the kitchen I heard her start talking to him. The house was quiet. Anna was with her friends at the mall. One of them Chris, who I have decided she is hopelessly in love with- or as in love you can get at 13.

My room was quiet and cool. I had air conditioning unlike last year. Last year was murder, I'm surprised I didn't get sunburns while I slept it was so hot. But it was dark and cool. I checked my phone like I always do in hopes of a missed call from Maine or something. But no, he wasn't kidding. No phone reception in Maine.

I missed Paul. I've said that, but I looked across my room at my picture of him. This was weird. I wasn't supposed to miss him. It was only a few days. But here I was missing him so much it almost hurt.

I went over to my dresser and got out some dry clothes. I haven't been wet like this probably since I was little. My friends in middle school and early high school were more into lying by the poolside than jumping in. Even though I never tanned I figured I might as well try.

I'm still pale, so obviously lying in the sun did nothing but turn me pink.

But I've learned something new. Sun screen and lots of it. I changed and instantly went and got my handy-dandy bottle of SPF 15. I put some on my arms and my face. My phone buzzed. A text message. I paced myself. Trying not to throw myself on my bed and tear the phone open to look at it.

I opened it trying to look casual for no one. Jess-ee-cah. I didn't know hwy my hopes were so high. They shouldn't be. But I tried to shake of the disappointment. I hadn't been avoiding Jessicah. I just haven't been around when she texted me and she wasn't around when I texted her.

_Call me!_

So I sighed dialing her phone number. Waiting one ring and then: "Rainie!" She said. "God where have you been?"

"I was at the mall today," I said. "You weren't working. I thought you worked today."

"Yeah, well," She said. "Jacob likes me! Do you expect me to go to work after he told me that?"

I was happy for Jacob. God, he was obsessed with her and I could tell. But I was on the phone with Jessicah so I decided to talk to her not Jacob. "Oh, really?" I said. "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday," She said. "I texted you like three times, what were you doing these past few days anyways?"

I messed my hair in the back. It was so wet. "I've been with Caitlyn and Jake and stuff," I said. "Bill and Queenie are doing the whole visit-the-families-to-see-we're-really-pregnant stuff. But why didn't you call?"

She sighed. "What am I going to do?" She asked. "Thomas thinks I'm being so weird lately, and now with Jacob, like he's going to think I'm cheating on him."

I rolled my eyes. Thomas had to play into this somehow. "What about Jacob?" I asked. "Do you like Jacob?"

"No!" She said loudly. "Gross Rain, he's such a loser. I thought you had better taste than that."

"I thought you had better taste too." That slipped out. And before I could slip in a quick just-kidding she caught it.

"What?"

So I figured I might as well let it out. "Jacob isn't that bad." I said. "You might think Thomas is a Greek God or something, but at least Jacob is nice and finally admitted he liked you to your face."

She was quiet. "He's liked me for a while then?" She asked.

"For like forever," I said. "you couldn't tell?"

"Apparently not," She said. There was a long pause. "I thought you'd be with me on this though, I mean he's Jacob of all people-"

"Excuse me?" I said sitting down on my bed. "If I'm not mistaken I had the same exact thing happen to me with Sean and Paul."

She paused. "This is different..."

"No," I said quickly. I didn't believe I had thought of this. Of all things I wasn't one to know what to do with relationships. I was obviously a fail at all relationships. I never knew what to do, but suddenly I had a feeling I knew what I was talking. When it came to this at least. "I knew Paul longer than I knew Sean. And then Sean came along and we did the little friends-with-benefits for one night. And then suddenly Paul came into the picture and asked me out when I was set on Sean. Sounds pretty alike to me."

She was quiet. "But Rainie," She said changing the story around. "You and Paul are like high school dream couple. Me and Jacob fight nonstop about pretzels."

I paused. I never heard anything like that about me and Paul from Jessicah of all people. I looked down at my comforter. "Just consider him Jess," I said. "He's cute, he's funny, and you know each other pretty well."

She groaned. "I thought you'd say that." She said. "Do you think you can come to my house tonight?"

I paused. "I don't know," I said. "I'll try..."

"Please Rainie!" She begged. "I need my best friend to help me here. I'm desperate and confused. I need you!" She was kidding she wasn't this desperate. The begging was only to make me laugh.

I smiled. "Okay," I said. "I'll come over."

"Perfect," She said. "What time?"

* * *

I sat down on her bed. She plopped down on her bean-bag chair from middle school she brought back from her basement. "So tell me everything," I said.

She exhaled. "Okay," She shifted. "So it was a normal day and everything. Thomas came by and gave me my cell phone because I forgot it over his house or something. And then Jacob just starts saying how Thomas isn't good enough for me and how he's a dick and everything."

"Just randomly?" I asked.

"Yeah," She said. "Completely out of the blue, just tells me my boyfriend is a jerk. So I ask him why he cared and then he just said that he liked me."

She stopped talking. "And what did you say to him?" I asked waiting for her to continue.

"That's it though," She said. "I had no idea what to say and he just left. Saying he was going on a break and for me to cover for him and card him out and shit. I didn't get a chance to say anything, he just left me there."

I paused. Thinking about what to say. It was Jessicah of all people. "When are you working with him next?" I asked.

"Tomorrow," She said. "but I might call in sick again. I can't work knowing he likes me."

"Why not?" I asked. "It's not any different from before."

She shook her head looking at the ground. "I should have seen this coming. I mean I've dated half of the guys in Kerrington, why the hell did I miss this?"

I smiled a little. "I was surprised you hadn't already." I said. "It's been like six months."

Her eyes widened. "Why didn't you tell me?" She said loudly smiling. "I'm here thinking about quitting and you could have let me avoid this whole thing. Some friend you are." I crossed my legs sitting fully on her bed. I put my palms to her in surrender.

"I don't know anything about relationships and guys." I said. "I didn't think he really liked you until Thomas came into the picture and by then this would have happened."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that." She said.

"What?" I lowered my arms looking at her.

"The whole I-know-nothing-about-relationships spiels." She said.

"I don't,"

She threw her arms out at me. "The girl whose hopelessly in love with some kid she's only know like four months," She said. "Claims she doesn't get relationships at all. You and Paul are like obsessed with each other. How can you not understand relationships?"

"I'm not in love with him." I said. "You can't love someone after three months."

"Hypocrite!" She pointed her finger at me smiling. "How can you say you're not completely in love with him. You haven't gone out since he left even though you aren't even grounded anymore-"

"I've only been ungrounded for one day!" I said laughing. "What am I supposed to do? Besides I'm going out tomorrow."

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"A Kerrington party," I said matter-of-factly. "To see Bennett play."

She raised her eyebrows. "Paul's going to flip if he heard that." She said. "All the guys tease him because of how paranoid he is about you and all of those rumors."

I paused. "Why didn't you tell me that?" I asked.

"It's sort of hard to overlook, Rainie." She said.

"I told him I wasn't cheating on him." I said. "He asked me about me and Bennett, remember?" But it was still unsettling to know he still thought I could cheat on him. I cared about him so much. Him being away was proof to me. I missed him so much, and it hurt still knowing he was scared I was going to.

She rolled her eyes smiling. "Yeah, but," She said. "Come on, he knows how guys look at you obviously and he knows all of those rumors that go on and on about you and Bennett. I don't blame Paul for being scared. He's like in love with you anyways."

I looked at her. "Why does everyone expect me to be in love with him?" I asked. "I mean, I like him so much, but we've only known each other a few months. We're obviously not in love with each other."

She stopped looking at me. "You are basically attached at the hip." She said. "There is probably not five minutes in a day where you guys aren't texting or something or planning to see each other. You guys are just perfect for each other. You're so annoying to him and he puts up with it. He's so opinionated and you can fight back at him. Honestly, you guys are like married."

I was quiet thinking about this. "I don't love him." I said.

She wasn't going to fight me anymore. "Okay," She said. "You don't love him." She put her arms up in surrender.

There was a long pause. I rolled around what she had said in my mind. About how we were practically married and how somehow we were perfect for each other. Of course we were perfect for each other. We always made sense. We always fit perfectly. And suddenly other people could see it. They could see that somehow we weren't a mystery; together we made sense.

"Have you even slept with him yet?" She asked. I looked at her. She wasn't acting normal. She was looking at me kind of weird.

I shook my head. "Before he left we almost did," I said shrugging one shoulder. "I said no though."

"I thought you said like a month ago you'd sleep with him if he asked you to." She said, her eyebrows going down. Suddenly the roles had switched. She was being the good friend that was always there. She was being the person that took care of me when I was drunk before Paul.

Now my life was so weird. It was almost split in half. There was such a thing as 'Before Paul' which sounded weird running through my mind. I nodded. "I wasn't ready for some reason," I said. "Everything's so different all of a sudden."

She smiled a little. "It's called Getting Serious," She said. "It happens to everyone eventually if they reach that point. Welcome to the world of serious relationships, Hun."

I nodded. I looked over to the window. I leaned back onto my hands. I was in a serious relationship. I was never like this before. I have people to blame for that, but suddenly I felt kind of equal. Like this was all okay. It was okay. Everything settled. It made sense, I was in a serious relationship.

I never saw that coming.

Jess-ee-cah sighed. She dropped back into her bean-bag chair. She rubbed her eyes. "Rain?" She asked.

I looked at her. "Mmhmm?" I said.

She kept her fingers pressed into her sockets. She was about to come to a revelation I knew it. It's happened before. "I think I like Jacob."

I smiled a little. "Welcome to the world of Non-friends-with-benefits Relationships." I said.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

I went to the mall of all places. Not knowing what to do with myself. Caitlyn was at day-camp today and Jake was busy with Bill. They do a lot of stuff together whenever my dad is home from work long enough. I don't know what they do but once they went fishing. Once they went to the park. Once they went to the library. They go all over the place.

I sat in the food court and got some ice cream. Jess-ee-cah was working, I was originally there for moral support but Jacob had called in sick so she was manning the Pretzel Shack alongside sweaty smelly Tom who I thought looked like Thomas, but then again all pigs look the same to me.

There were people all walking around. Mothers with their little kids all eating fast food and a few indie-rock looking couples eating vegan food next to me. Everyone was so wrapped up in themselves, I wondered if someone watched me and Paul like I am watching everyone else. I bet they do. Just look at us and think about that person in high school they dated.

But that depressed me a little so I looked at my melting cup of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food and decided to give up. I wasn't in the mood. I wasn't hungry and all I wanted to do was listen to the Smashing Pumpkins- which was a completely random and out of the blur feeling.

I got up walking past the indie-rock couple who were smiling eating tofu-whatever. I threw away my ice cream and kept walking. I felt so wallflower-esque I thought I might just turn into a strip of wallpaper and just watch everyone.

I went down the escalators and started walking towards Section Q, when the CD store Bennett worked at caught my eye. I could see if he was working. But then again, I could see if they had any Smashing Pumpkins in the used CD section- or else I'd have to wait until Thursday to borrow it from Paul.

The store always blasts random music. I never know who makes these play-lists but it's pretty good. At least it isn't what's-her-face and her new hit single. I looked at the register which was manned by a kid named Robbie who was pretty annoying. I figured I could still look in the used CD section.

I walked past the vinyl section. In the back is where they keep all the used CDs. They all have bright yellow stickers on them that say 'USED' in case you weren't aware it was the USED section.

The 'S' section was pretty big. I started going through it. Sigur Rus. Sufjan Stevens. They were all mixed together. I didn't know any of them. Sunday Drive. I knew that one. I picked it up and look at it. It was five bucks, which was a good deal I guess. I took it and went on flipping. I came out Smashing Pumpkin-less. Which was a little disappointing.

"Rainie," I turned and it was Bennett. He was walking towards me. A stack of newly yellow-sticker-ed CDs. "Hey."

"Hi," I said.

"What are you doing?" He asked. He looked at the CD in my hand.

I shrugged. "I'm getting to be pretty broke," I said. "So I can't really afford full-priced CDs."

He smiled a little. He put the stack down on the 'X' 'Y' and 'Z' section that was barely anything at all. "I see," He said. He started sorting them. "Sunday Drive?" He looked at it. "Love that record."

I nodded. "I know," I said. "It's pretty cheap. I figured why not."

"What are you looking for?" He asked. Still sorting not looking at me. I watched his hands. They were so familiar to sorting CDs it was like Paul folding sweaters.

"Nothing," I said. I was a little embarrassed because he of all people knew I'm not an original Smashing Pumpkins fan. I only liked them because of Paul.

"Is it something embarrassing?" He asked. "Do I not want to ask?"

"No," I said. "I was just looking."

"Nobody like you just browses." He said. "Do you even have a stereo?"

I looked at him. "I may not have a record player at home," I said. "But give me some credit. Yes, I do have a stereo at home."

He laughed. "Then just tell me." He said. "I can help you."

I looked back at the sections of CDs. "Smashing Pumpkins," I mumbled. I could hear him smirking. I looked at him ready to warn him to not break out into a Rainie-Joseph-and-Paul-Spinella-are-in-love lecture. I've had too many.

"Really?" He said. He dug through his stack. Surely enough he handed me 'Siamese Dream' like it was no big deal. This had a big crack in it so it was only three bucks.

"Thanks," I said looking at it. "Rough shape though."

He shrugged looking at it. "You can switch the covers around no problem." He said. "It isn't a big deal. Rob always marks those way down for some reason."

I nodded. Taking it and my Sunday Drive CD. "You're pretty good at working here," I said. "I have to admit."

He smiled sticking in about seven CDs into the 'T' section. "Thanks," He said. "Why don't you get a job if you're broke?"

I paused. "I don't know," I said. "They're all too boring."

He smiled sticking another clump into the 'S' section. He stepped around me putting the rest into all different sections in the beginning of the alphabet. "I think that's just and excuse." He said. "If you had a job you could buy your boyfriend un-used CDs."

"These are for me actually." I said. "Paul has all of them already."

He looked at me. "Really?" He said. He put the last CD into the 'O' section. He looked back seeing a misplaced CD. He took it putting it where it belonged. That's when I saw it. I fought it. But it was right there. I reached out and took it. Oasis.

He looked at it. Peaking down and seeing it. "What's that?" He asked.

"Oasis," I said.

"Don't they sing that song 'Wonderwall'?" He asked his eyebrows furrowed.

I nodded. Whenever I hear that song I always think about Paul. That epic day in IHOP when we decided the next song that played would be our song. Which is what I guess a song like that must do to everyone. "Yup," I said.

"And isn't that one of those records you bought Paul way back when on the old one-month?" He asked.

I sighed. "Yep." I said. "What are you getting at?"

He smiled like he had something good to say but was just holding it in to make me want to hear it more. "Someone's missing a certain someone else." He said in a sing song voice.

I tried not to smile. I finally let myself smile and I shook my head. "So what if I am?" I said.

"Nothing," He said. He started walking away. But I followed. He went behind the counter and I went up to his register. He took my CDs and rang them up.

"Where's this party tonight?" I asked.

"It's like 11 Philadelphia Road," He said. "It's right near Route 27. You won't miss it though." He took my money and then pretty a few buttons and I got some discount. I didn't know what it was. I just hoped it wasn't stealing. He gave me back my change and put my CDs into a bag.

That guy Robbie checked me out. It was really obvious and he didn't seem to care. I took my CDs. "See you tonight," I said smiling.

"See you, Mrs. Spinella." He smiled back.

* * *

I sipped my beer. I felt weird in line for the keg. Not only that I felt weird having the guy at the keg hitting on me and I just smiled and took my beer and walked away. It's been so long since I went solo to a party. I knew some people, but without Paul something just didn't seem right.

"Rain-ie Jo-seph!"

I turned and it was this boy Jonah. I think that's his name. He was a little drunk. "What are you doing here?" He asked smiling. He was walking over to me.

"Hi," I said. He didn't stop walking he hugged me. I moved my arm out so I didn't dump all of my beer on his back or something. He squeezed me and then moved away.

"Wow," He said grinning. "I haven't seen you without that boyfriend of yours in months!"

I smiled a little. "He's on vacation right now." I said.

The kid's eyebrows went up. "And he left you here all alone?" He asked. "What kind of guy is that?" Yes, this was defiantly that kid Jonah. I remembered how he always acted like this as a joke.

I smiled. "Oh well," I said.

"Are you here to hear Bennett play?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "Do you know when he does?"

Jonah whipped out his cell phone. "Like five minutes," He said. "Ah, shit, I had to help him like a half hour ago. I'll see you downstairs." He walked away. Slipping into the crowd. I figured I could go downstairs anyway. He'd play any minute.

I met Bennett at a party he played. I had thought he was cute, because Bennett was pretty cute and everything. But I didn't know him. So we just started talking- this was when I was dating that kid Kenny- and we sort of got to know each other. I used to like him until we sort of just became more friends than having any chance of becoming more than that.

But I stood to the side crossing my arm over my chest and sipping my beer watching him set up. He had a microphone set on low probably and a guitar. He was nodding talking to Jonah and this short chubby kid I remembered meeting with Paul a few times. His name was Aaron.

Then he started playing. A lot of people listened because of how good he is. He's amazing. He's so good at singing and he writes all of his own songs. He does covers of songs he likes too. Sunday Drive and stuff like that. But he sort of caught me off-guard.

He put a capo on his acoustic guitar. Paul is the only reason I know what a capo is. It's that clamp-y thing that holds down all the strings so it sounds cooler. That's not the straight form the book definition but it's close enough for me. And it makes chords easier. Then he started playing.

I would know it anywhere. I was listening to it all afternoon. He was playing 'Wonderwall' and weirdly enough it sounded so similar. I didn't think he knew I was there but he kept playing singing with his eyes closed tight. He was amazing at it, but it made me miss Paul. And it made me feel sick inside because I was here at a party just to see Bennett of all people.

I told myself this was okay. And I think I started listening to myself because when Bennett finished playing 'Wonderwall' I didn't feel a sick feeling in my stomach anymore.

* * *

I was on the back porch drinking beer and I heard the door slid open and shut. I turned and it was Bennett. "Hi," He said.

"Hi," I said.

"What's up?" He came over taking out a cigarette. He lit it and took in a drag. "Want one?" He asked blowing out a trail of smoke. I've never had a cigarette before in my life. But I knew what it felt like to smoke.

"Can I just have one drag?" I asked.

He passed it to me. I inhaled the smoke. It was really calm sinking down into my stomach and forming a warm cloud of smoke in my gut. I exhaled and it slipped out making me feel cold inside. But I passed it back to Bennett and he kept smoking. "You were so good tonight," I said.

"Thanks," He said. "I didn't see you."

"I was off to the side." I said. "But I liked your cover of 'Wonderwall'."

He smiled a little. "I listened to it this afternoon." He said. "It was pretty easy to figure out. Chords were simple anyways."

I nodded. I looked out into the darkness. "That's me and Paul's song." I said. I never told anyone that. I had a feeling he never told anyone either. It was just in between us. But I told Bennett for some reason. It seemed appropriate and even if it's not a big secret there's always a part of you that wants to tell someone.

He nodded. He was quiet. "It's okay if you miss him Rainie." He said. "The guy isn't dead, but it's not a big deal if you miss him."

I shrugged. "It's only been like half a week though and I miss him so much." I said.

Bennett shrugged. "So what?" He said.

"I don't know." I said. "I have no idea what I'm doing right now anyways."

He laughed a little. He smoked and I took in the secondhand smoke. We were quiet. I looked at him. "You seem to know a lot about relationships." I said.

He shrugged. "I just know what it's like to like someone a lot." He said.

I looked at him. "Who do you like?" I asked smiling.

He looked at me. "I'm not telling you." He said.

"Why not?"

"Because it's a personal thing and it's complicated." He said.

I rolled my eyes. "What makes it so complicated?" Everyone makes up that excuse. Whose simple anymore? Everyone can easily say something complicated but we still go so far to try and explain it.

He was quiet. "Because she doesn't like me back. She's in love with someone else."

I looked at him suddenly. I felt bad. "I'm sorry," I said. He looked at me. He shrugged.

"Whatever," He said. "It doesn't hurt so much anymore. I'm moving on."

I pause looking at him. I felt bad. He was my friend. I hugged him. And he hugged me back. I knew rumors would start, but I was convinced there was no way in hell I'd ever cheat on Paul. Especially not with Bennett he was like a brother to me.

I felt better about missing Paul so much. I went home and took Anna's CD player and crawled into bed. I opened my smashed Smashing Pumpkins CD and took out the disk putting it into the CD player. I fell asleep during Mayonnaise and woke up to a loud sudden crash of symbols and music.

Why can't time go faster when we need it to?

* * *

**A/N: Predictions? **_Why do I ask when half of you read this before? HAH! Because so many changes are going to happen, you won't have any idea what's going on almost. I feel so strange it's been so long. I've been so blocked lately/super stressed and what not. Next chapter Paul's coming home. _**What do you think? How has Rainie changed from the beginning of the story? Did you like Jonah's guess appearance? **

**Review please XD**


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

I sat on my porch. It was Wednesday. Which meant I had to deal with a whole other day before he was back. I was sitting on my porch. It was warm out. The nice summer kind, where it just feel nice. You don't get goose-bumps and you don't sweat. You just can go and sit comfortably outside.

Anna was letting me borrow her CD player. She knew I missed Paul a lot. In fact everyone did in my house. They all treated me nicely. I did chores less and went grocery shopping less. They all gave me a break. But I was getting bored. I figured I could apply for a job somewhere. Maybe get some money together. Bennett said there was a job opening at the CD store but I didn't want to work there. He came with me when I went asking for applications, too.

Bennett and I didn't hang out a ton. We went around the mall yesterday when I complained I didn't have any money or anything to do. I had an application to my favorite store, the Gap- which I knew Paul would never let me work there, and a little girl's store. But I was late for the summer job search. There wasn't much I could do for work.

But I got as many applications as I could.

I was invited out with Jess-ee-cah tonight, she was going to try and break up with Thomas. But I said no. I wasn't in the mood. So I ended up in a rocking chair on my front porch blasting Smashing Pumpkins and trying to make out all the words the guy was singing. I always ended up memorizing them.

The front door opened and I turned my head. It was Queenie, she smiled. I took my headphones off. She eased herself down onto the rocking chair. The baby was due late July. One month almost exactly. A few weeks short of my own birthday. But Queenie was pretty huge. She waddled and was slow. She had trouble sitting down and standing up. But she managed. Kid Number 5 seemed more manageable for her.

"It's so nice out," She said sighing sitting back touching her stomach.

The world was tinted gold. It was one of those summer days when the sun starts to set and it washes the earth with gold. I nodded smiling a little. "I know," I said. "It's so pretty." I pushed hair behind my ear and went quiet looking around.

"Paul home tomorrow?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Finally."

She smiled looking at me. And then forward again. The sun just started setting so it'd be a while before it was actually dark. "You've really changed." She said. "I've noticed it a lot after you started seeing Paul."

I looked at her. "I feel different." It was true. There were times talking to Jess-ee-cah where I felt like we were completely different people. I was new. Something about me was different, I didn't look to Paul for the reason but he could be a factor in all of it.

"When I met you," She started. "You were such a bad person." I smiled. "No offense." She said.

I laughed a little. "It's okay," I said. This was more like talking to a best friend than a step-mother. "I was horrible."

She laughed a little. "I was so scared about letting you get to know the kids," She said. "But you're becoming such a smart and unique person."

I shrugged. "I've been through a lot." My smile faded. I have and I knew that better than anyone.

There was a long quiet pause. "I'm sorry about your mother," She said. "I don't know what happened exactly, but I don't want to. I know what it did to you and Bill." I looked at her. She meant it. I don't know why people say sorry. It's not their fault. I got an apology form the guy who hit her too. But I never blamed him either.

Whoever took my mother from me was going to give me something in return someday hopefully. Something that makes everything worth it. My mother can't be replaced, but there has to be a reason why she was taken in the first place.

I nodded. "You don't need to say sorry." I said.

She reached out and touched my hand. "I know she'd be so proud of you Rainie." She said. "You've changed so much this past year." She started to tear up. I bit my lip promising myself I wouldn't cry. I wasn't going to be weak right now. I squeezed her hand.

Queenie was a good mother. She wasn't half of one to me, she was like a substitute for the one I lost. She was supposed to be a mother. And she proved it by being good enough as a mother for me. I smiled a little.

"Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome." She said.

We were quiet. She moved both of her hands to her stomach and I looked out over our from yard tinted gold. One more day I could go through. This week was pretty bad. It wasn't awful but at least I knew there was something good waiting for me at the end. He was coming home. That was good enough.

I hugged my legs to my chest and made myself feel so small. It was a pretty cool feeling. Caitlyn came out. "Mommy," She said. "Jake doesn't feel good."

Queenie didn't complain. She never does. After everything she's been through. She's had the shittiest life really now that I look at it. Pregnant at seventeen. Divorce. But here she was pregnant with kid number five, and she wasn't breaking a sweat. She had her few seconds of calmness in the world and now she had to go back to her own life.

I'd have given up if I were her. I really would have. But she didn't for some reason. And here she was happy and in a house full of a family anyone would want and give anything for. I guess it's safe to say there's always something good at the end of something bad. I didn't know what it was for me. But I guess I'll figure it out.

I always can figure everything out.

I reached down and picked up my Oasis CD. It was in better shape than the other two. I took it out and put it in. Listening to it. The songs Paul complained through. Everything leading up to 'Wonderwall' and it was an amazing feeling to listen to it right now even if I was alone of all things.

I closed my eyes and listened to the songs of the CD that followed.

The sound faded shortly and I could just hear a car door slam. It was probably a neighbor looking at me like a creep. I was sitting in a ball on a rocking chair with my eyes closed. I was a little nutty. I have to admit it. I sighed opening my eyes.

I saw him, my eyes landing right one him. We both smiled a little. I felt so happy. I took my headphones off and left them behind the rocking chair taking off when I pushed away. There was a sharp clank as the CD player and the headphones crashed to the ground but I cut across the lawn. His SUV was parked where it always had been.

He stood there uncrossing his arms and taking me in. I just held him. He held me back. He didn't smell like Maine, he smelled the same. I felt that different feeling. But it was so much stronger than ever before. It was like it was a drug. It felt so good to be in his arms. I smiled into his chest. He kissed my head.

"I missed you so much." I whispered turning my face pressing my ear to his heart.

"I missed you too." I listened to his voice and it vibrated in me like it always did. And his heart picked up speed.

I tipped my face up to kiss him. I didn't want to make a scene, because I could have kissed him for a week. I missed him so much all of a sudden. I wanted to cram all of this into a few minutes but it was impossible. I didn't want to look sloppy because all of our neighbors are old and they'd think I was a whore or something making out with my boyfriend on my front lawn. I don't want Mrs. Camden looking out and seeing me and Paul.

That'd make Girl Scout Cookie selling awkward in the Fall when I would have to go with Caitlyn.

He pulled away smiling. His hands moved to a ring around my waist. Mine looped around his neck. "Can I ask you something important?" I asked smiling a little.

"Yeah," He said.

I leaned into his ear. Letting him anticipate. "How many times did you lose cards against your grandmother?" I asked.

He smiled into my hair. He saw this coming I knew suddenly. "Thirty-one." He said. "I won seven games total."

I smiled kissing his neck once moving away. "That was expected." I said. He smiled shaking his head. He kissed me again. My heart started pounding. I missed perfect kisses like this so much too.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

The sun was out to get me again. I was turning pink. He had noticed and teased me about it, but as soon as he came home the sun came out to try and make me less happy to have him back. I poked my arm, the bright yellow spot of my finger faded back to pink. I turned letting my legs go onto the couch in his room. I leaned against him. He was filling out job applications. Why? He's finally getting pushed over the edge by Steve.

"What's wrong?" He asked. His arm moved as he took another application.

"It's too hot." I said.

He sighed. I had complained again and again that it was too hot. He turned the temperature down to sixties in his room. He did this, he did that. But it was hot outside. I didn't feel hot. I was just burning whenever I stepped out the door. "Stop complaining." He said.

"I'm turning pink!" I said. I turned so I was sitting normally next to him. "Look at me! I'm fucking pink now." I showed him my pink arm. He shook his head pressing his finger into it watching it fade back to pink. He kissed my forehead and went back to filling out applications.

I didn't want to complain that I was bored. I was bored, but he didn't tell me to come over and he didn't tell me he was busy when I showed up. I just wanted to hang out with him for hours. His family is staying a few more days and he wanted to come back because he had to work or else he'd get fired. He sounded like his job was important. All he does now is fold t-shirts- sweater season died a few months ago.

I looked at the application. "You're applying for a job at the record store?" I asked.

"Yeah," He said. He went out filling the application. He didn't have neat handwriting. It wasn't bad- it was just boy-ish. You could read it and everything it was what I expected his handwriting to look like.

"Cool," I said. I watched him filling them out. I leaned against his arm and he stopped looking at me.

"If you're bored you can go." He said. "I just need to get these done."

I sat up again. "I'm not bored." I didn't want to go what-so-ever. I wanted to just be with him. He looked at me sighing shaking his head. I smiled kissing his cheek. "Do you want to get rid of me?"

"No," He said quickly.

I leaned my head against his shoulder. He finished the application. "It's going to be weird having you work somewhere else." I said. "Steve'll miss you."

He smiled kissing my forehead. "I hate my job." He said.

I smiled. "You can't hate your job." I said.

"I do," He said. He finished the seventh application I've watched him fill out. He put them on the table close by I sat up again and he sat back flexing his hand. "God," He said under his breath.

I got up sitting on his lap facing him. "I need to tell you something," I said looking at him. I wasn't serious- but he got really serious.

"Okay," He said.

I leaned into his ear. I paused. "I only date Gap employees." I said. He shook his head sighing.

"I should have stayed in Maine." He said. I kissed his neck once, moving my lips up to his. I kissed him. Closing my eyes and kissing him. I don't remember what it's like to kiss non-Gap employees. But I'd find out soon. I don't think it'd be any different actually.

* * *

We were just lying there. I was lying on top of him. My ear against his chest listening to his heart. I closed my eyes as his lips pressed against my forehead. "Are you hungry?" I asked him.

"Are you?" He asked.

"Why?"

"Never mind," He said shutting up. Now he was good at avoiding me winning. I still counted it though. Rainie: 305. Paul: 0.

I shifted lifting my head p resting my chin on his chest. His face was so close. "Are you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Sure," He said.

"Do you know where we haven't gone in forever?" I asked.

He just looked at me. "We've been to IHOP at least fifty times," He said rolling his eyes. I kissed him softly.

"You," I said looking at him. My face was inches from his. "Love pancakes. I know it. You know it. Why do you try and hide it Paul Spinella?"

He just looked at me. He was giving in. I just needed to wait three seconds. I counted them slowly in my head. "Fine," He said. Rainie: 306. Paul: 0. I think I should let him win at least once one of these days. I smiled kissing him.

Someone knocked on his door. I was already off of him. He sighed running a hand through his hair walking over to the door. He opened it, I'd feel kind of awkward if it was his mother or something. This wasn't really a great way to meet them. Paul having the house to himself for a few days and us being alone in his room was too familiar to me. Paul was always so different from everything I'm used to with Boys. "Hey," He opened his door.

It was Caroline. "You left me with them on purpose!" She jabbed her finger in his chest. "You piece of shit. I can't believe you. Me and Brian go to get ice cream and I come back and you are just gone!"

"You can't blame me." He said laughing. "They stuck me in there playing cards with Gran all day. I hate that vacation."

She gave him a dirty look. I felt invisible. But she saw me smiling. "Hi Rainie," She said.

"Hi," I said. I ran my fingers through my hair.

Caroline looked at Paul. "Did you ask her yet?" That got me curious. I didn't know what it was and it interested me. I walked closer to them. Paul squirmed- it took a lot to make Paul squirm. I've only seen him squirm once in my life and that was when he asked me out. It was something I haven't seen in forever.

"No," He said. "I wasn't going to."

Caroline rolled her eyes. She looked at me. "I'm getting married at the end of July and I want Paul to bring you." She said. "All of our sane relatives couldn't make it."

"This is how you get back at me?" Paul shot her a dirty look. She was already turning.

"Yep," She said smiling. "Love you little brother." She shut the door leaving us alone. There were now two things in the world I knew that made Paul uncomfortable. One was asking a girl he liked out. The other was weddings.

He looked at me, wincing at the grin on my face. "I love weddings." That made him sigh. I moved closer to him my arms moving around his neck. I just didn't like Bill's wedding because it meant my mother was officially gone. "If you don't want me to go I'll say no."

"Do you want to?" He asked moving his arms around my waist.

I nodded. "Sure," I said. "Why don't you want me to?"

"My family." He said.

I considered this. He made his family seem like Satan made clones of itself and made up the Spinella family. Even Caroline did just a few minutes ago. I looked at him. "Is your mom going to rip me to pieces."

He paused looking at me. "She'll probably like you," He said.

"And if she doesn't?" I asked making a face. My eyebrows went down.

"You'll know it." He said. He kissed my forehead. "Are you sure?"

I smiled. "Yes," I said. "No dancing though. I'm uncoordinated."

He raised his eyebrows. "Thank God," He kissed me again. I closed my eyes kissing him back. "Come on," I said. "I'm starving. I need pancakes."

He smiled shaking his head.

* * *

We had our normal waitress. She smiled a lot bigger when she saw us because we haven't been here in a while. I wonder if Paul notices how she acts around us. This certain waitress. The older one who looks at us like we're all the hope there is in the world. We sat down and she brought us water. "Do you want what you normally have?" She asked.

"Sure," I said. I looked at Paul.

"Yeah," He said. "Thanks."

The waitress walked away with out menus. I looked at him excitedly. I grabbed his hand. "We're regulars!" I said so only he heard it.

"What?" He said.

"You know in movies," I said. "And the people always go to these diners and get 'the regular' and stuff and the waitresses and waiters always know what they're talking about? That's us now! I always wanted that to happen. It always sounds so cool."

He laughed at me. Sipping his water. "You're ridiculous." He said.

I rolled my eyes. "Like you don't think it's awesome where after the fifty times we've been here we're now officially regulars." I said.

He sighed. Rainie: 308. Paul: 0.

"What's the date of Caroline's wedding?" I asked. I opened the straw sitting next to his. He never uses a straw. I love them. I stick it into my glass of water taking a sip.

"July twenty-seventh," He said.

I paused. "Queenie's due date is the thirtieth," I said. I looked down at the table. "Do you think I'll still get to go?"

He paused. "Probably," He said. "I mean, if you can't whatever." I knew he didn't have his heart set on me going. Now I was a little nervous about saying yes because I know there's a chance the baby might come early. But that is just as likely as it will come late too. So I wasn't sure. I looked up, a group of kids walked in.

My eyes caught Bennett's. He looked at me smiling a little. He waved walking to his table next to one of his friends. I just looked at him. I couldn't wave back, there was some weird feeling about me doing it especially right there in front of Paul. Things are always rocky when it comes to Paul and Bennett together.

But I looked at Paul. "I want to go," I said smiling. "So badly. Weddings are usually so fun."

He smiled a little. "Brian's family hates mine so there will probably be a few good fights between my mom and someone else." He said. "My mother's such a bitch."

I shook my head smiling a little. "You're so mean about her." I said. "I'm terrified to meet her. You make it sound like she's going to rip me apart."

He shook his head. "I'm pretty sure she's going to love you." He said.

Paul was always welcome in my family. Everyone collectively liked him. Anna met him once or twice but when he gets to the door he ends up talking to my dad or Jake or Caitlyn. If this is what it's always like when boys meet your family I don't know what I was missing. But then again Paul's different.

Paul's always been different.

* * *

**A/N: Predictions?** _I've been so busy lately. Argh._ **Review please. This is where it morphs into a whole new story almost. Those readers who read the original get some new stuff to possibly enjoy. Review review review. Predict abour the wedding. Predict about Rainie's relationships with people. Predict about Rainie and Paul's relationship. Review please.**


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Are you ready? This is a quick taste of what's ahead. So get ready. Crave more.**

Chapter 39

I liked cool summer nights. His house was still empty so we went over there. We just sat on his porch which was facing the woods. I crossed my legs kicking my shoes off and he just sat normally against the house. There wasn't any furniture because his parents took it in so it wouldn't get stolen. The porch was nice though. It didn't creak like mine. They were a lot alike but his was bigger and fancier.

"When's your band playing next?" I asked looking at him. Sometimes I forgot he was even in a band because he stopped mentioning it.

"Next Friday," He said staring off of his porch. I knew he hated his band. Well he didn't hate it. He just stopped complaining. I think he thinks he won't have any friends if he leaves it. Which isn't true because there are more kids at parties he talks to. But he'll end up being in this band longer than our relationship will last anyways. Which is a sad way to look at it. But right now I can feel cracks in our relationships forming slowly. Mostly between him towards me.

I nodded. "Thomas and Jess are going to break up." I said looking off of the porch too. "She likes this other kid."

Paul was a little quiet. "Gina and Jack are going to break up too." He said.

I whipped my head around looking at him. "What?" We didn't hang out with Gina and Jack outside of Caustic shows and parties. They were in love. I was convinced. I always envied how perfect they were for each other. Them breaking up was the apocalypse. We're all screwed if they don't belong with each other.

"Tonight," Paul said. "Jack's been planning it for weeks. He talks to me about that shit because he thinks I get relationships for some reason."

I looked at Paul listening to what he just said. "What don't you get about relationships?" I asked. I leaned onto my fist looking at him. I wasn't being mean I was just curious again. We can probably talk about anything. This wasn't a big deal.

He shrugged. "They're just confusing sometimes." He said, he looked at me. That's something you don't really know how to take. I had no idea what he was trying to say. I looked down picking at my toes.

"Do you think ours is?" I asked looking down. This was a serious talk. I was a little scared.

He was quiet. I looked at him and he was looking at the ground. He crossed his legs and stared at the floor. For a second I though I hadn't even said anything. He wasn't even looking like he was thinking about anything. He was just sitting there staring at the ground. "Yeah," He said. "Sometimes. The thing is," He shifted not looking at me still. "Whenever things are confusing I always feel like it's worth it, you know."

I nodded. He wasn't looking at me but I couldn't really say anything because it got me thinking. This relationship was easy for me. It was like breathing. There were times when I didn't get why I liked him so much or missed him so much when he was gone. But what he said made sense. I looked at him and he looked really honest.

Like he did in the gas station when he asked me out. Like he did in all of those pictures from the disposable cameras. He wasn't trying to be anyone. He amazed me all of a sudden. Even now in a talk like this he was just being completely himself.

He shook his head a little looking at me. "I care about you so much," He said. His eyes were so soft. I just wanted to say everything he said back to him. But I didn't I just looked at him. Trying to look at him as honest as I could. It was easy.

It was the gold time at night. Where the world was gold and transformed. I just looked at him. He was so honest. He reached over and took my hand. He just held it. I wove my fingers into his and looked at the difference between them. But they fit perfectly.

"I don't believe I've only known you four months." He said softly. "It's impossible."

I looked at him right in the eyes. I didn't back down even if it scared me. He was being completely himself. I squeezed his hand. "Only four?" I said.

He nodded. "I was thinking about that today." He said.

Four months. So many things can happen in four months, but knowing each other seemed like it would take years to know each other this well. I was scared somehow I didn't know him at all but I knew that wasn't true. I knew him like I knew myself. We weren't in love or attached at the hip. We were just Rainie and Paul.

I moved over sitting next to him. I leaned against him. He moved and arm around me. You could see the sun-setting. He was still. I closed my eyes. I felt so safe all of a sudden. "Rain," He said. "Can I tell you something?"

"Mm-hmm," I said softly. Right now was perfect for anything.

"I'm falling in love with you." He said.

My eyes opened. Right now wasn't perfect for that.

* * *

I knocked on Jess-ee-cah's door. "Come in," She called. I burst in. She was sitting on her bed with her iPod in reading. She looked up and saw the look on my face. Her eyes widened. She tore her headphones out. "He didn't!"

Then suddenly I wanted to cry. I nodded looking down. I crossed my arms and looked down. She had jumped up not seeing this and was so happy. She came over and hugged me excitedly. Then she saw that I wasn't happy.

"What?" She said looking at me. "Please don't tell me you broke up!"

I shook my head. I didn't know what to say. "We were just sitting and..." I shook my head rubbing my eye. "He said he was falling in love with me. It was the greatest timing and everything and I just didn't say anything."

Her jaw dropped open. "You said nothing?" She almost screamed.

"It was at the sunset too," I said. "It was all I ever wanted something like that to be and I said nothing. He probably thinks I hate him." I walked over planting myself on the bean bag chair. I covered my face curling up. I said nothing to Paul Spinella when he said he was falling in love with me. We just sat there silently until Caroline came home and went in through the basement screaming at someone on the phone crying. Paul had said he better go see what was wrong.

And we said goodbye. We kissed but something was off. It was me. He kissed me- a perfect kiss but it felt awful. It made me feel sick inside. I just wanted to die right now. No wonder he said relationships were confusing. He said he practically loved me and I said nothing. Fuck my life.

"How could you say nothing?" She asked.

I paused. "That's it," I said. "I have no idea. I couldn't say it back."

"Why not?" She said. "Poor Paul."

All I could think about was why didn't I just force out an easy 'I love you.' I've lied to boys before. I said 'I love you' to Kenny for God's sake. I said I loved every boy who said it to me. Why not Paul? I liked him more than all of them and those words seemed like the biggest lie I could have ever said.

"This sucks," I said.

She came over and sat down patting my head calming me down like I was drunk. She does this after I puke and sober up and have a headache. To make it seem more comfortable. My mother used to do this to me when I was little. All I could hear was Paul's voice in my head.

'I'm falling in love with you.'

I just wanted to die. My eyes widened. "What if we break up?" I gasped.

"You won't Rain," She said. "If he loves you he won't break up with you because of this. You're not ready, he'll understand."

I moaned. "I can't even sleep with him Jess." I said. "What am I? Christian Feeling-less girl? I'm such an awful girlfriend."

"Shut up," She said softly. "Calm down, you're freaking out. Do you want me to text him and ask him if he's okay?"

"No," I said. "Because that will make it seem like I told you I don't even like him. Don't, he'll break up with me then for sure." I rolled onto my back and she looked at me.

She was quiet. "Can I ask you something?" It sounded like Paul's question. I nodded looking at her. "Was it really romantic and sweet?"

"Yeah," I said. "It was perfect."

* * *

**A/N: Give me all of you're reactions. Every last one of them. I'm starting a collection of reactions to these things. Are you prepared for what's coming up? Review please.**


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

It was raining outside so naturally the mall was packed. People were swarming the elevators and escalators- I had to use the stairs. They always freaked me out, I mean you can see the cracks in between them and the ground and everything. I'm waiting for the day my shoes fly down into them and everything. Or the day they decide to give out and I slip right through the cracks. Unfortunately for me, that day wasn't today.

Paul had insisted we hang out. When I said I might have to watch the kids he offered to go to IHOP. He never offered to go to IHOP. He hated IHOP. Today was it- I was getting dumped today, I was losing Paul Spinella. I hung my head and looked around blandly at all the people walking around filling their arms with bags of stuff they probably didn't need. Their lives were all whizzing right around me, it felt like mine was over.

Jess-ee-cah was supposed to be working but on my ride over I got a tezt asking me if I wanted ice cream- she needed girl time. This was a tell-tale sign she had chickened out. Thomas wasn't dumped and Jacob was manning the Pretzel Shack with gross Tom. So as I avoided the demise of my relationship with Paul Spinella, I decided to visit Jacob. The poor guy deserved that at least.

He stood behind the counter folding pretzels like he always did when Jess wasn't working. His mouth was a tight line, and he was clenching his teeth a lot. "Jacob," He looked up. "Hey," I smiled a little at him. He nodded and kept folding thinking I was just passing. I walked up to the glass display of sugar covered and plain and any other kind of pretzel.

He looked up at me. "Hi," He said.

I waited. "So," I said. "You finally told her?"

"What?" He said. He was surprised a little by this. He stopped folding- thank god, it was getting awkward just staring at him folding pretzels that would be dipped in frosting. Pretzels that could potentially cause the next heart attacks of obese America.

"Who?" I said as a joke. I lost him. He stared at me blankly. I forced a quick smile. "Jess-ee-cah, duh..." He shrugged and started folding again. I didn't know why I was bothering, but it was Jacob. After six months of being in love with my best friend, he deserved a bone to be thrown to him. I opened my mouth.

"What did she tell you?" He asked suddenly. "Did she tell you she would have gotten us fired if mall security saw us fighting?"

"Nope," I said. "She must have cut that out." My eyebrows went down.

"Well." He was pissed about this. "I said that Thomas was a dick- I mean," He stopped folding. "You have to agree with that. He treats her like crap. He just comes here for free pretzels, he doesn't even give a shit about any of the stuff she does for him." He planted his hands on the counter. "And she flips the shit on me, yelling and then when I start to justify what I said she thows a lemonade on me."

I raised my eyebrows. For some reason this all is a lot more Jess-ee-cah than I thought. "So I just give up," He says lifting a hand up flicking it away. He's on a role so I don't point out how dramatic he's being. "I just said it and she just stared at me. I look like I pissed my pants and she just stares at me so I leave. Then the bitch just doesn't show up to work ever again. Yeah, I finally told her, and all I got was a crouch-full of lemonade."

I bit my lip through that last line- it is kind of classicly Jess-ee-cah but I try not to laugh. "Look," I said. "If she didn't know that Thomas was an asshole she wouldn't have flipped out on you. But you weren't exactly dropping the most obvious hints either. She had no idea..."

He looked at me. "I was going to ask her to Prom before that dick-head asked her out." He said. "But no," He started folding pretzels messily and quickly. "She had to choose him."

I watched him sadly. "Jake," I said softly. "Hang in there." He slowed his folding and kept listening. "She told me she was going to break up with Thomas." He looked up at me and our eyes met. I smiled a little and I saw everything lift. He had hope again. "I'll get her into work again, just make sure you don't get her pissed again or else you're going to be asking her out with a crouch-full of pepsi or something."

He smiled a little blushing. He realized how crazy he must have sounded. "Thanks," He said softly.

I smiled. "Hang in there," I said starting to walk away.

He exhaled shaking his head and wiping his hands off with a rag. "I'm trying," He said. "I'll see you later, Rainie."

I smiled and waved. I walked through the flow of people. I try not to think about the inevitable. I'm getting dumped today. This is it. I walk slowly to the Gap. It was packed with mothers and carriages- Steve was manning the cash register with some of Paul's co-workers but I didn't see Paul. The shirts wers all folded perfectly- which meant he had to have been here. He even told me to meet him here when he got out of work, and knowing him he would have at least texted me saying he wasn't going to work or something.

In the end I came up Paul-less, I walked out into the mall. "Rain," I looked up and saw him. He was sitting by the escalators. He stood up and smiled at me. "Hey," He said. "Where have you been?" I looked at him smiling at me. I was more than officially confused.

"Oh," I said. I pointed behind me walking over to him. "I was just-" He met me halfway sliding his hands around my waist and he kissed me quickly.

"I quit today," He said smiling. "I got interview calls from three of the seven stores I applied to."

I stared at him. He was happy, in fact he was never normally this happy for no apparent reason. He was too happy to dump me I assumed, but then again a Paul Spinella has never dumped me before. Maybe this was reverse psychology. Or maybe he was just confusing. Or on drugs. I had no idea. I forced a quick smile. "Really?" I said. My voice lacked the enthusiasm to match his, but he didn't notice.

He kissed me. "Do you want to go?" He asked.

I must have seemed liek a space cadet because he quickly added, "To IHOP, I mean."

"Yeah, sure," I said. He kissed my forehead and moved his fingers into mine, weaving them together. I kept up with him in a state of disbelief. This was weird. Simply and remarkably weird.

* * *

He turned down my street and I turned up the volume. He groaned and gave me a look. He came to my house. "Get out," He said. He reached out for the radio but I slapped his hand away. "No," I said. "This is my favorite song."

"You have to be kidding me," He said. He hated hip-hop and for the first time I had turned on the actual radio fo his car. I smiled and leaned in kissing him. He kissed me back before pulling away and turning off the radio. "I'll call you tonight."

I shrugged, kidding around. "If you want to I guess," I couldn't keep a straight face. He smiled a little at this. He was so happy today, I grew used to it. "What are you doing tomorrow?" He asked.

"I have to watch the kids," I said. "You can come over and help."

"Sure," He said. "What time?"

"Whenever," I said reaching for my car-door. "We'll probably be slip and sliding all afternoon anyways."

"What?" He asked. I smiled and kissed him goodnight. I was late for dinner and had promised Queenie I'd be there.

"You'll see," I said. I opened the door. "Talk to you later if you decide to call."

He smiled. "Yeah," He said. "Bye." I was already out. I smiled at him and shut the door. I walked up the front steps and watched him drive away. That is, I watched my boyfriend drive away. I felt overwhelmingly calm with that fact. I still had a boyfriend.

* * *

**A/N: I missed you all. **_I wasn't sure where to start with my triumphant FanFiction comeback so I started the process of rereading. I reread all of my pieces except for this. But when I saw how all these people were adding it to their favorites all of a sudden, I decided to check it out. _**But here it is. A new post. My first in a goldfish's lifetime.**


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